Results 1 to 6 of 6

Thread: Distant Thoughts (for critique)

  1. #1
    Registered User Anselmus's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Location
    Olathe KS
    Posts
    83

    Distant Thoughts (for critique)

    1. a. Still and quiet, the blur shade of night compels me
    ....b. Into its soft, mysterious mist of phantom tomorrows;
    ....c. Desire conceived in days long past, enduring – haunting.

    2. a. My sight struggles through gnarled branches obscuring
    ....b. The city distant, expansive beyond my perception;
    ....c. A labyrinth concealing you in temptuous mockery.

    3. a. Though only briefly met, you are impressed upon me -
    ....b. Simply as a full moon setting over the ocean surf -
    ....c. In my everyday thoughts and each beat of my heart.

    4. a. Inspiration thriving, growing, invading my all;
    ....b. Faith calming, assuring, expanding throughout;
    ....c. And sweet, euphoric dreams of Heavenly descent.

    5. a. As I gaze longingly into this cold veil unyielding
    ....b. I wonder where you are, what you are doing;
    ....c. Do you visit the depth of night and ponder...

    6. a. Dare I lend myself to the thought that, maybe,
    ....b. You too look off into the dark night and consider
    ....c. Images of a tomorrow we might together share.

    7. a. Dare I not..?

    I'm at my wits-end editing this; perhaps a new perspective would help.

    2. c. I know temptuous is not a word, alternately I was using seductive, but it seems most people understand a rough meaning of temptuous (indeed are surprised, as I as, that it is not technically a word), so I put it back in.
    5. a. I'm not sure about the word 'cold'; it's a recent addition and I have yet to find an alternate.
    Last edited by Anselmus; 02-21-2005 at 05:21 PM. Reason: A few notes.
    “Yet love seeketh not his own! Dear,
    You may take my happiness to make you happier,
    Even though you never know I gave it you –
    Only let me hear sometimes, all alone,
    The distant laughter of your joy!...”

  2. #2
    Pièce de Résistance Scheherazade's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Location
    Tweet @ScherLitNet
    Posts
    23,903
    I really like this poem. Reminds me of ee cummings in some places.
    ~
    "It is not that I am mad; it is only that my head is different from yours.”
    ~


  3. #3
    Good morning, Campers! Jay's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Location
    Czech Republic
    Posts
    7,251
    1b - I like 'mysterious mist of phantom tomorrows'
    2c - Temptuous is not a word? Sure looks like one.
    5a - chilly? Though I think 'cold' is ok, what's wrong with it?
    5c - very nice line
    6a,b,c - that's so sweet, I love it lots

    for stanza 7 or more, I think it might be a good idea to describe the 6c, "Images of a tomorrow we might together share" ?
    I have a plan: attack!

  4. #4
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    Static Sandglass
    Posts
    265
    B.e.a.u.t.i.f.u.l.

    One of the best poems I've read recently
    Last edited by Avalive; 03-04-2005 at 03:57 AM.
    Nothing but nothingness

  5. #5
    somewhere else Helga's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Location
    on the ice in the middle of the sea
    Posts
    2,741
    Blog Entries
    351
    I love it as it is now, perfect. One of the best poems I have read on this website
    I hope death is joyful, and I hope I'll never return -Frida Khalo

    If I seem insensitive to what you are going through, understand it's the way I am- Mr. Spock

    Personally, I think that the unique and supreme delight lies in the certainty of doing 'evil'–and men and women know from birth that all pleasure lies in evil. - Baudelaire

  6. #6
    Registered User Anselmus's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Location
    Olathe KS
    Posts
    83
    Thank you all very much for sharing your thoughts. I'm still uncertain as to whether or not I feel its complete so I'm taking a break from it for a bit. If I make changes I'll post them again.

    I appreciate your assistance
    “Yet love seeketh not his own! Dear,
    You may take my happiness to make you happier,
    Even though you never know I gave it you –
    Only let me hear sometimes, all alone,
    The distant laughter of your joy!...”

Similar Threads

  1. thoughts on 1984
    By Sean in forum 1984
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 05-13-2008, 03:57 PM
  2. Some thoughts...
    By D in forum Crime and Punishment
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 05-24-2005, 06:07 PM
  3. Romeo and Juliet....Midsummer's Nights Dream....your thoughts
    By karibug99 in forum General Literature
    Replies: 11
    Last Post: 05-18-2005, 10:23 AM
  4. Thoughts Of You
    By Suetang in forum Personal Poetry
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 05-09-2004, 10:03 PM
  5. Muslims Thoughts about Death
    By Bittersweet in forum Religious Texts
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 11-16-2003, 03:03 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •