The path has been misused
I'm too confused
To give up i refuse
My mistakes come near
They Began to bring fear
My eyes develop tears
To extinguish the fire
Is just my desire
My heart begins to tear
The pain is difficult to bear
To love again would just be a forceful dare
(im not done yet.. but how is it so far?)
Are you writing this as a song? If so I think it's okay, what I hear it played with is not my kind of music but it works.
If it's not meant to be a song, it doesn't flow enough for me. You may be trying free verse, and that's great. But for my own personal taste, if it's going to rhyme like that, it needs to be more structured and keep rhythm.
You are getting your message across though, so that's good.
don't be afraid to be without rhyme. check out some modern poetry, and see what they are doing. I recommend spoken words stuff, like http://www.indiefeedpp.libsyn.com/ or www.shopliftwindchimes.com
search indiefeed for derrick brown or aaron johnson.
If you aren't big into spoken word, check out cummings or bukowski.
read it out loud, and see what they are doing.
Told by a fool, signifying nothing.
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