Results 1 to 6 of 6

Thread: Javelin Maddox: An Epic in the Making (Critique, sil-te plait)

  1. #1
    War. War never changes.
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Location
    Dallas, TX
    Posts
    8

    Thumbs up The Tale of Javelin Maddox

    Please comment and critique.

    Chapter 1
    Encounters on the Transport


    The transport was freezing. Wishing he had kept his coat with him, Jav pressed the call button for the flight attendant. Almost immediately, a silver dome-shaped robot zipped down the tracks in the aisle, with round florescent blue eyes “looking” at him. “How my I serve you...Javelin Maddox?” asked the robot in a crisp, soft female voice. The timing, appearance and speech of the little robot were all tightly controlled to the smallest specifications. The round blue eyes conveyed a sense of kindness, the phrase “how may I serve you” was now used rather than “may I help you” because that might imply that the customer could not handle themselves. Even the soft features and no sharp details or designs were placed specifically to ensure that the passenger didn't feel the least bit afraid or threatened by the helper. It was all part of emotion control, a secret governmental program, designed to prevent outbursts of unwanted behavior. Ever since its creation in 2068, the program was just as successful in lowering crime, as it was lowering creativity.

    “Uh, yes, I would like you fetch me a blanket.”

    “Oh, most certainly Mr. Maddox, are you going to sleep? I could provide a sedative, free of charge as your first sleep aid from IPE Incorporated, low-dose, of course,” replied the friendly robot suddenly with deep hazy-purple squinted eyes to induce a sleepy mood.

    “Sure, that'd be great. How much time would you say this flight takes?”

    Whirring and clicking could be heard as the robot checked the database. Its eyes were curved upward to show that it was “thinking”.

    “This flight from Dallas to Tranquil City is estimated to end 21 hours, 44 minutes, and 28.03 seconds after take-off. Any other questions Mr. Maddox?”

    “No, that will be all.”

    “We know your nap will be exceptional Mr. Maddox,” the dome said as a tiny matching silver can was raised from a now open compartment at the side of the robot. Javelin took the 4 oz. can and emptied it in a single gulp. The drink tasted like standard carbonated sugar water.

    “You will begin to sleep anytime in the next 30 seconds to 2 minutes. Please place the can back on my arm, Mr. Maddox.”

    He placed the little can back on its arm, which was quickly concealed while the robot zipped off down the tracks. The visual player on the seat in front of him turned from a rotating Inter Planetary Express logo to a series of dark purple waves seemingly made of nothing, which indeed allowed Jav to feel relaxed. The robot zipped back to Javelin's seat.

    “I believe you requested a blanket...Javelin Maddox.” the robot said, purple squinted eyes already set. Javelin took the blanket without a word, then the robot zipped in the opposite direction. Javelin spread the blanket over himself, peering at the visual player in front of him, and began to fall asleep.

    * * * * *

    A hooded man in hand binds was escorted through the station entrance. Javelin sat next to his father behind his desk, his father had just grabbed some ice cream from down the street for him. They sat unaware of the tragedy soon to take place. The hooded man removed his coat by purposely snagging it on a desk, he was strapped with explosives. An officer reacted quickly by killing the man, shootting him through the heart, he died instantly. But the bomb was timed, 3, 2, 1... a flash of light, everything was silent... “JAVELIN!” An immense headache, and Javelin was awake, back in the transport. He opened his eyes, steam was jetting from a pipe about twenty feet in front of him.

    “I'm sorry.” Javelin glanced quickly at a woman in ship uniform that could have been a wee bit too large for her, slightly stunned by her appearance. “Unfortunately, the maintenance crew was sent to investigate minor decompression in the overhead cargo compartment. They accidentally damaged a water waste pipe, nothing to worry about however, they will have it fixed soon. Were you awakened from a pleasant dream?”
    “Ahh, not really,” he responded, looking around. To his suspicious suprise, everyone else was asleep. “What happened to the little robot, it was here earlier.”

    “There is only one hour left before we arrive at Tranquil Spaceport, the automated attendant was sent back to its storage space for mandatory inspection.” the flight attendant wobbled slightly from side to side as she spoke.

    “Oh, well I'm fine, I'll watch a cinematic for the rest of the trip.” he then turned his attention to the visual player. Touching his thumb to the center of the screen to activate the menu, Javelin noticed that the attendant was still there. “I'm...done, now thank you.” he said in cold tone that almost surprised himself.

    “Hi, I'm Nexus!” she had a wild smile on her face.

    “Oh that's nice, what are you doing Nexus?”, he asked, bewildered by her unorthodox behavior.

    “Trusting you,” she said as she held out her hand. “Nice to meet you. Who is Javelin by the way?” her smile kept still. It was kinda creepy.

    “Slow down, I'm Javelin, what do you mean you're trusting me?” he asked as he shook her hand, it was freezing. “Why are you so cold?”

    “I'm a stowaway, I took a pill that lowered my body temperature so as not to be detected by the ship's sensors. I knocked out a real attendant, took her clothes and avoided contact since, but I think they discovered the attendant, they were searching the ship for me when they busted that pipe,” She pointed to the jetting steam.

    “Okay, stop,” Javelin interrupted. “Why are you telling me this and how did you know my name?” He had a half concerned half annoyed scowl on his face.

    “You muttered 'Javelin' in your sleep, and, like I said, I'm trusting you.” She replied in a quick and hurrying tone. “I disabled the little robot so I could roam the halls freely, but it's only a matter of time before it's back online. Now I have my other change of clothes in the latrine and I noticed that no one is seated next to you, please, help me.”

    “What if I just turned you in?” Javelin said in a cleverly forced sinister tone. He was good at deception since he was a child.

    “There's something about you that makes me feel that you wouldn't do that. Just pretend I'm your girlfriend or something, they haven't seen my face.” Javelin knew he wouldn't turn her in, he wasn't traveling to the moon legally either.

    “Alright, quickly! Go on, but don't say anything about this, even on Luna, okay?” he whispered fiercely as she calmly yet quickly walked toward the restroom. It was then that he noticed that the jetting steam had ceased. He looked towards the visual player, selected comedies from the Cinematic Genre Selection screen. Sighing, he scrolled through the options, not really paying attention to them, but thinking in his head if this was the right call, helping Nexus, of course. He had time to think now, it was much quieter without Nexus and her continuous blabbering. The Martian Clan, Freddy McIntyre In Da Hood, Venus Head Trap, Dinotron IV: Quest of the Severed Weiner, he changed his mind, and went back out to selecting the genre. Just as he was selecting action/adventure, he heard a rustle of some kind, perhaps plastic toys hitting the ground. Looking up in the aisle, he spotted a small girl, playing with barbies on the floor in front of a seat. She had some sort of intoxicating aura about her, almost as if she were not real. Her eyes were sparkling, but with no definite color, perhaps a rainbow, glittering in an unchanging yet constantly different eye. He stared at the strange sight, she must belong to a rich family. Most families had their money taken away from them because of the ridiculously high education tax, so their kids were always studying or at school, no time to play. Just as the girl shifted her eyes to Javelin, a figure blocked his view. He looked up to see Nexus and her crazy smile with long, flowing blue hair dressed in peasant clothes.

    “I'm here, move over, let me through!” she whispered. She pushed past Javelin's knees, and plopped into the seat, she was obviously exhausted from avoiding capture for 21 hours or so. It was only a few minutes since Nexus left, but the little girl made it seem like hours. He looked past Nexus to see that the girl had vanished. Disappointed at her disappearance, he turned his attention to Nexus.

    “What are those rags you're wearing?” he said in disgust, looking at Nexus from her worn and torn leather shoes, her scraggly ripped jeans, and a stained cotton shirt with a small hole in the shoulder.

    “Hey, we can't all be sons of famous people,” she muttered, she was almost asleep already.

    “What's that supposed to mean?” asked Javelin, puzzled at the statement. She must know of my father, Desmond Maddox, the famous detective, he thought almost aloud. He had apparently made the mistake of thinking that there was merely no place on Earth he could hide from his name. He leaned to his left to look over his seat, and saw that his last name was on the small screen at the base of his chair. Sitting up, he thought he heard footsteps coming his way. They wouldn't believe that the poorly dressed woman next to him was his girlfriend. He removed his blanket, and completely covered Nexus with it, tucking as much of her blue hair under it as he could, she was considerably smaller than him. She was also asleep. He looked out in the aisle again, the little girl was still not to be found, but, a flight attendant was roughly thirty feet away. He quickly adjusted himself to make it seem as if he was quite content. He was looking through the cinematics when she arrived.

    “Hello, sir, is there something I could do to help with your trip, make you more comfortable?” the woman was overweight, her face jiggled as she talked with a forced smile.

    “No, I'm fine, thank you, I will just view a cinematic,” he replied with a perfect attitude for the situation, not suspicious at all.

    The woman must have eyed Nexus' unique blue hair, a look of contemplation spread across her face like wildfire, Javelin could tell that the thing that happens next would not be good down the road.

    “I'm going to need your name, sir, hers too.”

    “Well I'm Javelin Maddox, but I've no idea who she is, sorry, but we don't know each other.” Playing it cool, he began to look back at the visual player. He noticed that the attendant was typing on her PHC, Personal Handheld Computer, probably his name and seat number.

    “Well, enjoy your cinematic, I believe Dinotron IV is out, I heard it is quiet the riot.” she giggled with an enthusiastic smile, then walked away briskly. Javelin nearly panicked when he realized that they were most likely going to run the database to see if someone was registered to sit next to him. He then remembered one key detail, the robot attendant, it checked the database to find the trip time. Shaking Nexus softly at first, he realized that time may be running thin, so he became more rigorous.

    “Nexus, wake up, how did you disable the robot? Wake up, tell me!” he was whispering harshly, hoping not to wake anyone else. She began to mumble and stutter, then her eyes opened, it was the first time he noticed that her irises were gold.

    “You're a mutant, aren't you?” his eyes were fixated on hers, marveling at how such a beautiful thing could come from a genetic mistake.

    “I was born and raised on Oscar II, the poorer part where the dome filters were not updated to meet our aging sun's new UV rays. I was the first mutant in our family. My mother was the only one who cared for me, my father left us and my grandparents disowned us. When my father died in a hostage incident, I was glad at first. Then my mother told me of how he kept us financially afloat all these years behind the scenes. I didn't hate him anymore, but I wasn't ready to love him either. Why didn't he just live with me?” She began to tear up a little bit, but she wasn't one to get too emotional. Javelin's eyes twinkled with a new understanding of what she had been going through.

    “Hey, it's alright, that's all behind you now, you're starting a new life, you can leave that behind. There's one thing that needs to be guaranteed before we start that new life, our safety to get there, now how did you disable the little robot?” She sniffled a little bit, quickly recovered, then looked at Javelin.

    “I cut several wires, disabling motion control, communications, and access to the database, why?” She suddenly looked more worried than sad.

    “An attendant checked us for identification, but I didn't give them your name. They are going to run the database to see if someone is registered to sit next to me. But since you disabled the robot's database, they would then send the information to the bridge to be checked there, but once again, you disabled the communications on the robot...” Nexus interrupted his quick speech to complete it.

    “They can't even do that, so they'd have to go directly to the bridge, but since the trip is soon to be over, they won't bother, giving us time to quickly escape when we land!” she sighed with relief and fell back against the very comfortable plush seat. She was ready to slumber once again.

    “Whoo!” Javelin sighed too, then slumped genuinely content with the situation. “I'm sorry to have had to wake you, Nexus, you should rest now, I'll be fine alone.” Nexus began to laugh quietly to herself with her eyes closed.

    “What's so funny?” Javelin asked with a smile himself. Nexus opened her eyes and looked into his.

    “Earlier, you said start our new life.” She laughed some more as her eyes softly closed.

    “Ahh, shut up, hehe.” he turned away from her but thought of the idea. He then shook his head and looked back to the visual player.
    Nexus said nothing as she slipped into another very strange dream of meaningless things with little to no sense involved, such as the glamoring princess riding a unicorn through the vast unknown of the universe only to pierce a nexus that appeared from nowhere. This ended up being Nexus' own mind, with remnants of past events, such as hitting a crew member, meeting a handsome sleeping man, gently shaking him awake, suddenly feeling like she knew him but not of him, everything about him but not anything around him, a very strange feeling of knowing but not. The princess made it through the Nexus, and appearing on the other side was a ship whose owners were unknown to her, although the few who did called them the Overwatch. The princess was nearly aboard the ship when a electronic scream blared through Nexus' mind, and her dream was empty black, yet still she slept. I told you, very strange indeed.

    * * * * *

    Javelin sat quietly while Dinotron IV: Quest of the Severed Weiner began, so as not to awake Nexus. The film was quite a ridiculous one, its insane and ludicrous punchlines were complimented by the comical genius of Lucas Redding and Kyle Frasier. This created a potent mix of adult humor and slapstick comedy, which some of the more pristine would call poppycock. However, none of this was a bother to Javelin Maddox, who had much more important things to contemplate. He simply stared the visual player down, not really seeing anything, but giggling here and there, not a preferred method to view cinematic of this caliber one could suppose. Suddenly, a scuffle, a thud, and a soft smack as plastic met carpet. One could infer that this did not coincide with the happenings of the cinematic. Javelin raised him self in the seat to spot the little girl just as she ran through the door to another seating section in the ship. He instinctively got up and followed. As he turned through the doors to the next section, giggling could be heard from down the aisle. He walked past roughly thirty or so snoring passengers, until the little girl was in front of him. She was once again playing with barbies on the floor of an empty seat, Javelin could still not distinguish the color of her eyes, she would not look at him directly. He sat on the seat across the aisle from her, it too was empty. He thought of what to say, but the fact that the girl seemed to ignore her made this encounter very awkward.

    “Where are your parents, little girl?” Javelin focused on the unchanging eyes of no color. The little girl stopped playing with her dolls, not moving a single muscle. Without making the slightest acknowledgement of his existence, she began to speak.

    “You know, I have no idea,” she resumed playing with her dolls. Her voice had relieving quality, Javelin felt as if an enormous weight was lifted. She seemed ages older when she spoke, she looked no more than 8 years of age.

    “Well maybe I should help you find them, you shouldn't be all alone, you know. What is your name? That could be useful in locating them.” Javelin scratched his head, this was no normal little girl.

    “Some people call me Luck, others Hope. Those who know me best call me Fate.” Jav was puzzled, was this some sort of riddle, maybe the girl is insane. One way or the other, this couldn't be the truth, could it? This was no normal little girl.

    “Come on, let's go find your parents, little one,” he held out his hand while he stood up. The little girl stopped moving again. Rotated her head and stared directly at his hand, then at his eyes. Hers were all black, with what seemed like thousands of tiny sparkles of all color, circling the center of her eyes, rotating quickly and constantly, Javelin was shocked.

    “You don't understand, I have none,
    I have always been, the only one.
    I always have been, and forever will be,
    Only those who deserve, shall be able to see.”

    She resumed playing with her dolls. Javelin was frozen, this girl was incredibly remarkable, he had nothing to say. Just then, a flight attendant was quickly heading towards him, but he had no idea. His vision could not be ripped away from the little girl.

    “Excuse me sir, you are needed to sit in your seat, thirty minutes until the transport lands. I'm sure you understand.” Javelin nodded, without thinking about anything, attempting to grasp the words of the little girl. The attendant started to gently push him in the right direction.

    “Sir, it's imperative that I see to it that the rest of this sector is seated, please, step side and sit in your seat.” The attendant's friendly smile was nonexistent. Javelin snapped out of his hypnotism.

    “I'm terribly sorry,” he began walking backward, trying to peer over the attendant to see the girl. He spotted the girl's dolls, and for the first time, realized what they were. One had blue hair and golden eyes, the other was a male doll with curly brown hair, dressed in a rubber civilian suit, the dolls were him and Nexus.

    “Who are you?” he asked past the attendant. The little girl stood on the seat to be seen by Javelin. She had a very wide smile.

    “I already told you,” She giggled. “I will be there when you need me, goodbye Javelin.” She then disappeared behind the seat, Javelin was stunned again with another curve ball from the little girl.

    “I never told you my na...” The attendant interrupted him.

    “Sir, can you please continue down the aisle!” the attendant was quite angry now.

    “Sure, no problem.” He plopped down in his set next to Nexus. The intercom crackled through the speakers.

    “The U.C.T. Baltimore is going to land in Tranquil Space Station in about twenty minutes. Please fasten all seat belts and restraints now. Happy new year, everyone! We are glad to have you celebrate 2100 on Luna!” Javelin sighed, staring at Nexus. It was time to get ready for their escape. It wasn't freezing anymore.
    Last edited by SolidSnakeEyes; 06-20-2009 at 07:31 PM.
    Peace means having a bigger stick than the other guy.
    -Robert Downey Jr. Iron Man Copywright 2008

  2. #2
    War. War never changes.
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Location
    Dallas, TX
    Posts
    8
    thanx for all the helpful criticism, everybody.

    I really appreciate it.
    Peace means having a bigger stick than the other guy.
    -Robert Downey Jr. Iron Man Copywright 2008

  3. #3
    Registered User JacobF's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Posts
    280
    Quote Originally Posted by SolidSnakeEyes View Post
    thanx for all the helpful criticism, everybody.

    I really appreciate it.
    As you probably noticed there are many stories awaiting criticism on the front page, some even on the second page, and you have to be patient. And considering you just posted this within the past 24 hours, there's no reason to be snarly about it.

    However, I did read your piece, and I do have some criticisms. To start, you do a lot of telling and not a lot of showing. "Ever since its creation in 2068, the project was successful in lowering crime, and lowering creativity." How, exactly, did it lower creativity? In SF, showing the effects of a speculative situation -- such as the emotion control program in your story -- is imperative.

    Change your passive sentences into active ones. "Whirring and clicking could be heard as the robot checked the database." That's a passive sentence, which is static to the reader and instantly makes the story less engaging. To make it active, make the noun interact with the verb, for instance: "The robot made whirring and clicking noises as it checked the database."

    Also, there was no need to call the movie a "cinematic." Unless it takes an obviously different form than the movies we watch today, just calling it a 'movie' or 'film' is fine. Addressing an everyday object as a wordier, more technical term just for the sake of doing so comes off as pretentious and simply insults the reader's intelligence, even in a SF piece.

    And as a general comment, there are inklings of a good story here but you didn't make the crucial leap from an average SF tale to a living, breathing story. The writing style and subjects you have adopted are, to be blunt, not very engaging.

    Read "Autofac" by Philip K. Dick if you want to see how to successfully portray robots in a story.
    Last edited by JacobF; 06-20-2009 at 10:24 PM.

  4. #4
    War. War never changes.
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Location
    Dallas, TX
    Posts
    8
    my bad bro, it was more of a joke. now that i look back at it, i can see it was a comment that could be easily misinterpreted from a different perspective. i would prefer to not start my introduction to this site in a bad way.

    now for the criticisms, i agree with everything now that i have reviewed my story, except that bit on "cinematics". i used that because it was just one example of how speech changes over time. that is just how people talk in my future.
    Peace means having a bigger stick than the other guy.
    -Robert Downey Jr. Iron Man Copywright 2008

  5. #5
    Registered User JacobF's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Posts
    280
    Quote Originally Posted by SolidSnakeEyes View Post
    my bad bro, it was more of a joke. now that i look back at it, i can see it was a comment that could be easily misinterpreted from a different perspective. i would prefer to not start my introduction to this site in a bad way.

    now for the criticisms, i agree with everything now that i have reviewed my story, except that bit on "cinematics". i used that because it was just one example of how speech changes over time. that is just how people talk in my future.
    No worries, consider it forgotten. But may I suggest that, if you want people to critique your work, do the same by critiquing theirs, considering this is the short story sharing forum and not a free editing service.

    As for the whole cinematics deal, it still seems like a cop-out to me. I've read plenty of SF where the authors don't use obscure synonyms for everyday words yet they still draw the reader into a futuristic world. And at any rate, the people in your future seem to talk identically to how we would talk, except for the robot.
    Last edited by JacobF; 06-21-2009 at 12:49 AM.

  6. #6
    Overlord of Cupcak3s 1n50mn14's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Strawberry fields
    Posts
    928
    Blog Entries
    11
    Gotta agree with most everything JacobF has said. Please show, don't tell... I'm not engaged in your story, though you probably have a good premise in there.
    Naked except for a cigarette, you let your mind drift and forget your disbelief. Feel the chill down your back and the flutter of wings through dandelion fields, and forget the pull of gravity in a night without stars.

    I lack eloquence and commitment to my arguments. They are half baked, and I will begin passionately, and then abandon them.

Similar Threads

  1. Epic Poetry
    By Proust71 in forum Poems, Poets, and Poetry
    Replies: 63
    Last Post: 05-02-2008, 01:00 PM

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •