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Thread: To be Continued...

  1. #1

    To be Continued...

    That evening she had to look especially good. Her make up had no mistakes. She put on the new dress she had bought particularly for that occasion, combed her hair in a special and charming way. Shoes matched the hand-bag she had, also, bought for that special purpose of the night.

    While watching herself in the mirror to make a final check of this perfect look, her boyfriend's face peeped through the door, seeming rather impatient. He had been waiting for alomost one hour, then, and he was not going to wait any longer. The expression on his face was saying it. But, as soon as he saw how his girlfriend looked, his lips turned into a wide smile of pleasure.

    "Wow!" He exclaimed. "You look great! I was not waiting in vain! Oh, man!!!"

    She turned around in front of him, strait and pround of the success she made and happy to see that he liked it. Then he offered her his arm bent in elbow, she took him under his arm and they went out.

    The night was beautiful. The sky was full of stars. The air was fresh and clean. They crossed a field in front of their house and went into a nearby forest. Trees seemed to bow down in admiration of this nice looking couple. They felt it and waved them back friendly. When they got to a glittering stream, there was an old oak's log on its bank. They set on it. He put his arm around her sholders, she bent her head on his sholder and they set there in silence, watching the stars.

    "OK, you two", they heard the voice of a man who came and set beside them, "what are we going to write about tonight?"

    They both smiled and set strait, then she said:

    "Well... about New Year's Eve, of course!"

    "Oh, silly me!", said the man, "I should've guessed it myself! That's why you look and smell so gorgeous!"

    She winked and smiled, blushing from pleasure, for her lovely appearance did not pass unnoticed.

    "Great! What is the title?" Asked the man.

    "Epistolary Literature of the 21st Century." Said the boy.

    "Hmmmm... I like it!" The man agreed.

    "His first message to her:" Started the boy. "Hi! I've seen your profile and I like it. Would you mind if we excanged messages?"

    The girl continued: "Her first message to him: 'Of course, I wouldn't mind. That's why I am here.' And she put a little smiling face at the end of the message, meaning that she was very pleased for receiving his message."

    "His second message to her: 'I am a writer, what do you do for living?'"

    "How very nice! I am a writer, too. That's so exciting to find a colleague on this site!'"

    "He read her message and paused to think what to tell her next." The man overtook the story.

    "The New Year's Eve is getting closer', he typed then, 'do you have any plans?'" Continued the boy.

    "While reading this message she thought what to answer. To tell him that she had no plans, he would think that she was some stupid girl left alone while everybody is being together with somebody... No! That wouldn't seem appropriate, so she wrote..." The man said.

    "'Sure. My boyfriend has arrived few days ago from abroad just to spend the New Year's Eve with me. How about you?" The girl carried on.

    "He seemed a little disappointed, got up from his chair in front of computer, walked to a window and looked out. Then he returned and wrote..." The man finished.

    "'I am still not sure. There are two girls asking me to spend the evening with them, so... I think I'll be with both of them', here he put several smilies to express how funny he thought the situation was, then continued: 'if they agreed', then another bunch of smiles grouped at the end of the message." The boy overtook the story.

    "'Excellent! I wish you to have a great party! Don't get drunk, though!' Now she put a group of smilies to express that she was only joking with him." Said the girl.

    "Around 8 o'clock in the evening on the very day of New Year's Eve they both set beside their computers almost simultaneously." The man said.

    "Hi! I am ready to go out. Can you believe it: both girls accepted my invitation, although they new that there would be another girl with me, hehe?'" The boy said.

    "Really!? How extraordinary! My boyfriend has just called me. He is coming to pick me up and take me to some nice, romantic place. I am ready and waiting... Oh, here he is! Have a good time, I must run.'" The girl said.

    "He read her message and went to the kitchen to have some wine. He looked through the window. The town was all shining adorned with New Year's lights. He didn't turn the light at his home on. He wanted to be in darkness, it suited his mood. On the other side of the computer, she was walking around her flat in darkness, too, not knowing what to do. She took a book and read a few pages, then went to the computer again. Should she tell him the truth that she was all alone and that there was no sign of any boyfriends in her life, or anything? But, then, she said to herself, no, it is better like this. 'You've got a new message!' The screen wrote. She opened the message. Wow! Him again! And the message said:" The man silenced.

    "'It seems that I will be late a bit. Who cares! Let them wait, won't harm them. He, he... I just wanted to see have you left already." The boy overtook the story.

    "'No, but my boyfriend is here, prepairing some drink for the two of us. My comp is in another room, I've just dropped in to take some things when I noticed your message.'" The girl continued.

    "'Oh! Are you two going out?'"

    "Here she made a pause to think. Then an excellent idea came to her mind and she typed:"

    "The atmosphere in my flat is so romantic and since we haven't been together for some time, we decided to spend the night here.'"

    "'Really!? How nice! Hmmm... I think I'll do the same. I'll call the two girls to come to my apartment. Should be fun. Thanks for the idea!'"

    "He sent the message to her and after nearly half an hour she replied:"

    "'He is so sweet, my boyfriend! We had a few drinks, I told him that I had some things to collect from this room where my computer is, just to see if there is any message from you. Have your girlfriends arrived?'"

    "'Yes, they are here. Oh, man! How gorgeous they look. One is blond and the other is black-haired. It is good that I decided to be with both of them. I just wouldn't know which one to choose if I had to. They have just arrived and are in the kitchen prepairing some food and drinks. They get along quite well. I think we are going to have a hot night tonight!'"

    "'I am sure you would!'"

    "She sent the message and a few drops of tears twinkled in her eyes. She felt more and more lonely with the approaching of midnight, but somehow her unpleasant feelings got soothed when she wrote and received the messages to and from him. After half an hour he called again."

    "Hi! Are you around? See what happens here! I went to the kitchen, the girls made everything. In the dining room there is a table, completely set. They brought lots of nice things to nibble. There are candles everywhere, baloons and all those silly, funny New Year things around. We set there, I turned good music on. After a few drinks they both set on my lap kissing me passionately. I feel like being in paradise! I came here to take a book about making love with two girls to show them. Oh, boy, we are laughing so much! How about you two?'" The boy said.

    "'Our atmosphere is similar as yours. Only, we are two and passionately in love with each other. He adores me. I love him, too, of course. He is tall and slim. He has big tender eyes. We kiss every now and then... Well, we've always been so happy together.'"

    "They kept exchanging messages of this sort every half an hour, explaining why were they in the next room, to take this or to do that, and inventing stories about how happy they were in their apartments and companies. At midnight she wrote:"

    "'Can you believe it! He went to the bathroom exactly at midnight, he, he... Well, I hope he won't be long. Drop a few words how things go there when you find time.'"

    "His answer arrived immediately:" Said the man.

    "'It's funny. We made love before midnight. Wow, it was hot! With two girls. I've never done this before! But I enjoyed it extreemely. Now they are both asleep, because, they said, I made them so tired, haha.'" The boy continued.

    "He was holding the back of his chair and his head leaning on it. Watching the screen of his computer, an idea suddenly occured to him, and he added in his message:"

    "'If your boyfriend fell asleep, too, why wouldn't we meet somewhere...?'"

    "When she read this message, her mind got enlightened, as well: he had been inventing it all, just as she had! She burst into laughter after realising it. So, she typed her mobile phone number, and sent it to him, saying nothing more. After a few seconds her phone rang, and she heard the most beautiful male voice... This is how their love began." The man finished the story.

    "I liked it so much!" The young couple exclaimed at the same time.

    "So, tomorrow - same time, same place." Said the man expectingly.

    "Of course!", replied the couple, "We love you!!!"

    "I love you, too!!!"... and off they went.
    Last edited by mmaria; 01-05-2009 at 05:33 AM.
    Love doesn't make the world go round,
    love is what makes the ride worthwhile.

  2. #2
    I usually try to be as positive as I can when I critique, but I was quite baffled by this story. I had to stop reading after the halfway-mark because I just couldn't understand what was going on. I'm guessing this is some sort of "story-within-a-story" type of thing. Still, I didn't get it.

    First of all, you didn't give your characters names. Not only was I completely indifferent towards them, but in addition I couldn't follow who any of them were. Who is "the man"? I thought he was some sort of creepy stalker at first, then... I still didn't know who he was. Second of all, I had NO idea what all these people were doing after they went into the woods. Did they all have their laptops out, talking to each other in the woods or something? Or was this part of the 'story' they were all writing (which I didn't follow either)? You need to include the elementary stuff -- who, what, where, when, why -- if you want to write a good story. Otherwise, the reader will stop reading. Simple as that.

    Second of all, there were some flaws in your writing, which I will address very briefly:

    "While watching herself in the mirror to make a final check of this perfect look, her boyfriend's face peeped through the door, seeming rather impatient. He had been waiting for alomost one hour, then, and he was not going to wait any longer. The expression on his face was saying it. But, as soon as he saw how his girlfriend looked, his lips turned into a wide smile of pleasure."

    1. You don't need to say "his face" peeped through the door. I think the reader will understand that once you mention the word "peep." No one peeps through a door with their foot.

    2. You can git rid of the second-last sentence. We know about his expression already.

    3. Also, the phrase "his lips turned into a wide smile of pleasure" is, excuse me for being blunt, laughable. When someone smiles, we know that it's their lips that are smiling. When someone smiles, we know they feel pleasure. You could have just said "he smiled." It's effectively the same thing.

    Don't take any of this personally. Just realize that, if you want to write a good story, at the very least it must be coherent. Yours wasn't, unfortunately.

  3. #3
    Quote Originally Posted by JacobF View Post
    I usually try to be as positive as I can when I critique, but I was quite baffled by this story. I had to stop reading after the halfway-mark because I just couldn't understand what was going on. I'm guessing this is some sort of "story-within-a-story" type of thing. Still, I didn't get it.

    First of all, you didn't give your characters names. Not only was I completely indifferent towards them, but in addition I couldn't follow who any of them were. Who is "the man"? I thought he was some sort of creepy stalker at first, then... I still didn't know who he was. Second of all, I had NO idea what all these people were doing after they went into the woods. Did they all have their laptops out, talking to each other in the woods or something? Or was this part of the 'story' they were all writing (which I didn't follow either)? You need to include the elementary stuff -- who, what, where, when, why -- if you want to write a good story. Otherwise, the reader will stop reading. Simple as that.

    Second of all, there were some flaws in your writing, which I will address very briefly:

    "While watching herself in the mirror to make a final check of this perfect look, her boyfriend's face peeped through the door, seeming rather impatient. He had been waiting for alomost one hour, then, and he was not going to wait any longer. The expression on his face was saying it. But, as soon as he saw how his girlfriend looked, his lips turned into a wide smile of pleasure."

    1. You don't need to say "his face" peeped through the door. I think the reader will understand that once you mention the word "peep." No one peeps through a door with their foot.

    2. You can git rid of the second-last sentence. We know about his expression already.

    3. Also, the phrase "his lips turned into a wide smile of pleasure" is, excuse me for being blunt, laughable. When someone smiles, we know that it's their lips that are smiling. When someone smiles, we know they feel pleasure. You could have just said "he smiled." It's effectively the same thing.

    Don't take any of this personally. Just realize that, if you want to write a good story, at the very least it must be coherent. Yours wasn't, unfortunately.
    If my English is not correct, I can accept and thank you for your not very positive words. But if you don't understand the story just because it is not a journalist's report, then, sorry, I don't think that a literature work should be written in such way.
    Last edited by mmaria; 01-06-2009 at 04:37 AM.
    Love doesn't make the world go round,
    love is what makes the ride worthwhile.

  4. #4
    Quote Originally Posted by mmaria View Post
    If my English is not correct, I can accept and thank you for your not very positive words. But if you don't understand the story just because it is not a journalist's report, then, sorry, I don't think that a literature work should be written in such way.
    I did not say your story needs to resemble a journalist's report. But the reader should understand the who, what, where, when and why of the story at some point. Just imagine this: you're reading the story and you don't know who the characters are. You don't know what they are doing, where they are or when it takes place. Does that sound like a good story? Your story was iffy with the who and the what, and especially the why.

    The 'why' part is flexible, though. You can leave it to the reader's imagination as to why a character is doing something. For instance, a murder takes place. You don't know why it happened, but as the story progresses inklings to the reason are revealed. However, if you're reading the story and you don't know throughout the entire thing why anyone is doing anything, then the reader loses interest.

    Once again, the 5 Ws don't have to be obvious. In fact, it's better if you reveal them with subtlety than with brute force. Just inform the reader at some point what's going on, who's doing what etc. or else they will stop reading.
    Last edited by JacobF; 01-06-2009 at 06:00 PM.

  5. #5
    Quote Originally Posted by JacobF View Post
    I did not say your story needs to resemble a journalist's report. But the reader should understand the who, what, where, when and why of the story at some point. Just imagine this: you're reading the story and you don't know who the characters are. You don't know what they are doing, where they are or when it takes place. Does that sound like a good story? Your story was iffy with the who and the what, and especially the why.

    The 'why' part is flexible, though. You can leave it to the reader's imagination as to why a character is doing something. For instance, a murder takes place. You don't know why it happened, but as the story progresses inklings to the reason are revealed. However, if you're reading the story and you don't know throughout the entire thing why anyone is doing anything, then the reader loses interest.

    Once again, the 5 Ws don't have to be obvious. In fact, it's better if you reveal them with subtlety than with brute force. Just inform the reader at some point what's going on, who's doing what etc. or else they will stop reading.
    Thank you for the very detailed explanations, they are excellent. I always write stories influenced by inspiration, maybe that is why they are not clear to readers. I suppose that my stories could be labelled as rather introverted, exclusive, trying to trace a special sort of public. I am not trying to find any excuse or justification for my kind of writing, just explaining how I see it.
    Thanks so much for paying attention and giving really useful comments. Its great!
    Love doesn't make the world go round,
    love is what makes the ride worthwhile.

  6. #6
    The young couple took a long walk to enjoy wonders of that bright night. After a while, the boy said:

    «Our friend looks much better. Don't you think so?»

    The girl smiled. «Yes, you're right. I am so glad about it.» And she sighed deeply.

    The boy took her hand and squeezed it firmly to give her more stregth.

    «He looks so much younger than his age. I just don't understand how could his wife leave him. My father is not the half as good looking as him, but my mother is still madly in love with him...» The boy commented.

    «Yeah,» she admitted, «you're lucky. It hurts so much to see somebody you like to suffer for love like that.»

    «Whose idea was it to sit by the stream and invent stories?» He asked with a curious smile.

    The girl smiled, too. «Well, you see. When I was kid, the three of us used to come to this place every evening and do the same as we are doing now. Since they are both writers and had no children of their own, they wanted to develop the same love in me. So, when he came to me to tell me what'd happened with him and his wife, I had to do something for him, something really good. And I suggested it. At first I thought if would hurt him more, but when he accepted it with a great hope, I understood that I said the right thing. He was so delighted about the idea...»
    Love doesn't make the world go round,
    love is what makes the ride worthwhile.

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