Please note:
The following thread, "Auntie's Anti-Humor," contains several separate humor pieces. When commenting on an individual work, please indicate the title in your reply.
Take Me Out to the All-Star Game –(Not!)
[We first met the Snotenlocker family back in December
http://www.online-literature.com/for...721#post649721
but we haven't seen ‘em since, a fact for which we can thank our lucky stars. But here they are again, just back from a family outing to the Midsummer Classic. Disclaimer: the spelling and grammar in the following are the sole responsibility of the original poster, Debi Snotenlocker. Reader discretion advised.]
From the On-line Journal of Mrs. Debi Snotenlocker
“Well, we're just back from our trip to St. Louis. I asked Brad why did we have to travel half-way across the country just to see a baseball game, and he goes, it’s not just any game, it’s the All-Star Game!! And I go, why can't you just watch it on TV, and he goes yeah, but it’s on Fox. So if we see it at the ballpark, we won't miss the first out of every inning.
“Brad was hopped up about the All-Star Game. He goes it’s real important because it decides who gets home field advantage for the World Series. But I thought the World Series is between just two teams and the All Star Game has a bunch of different players from all the teams. What do I know– I'm not a sports fan. BTW, Brad even voted for one of his favorite players, but no, the guy didn't make the team. I asked him if they had a Mr. Congeniality, and he said they tried it one year, but the competing finalists started fighting amongst themselves in a bench-clearing brawl and they all ended up on the DL for the rest of the season.
“I was ok with the trip until I found out how expensive it was gonna be. You would not believe how much those tickets were gonna cost. I'm too embarrassed to tell you the amount, but if whatshis name, the guy who ripped off all his friends for billions of $ sold ‘em, the judge would've slapped another 150 yrs to his sentence. And that’s not counting the airplane tickets! When I found out how much it would cost for all SIX of us to fly, I told Brad why don't you just rent the Space Shuttle- it’s cheaper!
“So on Tues. morning we all get to the airport and right away there’s a problem. The security chick asked Milwaukee to put her iPhone in the little basket and she absolutely refused! Then when the triplets found out they weren't allowed to sit up front with the pilot, they threw a HUGE temper tantrum! So then all kinds of armed guards put us in a little room and questioned all of us for hours. They must've thought we were secret agents for whatshisname, the guy with the beard who hides out in those caves. Then finally it got all straightened out, thank God.
“Of course we missed our flight and had to hang around the airport for the next one going to Missouri. That went ok, except for the part where I got the daylights scared out of me when I thought I saw a great big HOLE in the plane!!! But it turned out just to be a hole in the plot of the in-flight movie. (I don't know what the title was, but it was the one that had Matthew McConaughey without his shirt on.) Just before our plane landed in St. Louis, the triplets saw the Gateway Arch from the windows and started screaming about wanting to go to McDonalds. Brad told them to wait til they got to the ballpark and they could get really big hot dogs. You can order the Mark McGwire special, hold the steroids.
“We arrived in St. L in one piece, not counting the couple o’ pieces of missing luggage. Of course we were late, but when we got to the stadium, it was only a couple of hours into the pre-game show. I TOLD Milwaukee she shoulda taken some books from her Summer Reading List! She woulda been half way thru “War and Peace” before the game even started. Our seats were way way up. Two rows up from us there was an Indian guy sitting on a mountain of snow and answering questions about the meaning of life. Trip–or maybe it was Trap-goes: Look how high up were are! All the people look like ants! Then Brad told him they are ants. Somebody spilled something sticky under your seat. We saw the President of the United States throw out the first pitch. Brad asked me if I thought the ball went left, right, or stayed in the middle of the plate and I said what do I know I'm not a politics fan.
“They were just into the third whatchamacallit of the game when Brad almost got thrown out of the ballpark. All he did was order a beer from the conquistador concierge concessionaire. He asked for a Miller, and the guy says whatsamatter, Buddy, can't you read? Then he pointed to a huge sign that said “Busch Stadium.” The fans weren't rude though. They were pretty friendly. The old guy sitting next to him was fashionated fasinated fascinated with my daughter and expectialy the triplets, Trick, Trap, and Trip. Gee lady he goes. All you have to do is get pregnant two more times –first with twins and then with quadruplets. Then you can hit for the cycle.
“My daughter was NOT a happy camper. I go whatsamatter, we spent all this $$ and you're not having a good time. And she goes none of the dudes here are hitting on me. All they do is diss me. They say I'm a lousy Brewers fan and they all love the Cardinals. WHY did you make me wear this thing? I go why don't you like that shirt? Grandma put a lot of time and effort into it. She even sent away for the EZ Sequin Studder so she could whatyacallit emboss your name on the back! You should be proud and grateful! Milwaukee just rolled her eyes and started using up expensive minutes to text all her friends with words she shouldn't use to describe the woman who gave her birth.
“Finally, finally the game ended but I didn't see no fat lady singing, unless you count the chubby woman who was trying to rustle up some last-minute customers for her souvenir stand. Like I say I'm no sports fan but Brad told me that the American League won the game 4 to 3. He also said that the National League hasn't won the All-Star Game in thirteen years. Big deal. That’s about as long as it’s been since that cheapskate Brad took me out to dinner.”