short story on fate

[sillyman]

Fist off, I have never written any sort of fiction until now. I have always read a lot and done well in essays for school so I figure I'd give some fiction a try. I figured I'd open with a paragraph like this then go back a couple day to when his life started spiraling out of control. I know I have a lot to do.

The poignant sirens filled my head. “I have this under control; I know that everything will be fine” I told myself. For a second, I believed my usual reassurance but then laughed in defeat. It won’t work this time. None of that positive attitude bull**** will help me now. All those years of believing in myself, believing that I was in control of my life were coming to an end. I pictured God looking down at me, nudging his celestial companions, pointing at me and laughing at my futile attempt to make everything right. This depiction of God made me laugh. It wasn’t the laugh of defeat I had earlier, it was a genuine laugh and it felt good. “I might have lost my life but I still have my sense of humor” I said with a smile on my face. I finally came to a realization that it was coming to an end; the grand finale of Will Reed, the climax, the whole shebang, because when it comes to my fate, I now realize that I am not in control.

[JacobF]

Solid intro, looking forward to reading the rest. Just make sure not to skimp on the plot revelation as the story continues. The only actual plot you revealed was "the sirens filled my head," implying some sort of accident or his arrest... I don't know, and I'm curious. In a good way.

[beatnic]

This is extremely well written and very suspenseful. As the previous individual, I too look for to reading the rest.

[Silas Thorne]

I am wondering how to view a character that laughs in defeat and then laughs genuinely within the space of a few seconds though.

But then I am often critical, and sometimes for no good reason...

[aBIGsheep]

Fist off, I have never written any sort of fiction until now. I have always read a lot and done well in essays for school so I figure I'd give some fiction a try. I figured I'd open with a paragraph like this then go back a couple day to when his life started spiraling out of control. I know I have a lot to do.

The poignant sirens filled my head. This intro begs more questions. Although it's pretty interesting, some clarity on the scene and situation would be wonderful. I'm guessing the obscurity is part of it being a WIP? “I have this under control; I know that everything will be fine” I told myself. The reader already knows that you're talking to yourself. Declaring it is unneeded. For a second, I believed my usual reassurance but then laughed in defeat. It won’t work this time. None of that positive attitude bull**** will help me now. All those years of believing in myself, believing that I was in control of my life were coming to an end. I pictured God looking down at me, nudging his celestial companions, pointing at me and laughing at my futile attempt to make everything right. This depiction of God made me laugh. This sentence could could be stronger and at the moment, it's painfully passive. Cutting the first few words and saying 'God makes me laugh' would stay with the conversational style. It wasn’t the laugh of defeat I had earlier, it was a genuine laugh and it felt good. Don't be afraid to bust out a thesaurus and look up new words. You've used laugh in pretty close proxmity to each other and about 4 times before. Get some word choice on. “I might have lost my life but I still have my sense of humor” This is a pretty quick shift in emotions. Isn't there some time for slow realization? I say the main character should ease into being so accepting. I said with a smile on my face. I finally came to a realization that it was coming to an end; the grand finale of Will Reed, the climax, the whole shebang, because when it comes to my fate, I now realize that I am not in control.

You often shift from present and past tense. Pick one or the other. Consistency makes everything flow better. I hope you expand on the scene and situation. The story seems interesting.

[sillyman]

You often shift from present and past tense. Pick one or the other. Consistency makes everything flow better. I hope you expand on the scene and situation. The story seems interesting.

Thanks a lot, for the critique, I'm still working on it. Also, about emitting "I thought to myself". . .would I still need to put that sentence in quotations? Or because hes by himself I wouldn't need them?

[aBIGsheep]

You're the author. It's your call.

Do you want him speaking out loud to himself or do you want everything internal?

[prendrelemick]

Hate the "poignant" sirens. Loved the rest.

[firewrathed]

Seems to be a good start for a good story. Remarkable for a beginner, I'd say.

[sillyman]

Hey guys, I made some corrections so here it is. I just moved back to school so I haven't been able to work on the rest that much, but it's coming.

The poignant sirens fill my head. “I have this under control; I know that everything will be fine.” For a second, I believe my usual reassurance but then laugh in defeat. It won’t work this time. None of that positive attitude bull**** will help me now. All those years of believing in myself, believing that I was in control of my life were coming to an end. I picture God looking down at me, nudging his celestial companions, pointing at me and laughing at my futile attempt to make everything right. God made me smile; a fake smile that wasn’t convincing. I let out an exasperated sigh as I look down at my crimson hands. No matter how hard I scour them, my daughter’s blood still remains, haunting me of what has happened. The enclosing sirens broke my thought. I finally came to a realization that it was ending; the grand finale of Will Reed, the climax, the whole shebang, because when it comes to my fate, I am not in control.

[aBIGsheep]

You need to start with something a little stronger. One of the best ways to start a story is when you're thrusting the reader into the thick of it -- getting them to ask questions and tickling their curiosity and trying to get them to read further.
Here are some lines that I think would be stronger:

“I have this under control; I know that everything will be fine.”

For a second, I believe my usual reassurance but then laugh in defeat.

None of that positive attitude bull**** will help me now.