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Thread: Cold Ale - The Blokes' Thread!

  1. #6391
    sound of music soundofmusic's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilentMute View Post
    @mom--I think you drank some of that Sunny D, mum. I do not recall rowing by, playing a violin, with a grinning alligator, and singing...unless I drank it and don't remember.

    As for a live band, I recommend this guy:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iYj42...E0AFC8&index=1

    And his pal comes with a keyboard, drums, and tambourine! Of course, the red furry one may have some difficulty in attending. He is embroiled in some legal trouble at the moment. :/
    Didn't I tell you, dementia is hereditary...

    Have you noticed all the best American singers wind up in sex scandals....now it's Elmo.

    Quote Originally Posted by The Atheist View Post
    Sounds good to me, let's start now then!
    Well, I'm about to run to work; but I will definitely be needing a week long party afterwards.

    Quote Originally Posted by prendrelemick View Post
    I'll run the weeing contest out the back - points for distance, accuracy AND duration.
    I don't quite have the equipment, so can I be one of the judges. Can I take off points for how long it takes to get started.

    Quote Originally Posted by islandclimber View Post
    How about points for colour? Yellows, greens, reds, browns?
    Ha ha, In my vast experience, I've seen yellow, orange and red...I don't think I even want to widen my horizens.


    Quote Originally Posted by prendrelemick View Post
    In my Ex-spurt opinion, good Idea

    Haha.
    Quote Originally Posted by SilentMute View Post
    Not to change the topic, but one of my mom's friends sent this to her--and I thought it was too funny not to share.

    RETIRED HUSBAND
    After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to TESCO.

    Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

    Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

    Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

    Dear Mrs. Harris,
    Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.
    We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

    1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

    2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

    3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

    4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'..
    This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

    5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layby

    6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

    7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

    8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

    9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

    10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

    11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

    12. October 6 In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' using different sizes of funnels.

    13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

    14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

    15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

    And last, but not least:

    16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
    Loved it....I am thinking that fellow would be a blast at home, never boring.

    Five characters (I got a message this was too short)

  2. #6392
    Orwellian The Atheist's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilentMute View Post
    Not to change the topic, but one of my mom's friends sent this to her--and I thought it was too funny not to share.
    Brilliant! Stolen.

    Quote Originally Posted by soundofmusic View Post
    Well, I'm about to run to work; but I will definitely be needing a week long party afterwards.
    I'll keep the men warm and the wine cold for ya!

    Quote Originally Posted by soundofmusic View Post
    I don't quite have the equipment, so can I be one of the judges. Can I take off points for how long it takes to get started.
    Ouch.

    Having a lovely case of hyperprostatism, I will be failing on all counts.

    I think we'd better try watermelon seed-spitting.
    Go to work, get married, have some kids, pay your taxes, pay your bills, watch your tv, follow fashion, act normal, obey the law and repeat after me: "I am free."

    Anon

  3. #6393
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    Can I crash your party? I can bring a friend!



    and I can supply a novelty act. If you don't like it we can put in the burgers.

    Attached Images Attached Images

  4. #6394
    Clinging to Douvres rocks Gilliatt Gurgle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hawkman View Post
    Can I crash your party? I can bring a friend!

    ...and I can supply a novelty act. If you don't like it we can put in the burgers.

    ...
    Haha!
    I wonder which head calls the shots when a hungry lion is hot on your hoofs?

    .....

    Now this next item is truly worthy of its own thread, but I figured it would fit in fine here and besides, it gives us even more reason to celebrate...

    According to Wikipedia under "On This Day" in history category we have three events we must bring attention to:

    753 BC – Romulus and Remus founded Rome, according to the calculations by Roman scholar Varro Reatinus.


    1509 – Henry VIII (pictured) became King of England, following the death of his father Henry VII, eventually becoming a significant figure in the history of the English monarchy.

    The 3rd and most important event in history:

    1836 – Texan forces led by Sam Houston defeated General Antonio López de Santa Anna and his Mexican troops in the Battle of San Jacinto near La Porte, the decisive battle in the Texas Revolution.



    ^Santa Anna is standing in the white breeches, Sam Houston is on blanket due to injury and Deaf Smith is on one knee straining to hear with hand cupped at ear.
    "Mongo only pawn in game of life" - Mongo

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SKRma7PDW10

  5. #6395
    running amok Sancho's Avatar
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    Hawkman's in! (with friends) Bienvendidos amigo.

    Silent, we've gotta get Harris on board for the hoedown. It just won't be the same without him.

    Update: We've had a minor setback in the preparations. Lefty was on his way from Alabama in his truck when:



    First let me say that Lefty's okay. He's complaining about a ringing in his ears, but otherwise he didn't get a scratch. He says it'll be a while before he gets his truck running again, and it looks like we'll to have to find our fireworks for the shindig elsewhere.

    ^maybe in the Republic of Texas
    Some people call me Maurice
    'Cos I speak of the pompatus of love

  6. #6396
    Clinging to Douvres rocks Gilliatt Gurgle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sancho View Post
    ...it looks like we'll to have to find our fireworks for the shindig elsewhere.

    ^maybe in the Republic of Texas
    As a matter of fact your pic may be from Texas. The Czech settlement town of "West" recently experienced a massive ammonium nitrate (fertilizer) factory explosion. Tragically, several people died with much destrcution of property. I just read that some residents are only now being allowed to return to their homes (or what's left of them).

    http://www.latimes.com/news/nation/n...,3395326.story

    West, by the way, is the home of the great Czech Stop adjacent to Hwy 35. Nearly every time I pass that way, I must stop to get a dozen Kolaches.
    I hope West is still able to hold the annual "West Fest" Czech festival this year (Labor Day weekend). It would be a great opportunity for the community to bond, have fun -respite from the tragedy and great fund raising opportunity through donations from the thousands who typically join in the celebration.

    Anyway, we're here to party.
    Lefty...better let me handle the fireworks...



    "Mongo only pawn in game of life" - Mongo

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SKRma7PDW10

  7. #6397
    Registered User SilentMute's Avatar
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    Alas, I too lack the equipment for the peeing contest...which is a pity, for my large bladder does have a long duration. Now, if there is an event of how often you have to go, my mom and I--I am certain--will leave you fellows in the dust. I think we have an advantage there being girls, who for some reason, were designed to constantly have to run to the bathroom. Maybe the powers that be believed we needed an excuse to powder our noses.

    I used to be quite good at drinking liquids and blowing them out my nose, which earned me some fame in my grade school days. However, I once tried to do it with a Coca-cola, and that was painful.

    I should mention that my invisible friend has decided to crash the party. If you guys see me talking to myself, I assure you I am not having a psychotic break...I'm just talking to my invisible friend. However, for the other guests who don't quite know me, can you just tell them I have Bluetooth so I don't get a reputation.
    I don't care if the glass is half full or half empty, I'm just glad to have a glass.

  8. #6398
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    Seeing as some people seem to be careless with matches, Silent Mute's bladder might come in handy if the local fire department aren't on hand!

  9. #6399
    running amok Sancho's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hawkman View Post
    Seeing as some people seem to be careless with matches...
    Indeed, Gill has always had a dubious relationship with fire.

    Quote Originally Posted by Gilliatt Gurgle View Post
    ...Anyway, we're here to party.
    Lefty...better let me handle the fireworks...
    That'd be like putting a junkie in charge of the stash...Perfect! It's all yours, amigo. Easy on the ammonium nitrate and diesel mix - that crazy concoction has an unholy history in your region.

    Quote Originally Posted by SilentMute View Post
    ...I should mention that my invisible friend has decided to crash the party. If you guys see me talking to myself, I assure you I am not having a psychotic break...I'm just talking to my invisible friend. However, for the other guests who don't quite know me, can you just tell them I have Bluetooth so I don't get a reputation.
    No worries, Silent, we'll just tell everybody you're speaking in tongues. That way you'll fit right it around here. I'll tell Weird Ole Uncle Ned to bring his serpents.

    Quote Originally Posted by SilentMute View Post
    ...Maybe the powers that be believed we needed an excuse to powder our noses...

    'Fraid the only power that be around here is serendipity. We's a total democracy.

    So, when shall we throw this shebang-a-bang? I was thinking Independence Day Weekend would work well with the fireworks and all, but then it occurred to me that the Brits don't celebrate the 4th of July. I'm not sure why.

    So how about the first weekend in May? We all shared a common struggle commemorated by VE Day.
    Some people call me Maurice
    'Cos I speak of the pompatus of love

  10. #6400
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    SilentMute. Do you realize that you could teach classes on how to pour Marrocan tea from a height of two yards?

  11. #6401
    Clinging to Douvres rocks Gilliatt Gurgle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sancho View Post
    Indeed, Gill has always had a dubious relationship with fire.

    That'd be like putting a junkie in charge of the stash...Perfect! It's all yours, amigo. Easy on the ammonium nitrate and diesel mix - that crazy concoction has an unholy history in your region.

    ...
    A sampling of my credentials...

    Step 1



    Step 2 (Mozartgeist was pre soaked with diesel)



    Step 3



    Speaking of Westfest and music for the gathering, how about something to remember our suffering neighbors just to the south of DFW:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=520DMStnK4I


    .
    "Mongo only pawn in game of life" - Mongo

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SKRma7PDW10

  12. #6402
    Registered User SilentMute's Avatar
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    I never thought that my bladder could come in handy. Well, it is totally at the service of the fire department, anyone wanting Moraccan tea, or lemon slushies.

    I'm a bit ticked! We got a new computer, and our scanner has never worked properly since. It turns out it isn't compatible with Windows 8, and it doesn't work on the old computer ( which is now in my room)...I guess maybe there is an electricity problem there. God, sometimes I really wonder if technology really improves our lives. How much time every year am I spending over technical issues, I ask you?
    I don't care if the glass is half full or half empty, I'm just glad to have a glass.

  13. #6403
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    Your bladder has all kinds of uses. You can lend to a fascist Spaniard (not difficult to find). He takes a bath in the desert by standing on his two arms and peeing toward the sky.

  14. #6404
    Orwellian The Atheist's Avatar
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    Crikey, if the preparations are anything to go by, this will be the biggest bang since the big one!

    Quote Originally Posted by Sancho View Post
    So, when shall we throw this shebang-a-bang? I was thinking Independence Day Weekend would work well with the fireworks and all, but then it occurred to me that the Brits don't celebrate the 4th of July. I'm not sure why.
    It is quite strange, especially given that the day Brits do do fireworks is the anniversary of the day Guy Fawkes failed to blow up Parliament.

    Imagine how big the celebrations would be if he'd succeeded.

    Silent - I'm glad you'll be there on hand with this load of firebugs on hand - if it was good enough for Gulliver to put out the palace fire, you can definitely handle a couple of fireworks.

    Timing?

    How about good old 1st of May - the start of summer for you northerners, and the start of winter for me and any other antipodeans. It's not as if winter's all that bad down here, so quite happy to celebrate the coming of summer!

    If we start 1 May, we can kick off by watching some real fireworks parade through the streets of Pyongyang and Moscow. Finish in time for mother's day.
    Go to work, get married, have some kids, pay your taxes, pay your bills, watch your tv, follow fashion, act normal, obey the law and repeat after me: "I am free."

    Anon

  15. #6405
    running amok Sancho's Avatar
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    Perfect! May Day it is. This thing could well run until the Summer Solstice, or in your case, A', the Winter Solstice. May Day may also come in handy as a general warning for when Gill torches off the fireworks - "MAYDAY MAYDAY MAYDAY, I appear to be on fire." Silent, we'd better keep you close to Gill at all times whenever he has a box of matches in his hands.

    Anyhow, for the whippersnappers, I've got volley-ball and soft-ball games set up followed by lunch, which runs concurrent with the watermelon-seed spitting contest. Directly after lunch, I figure we can let them go swimming down at the lake. There's a great game of my own devising we like to play down there. It's called Lake Idiot. Here's how it works: you get one kid (usually the dimmest one) to tread water in the lake while the other kids line up on the cliff and try to cannon-ball the kid in the water (the lake idiot). It's simple and yet fun to play. Only occasionally does one of 'em sink.

    When the youngsters go down to the lake, it'll leave the ball diamond free for the adults. This is a throw-down, a mash-up, a smack-down whatever you want to call it. Us Base-ballers (The Americas and Japan) challenge you Cricketeers (The Commonwealth) to a game of Bean Ball. Gird your loins. Helmets not required.

    BTW, this is Bean (that's really her name), and that is Bean's Ball:


    Live music update: The Rolling Stones cancelled on me (as did Odie and Odious Oompa band), so if you own a musical instrument - bring it. We'll make our own music. It's more fun like that anyway.

    Good Food, Good Music, Good Friends, and Great Fun.
    Some people call me Maurice
    'Cos I speak of the pompatus of love

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