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Thread: Short Story: River Anthony

  1. #1

    Post Short Story: River Anthony

    Hello, this is the first time I've registered here and I think this is great! I've written a short story(Well, personally I think that it's short) and it takes just about 30 to 40 minutes to read.

    The title of my story is River Anthony, and it's about Rain Evans, a teenage girl who meets a young man named River Anthony, and falls in love at first sight. She sees River as the most perfect person in the world: "Smart, amazing, kind. Amazing." But when Rain is invited to visit the Anthony's home, she discovers that this perfect angel had an imperfectly tragic past. In this short story, Rain and River learn one of the most important lessons of their lives.

    I feel like my story was written poorly and I was hoping that someone could take the time to read over it, and suggest some corrections. I currently have some teachers at my school editing for me, along with some of my friends' older siblings. (Yeah I'm still in 8th grade...)

    I wasn't sure if the story would be short enough to fit here(about 9400 words the last time I checked) so here's a link to a website I created: http://www.RiverAnthony.webs.com/
    It isn't very fancy and everything, I just did what I could with freewebs, haha. If you aren't very interested in reading the entire story, I've created a little trailer(no pictures, only words and quotes ) found at that website.

    So far, a lot of my family friends have read it and are notifying me when they see errors while they're at it. I wanted to share River Anthony with more than just my friends and family, and that's why I'm here

    (One of the chapters in my story[Chapter 6] is based on the Motorbike Love Story Written by an Unknown Author. If anyone possibly knows the name of the author, I'd appreciate it if you told me I've tried looking everywhere on YouTube, forums, Google, yet no one seems to claim the story!)

    Thanks very much! I hope to hear from you soon!

    -----

    Here's the Preface to the story. I didn't think the story was short enough for me to post it here.

    Life is a particularly difficult subject. So difficult it can never be explained the exact same way twice. Why is there life when all that it gives is the opportunity for pain to take over? Why is there life even though no matter how happy and pleasant it becomes, thereís always the unavoidable day where it will end?

    I donít know why he would do such a thing. I knew if I never had met him, he would be somewhere else, farther and maybe happier than he is today.

    There are so many other people out there that couldíve died.

    Deep inside, I felt that it shouldíve been me who had taken the pain this time. He needed the second chance at life more than I did. He was more precious than he thought he was, itís just that no one was there to tell him.

    All this I thought, until he taught me my own lesson.



    As I lay on the hospital bed with tubes from every direction taped to my body, I remember feeling the saddest of tears splashing down on my face. It took me a while to realize that they didnít belong to me.

    I could hear several people talking, yet I didnít understand what a single voice had said. In my mind there was another voice. Words that I heard clear. It was the most graceful voice of all. The voice sounded so heavenly it had calmed me down, and assured me I was alright.

    The voice wasnít new to me, though. Iíve heard it before and Iíve already grown to love it more than anything else in the world.

    When I opened my eyes, the world was clear again, like it had been two months ago Ė two months ago when I had not known a face like his existed so beautiful.
    Last edited by Reggi; 01-08-2009 at 05:36 PM. Reason: Added the preface
    Reggi

  2. #2
    A FLEECED MONSTROSITY aBIGsheep's Avatar
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    It's alright. Really, most of the sentences just need to be moved around.

    You shouldn't EVER start with a philosophical question. It's tacky. When you start with some philosophy hog wash you're asking the reader the question. The reader doesn't know that it's an internal thought from a character.

    There are so many other people out there that could’ve died.
    That right there is a much stronger intro sentence. It has the reader questioning and it can draw them in for more. It also sets you up for more scenes and raises questions.
    The worst feeling in the world isn't loneliness, it's being forgotten by someone you can't forget.

  3. #3
    Wow, you're right! Thanks
    Reggi

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