rough copy - to be developed. All suggestions are welcome.
Who can remember the moment they lost their innocence?
Was that the time when you wanted to have more candies than your brother? Or when you realised that you could make other toddlers cry in the playground? Was it when you told your first ever lie and secretly smiled to yourself, realising that you could get away with it? That your mother did not know everything afterall? Or when it dawned upon you that your father was not the superhero you had come to believe firmly?
Or does it really matter? Now that you are certain it is gone?
Closing your eyes, you immerse yourself a little more into the warm water. Lovely sensation of apple scented whitebeard, which suddenly grows on your chin. You smile to yourself. Yes, this feels right.
Doesn't it?
Hardly stopped and mourned the loss of innocence. Celebrated becoming this wordly, savouring the excitement of new experiences. Your eyes opened. You became wise. The secret smiles appeared more often on your lips. If there was a twinge of of unease pinching your heart every now and then, you knew it would go away. It had to. It always has. And there has always been a reward anyway. Once you are on your way, isn't it easier to carry on than to go back? And going back where? It's lost;never coming back. You will never get it back.
You sneeze. The white blanket covering you disperses, only to come together again;the small groups and islands travel slowly, leisurely and join up again. A sudden chill shakes your body. You do feel cold even while hidden in warm water.
"Chronic remorse, as all the moralists are agreed, is a most undesirable sentiment. If you have behaved badly, repent, make what amends you can and address yourself to the task of behaving better next time. On no account brood over your wrongdoing. Rolling in the muck is not the best way of getting clean." A.Huxley
"...On no account brood over your wrongdoing..." What if there is no next time? What if you know that the hand pushed yours away determinedly will never caress your eager skin? What if those eyes avoiding you desperately will never meets yours again? What if the firmly sealed lips will never apart to say 'I love you.'
And what if there has been no wrongdoing?
A faint sensation grows in you. Your lips quiver. Cannot see but you know they are turning blue;your skin feels cold, pale. As if you are becoming one with the whiteness covering you.
Lives spent pondering, wondering, philosophizing: What is right? What is wrong? Everything instilled in you since childhood -so that you will know when you grow up- but you still don't have the answers. Each year has blessed you with more questions. Although the new questions answer the previous ones, their own answers are unknown to you. And don't they get harder and more merciless! It is hardly fair when you know that you will only be 'wise' enough to answer them only when you know the answers. Catch 22.
No matter.
You wish everything making you happy to be right. You feel everything making him unhappy is wrong. And if what makes you happy makes him unhappy... If right is wrong and wrong is right... You want him to be happy.
Did you just pass out? Did time elapse? Are you buried deeper under the white cloud?
You raise your arm. Bits of cloud fall from your finger tips. The water drops rushing down your arm are red as they drip from your elbow. Lying wasted you recite Wordsworth:
The world is too much with us; late and soon,
Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers;
Little we see in Nature that is ours;
We have given our hearts away, a sordid boon!
Never did you think those would be your last words.
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