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Thread: Moment

  1. #1
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    Post Moment

    Moment

    It was a lovely spring afternoon; the sky was blue, and the trees were swaying. You go to a park with your friend David. As you put down your picnic basket on the grass beside David, you feel like the whole world is just perfect. You lie down beside him, his hand just an inch away. “Isn’t this just paradise?” You say, as a butterfly flutters away, its wings casting a rainbow in the sky. “I couldn’t agree more,” says David, looking at you. “The sky, the trees, and…” He continues, still looking deep into your eyes. The moment makes you melt; you’d always had a crush on him, but were always too shy to admit it because you were scared of what he’d say if he knew the truth. It was times like these when you felt like telling everything to him.

    “It’s all perfect, especially…” David says, tearing his eyes off you and looking at the ground. His fingers twitching. You knew from all those years that he was nervous. That he was shy. You couldn’t figure out why. There was no reason except if he liked – no, you thought, quickly casting that idea out of your head. You weren’t going to get your hopes up.

    “Especially…?” You suddenly say. You just had to do it. There was no way you could possibly live without wondering what would have happened if you did. The moment gets intense, as you wait hopefully for his reply.

    “Well… it’s kinda… you don’t want to know.” Says David, eyes still fixed on the dandelion he’d picked from the grass. You look straight at him, “Tell me,” You say, thinking that it was just another of his awkward perceptions of his music.

    “It’s you, ok? I think you’re perfect. I think… I think I’m in love – with you!” says David, turning redder than a tomato. Your mouth hangs wide. You’re stunned. Even though you’ve been waiting for him to say that to you for more than half of your life, you’re in shock. You never ever thought that he’d say that. The shocked expression on your face slowly but surely turns into a smile.

    “David, I’ve got something to admit,” You say, finally being able to tell him the truth. Suddenly a kite crashes in, ruining your perfect moment. An embarrassed mum mumbles her apology and grabs the kite, with an over-excited kid in tow.

    The moment becomes and awkward silence, filled with thoughts and ‘what if’s’.

    THE NEXT DAY

    You walk slowly to David’s house, you heart beating faster than ever. You think about how you’re going to admit your true feelings to him now that your moment is gone. As you reach out your hand to ring the doorbell, the door opens; it’s David. “Hey,’ He says, with nervousness lingering in his voice. “Erm… about yesterday…” he continues, looking into your eyes. “It was nothing, just… forget it.” You say, anxious to get rid of the awkwardness. “Listen, I know it wasn’t nothing and I’m not about to forget it,” says David. You look down, unsure of what to say. And as if he knew what you were thinking of, David says, “You don’t have to say anything right now, but we need to talk.”

    David takes your hand and brings you to the tree house the both of you built when you were little. You follow him as he climbs up, your heart still jittering. You look up as you’re about to take your last step into the tree house, and you see David’s hand. You take it.

    The both of you sit there, just staring out, with your legs swinging over the edge. “You know, I meant what I said the other day… that I’m in love with you. Do you love me?” says David, looking cautiously at you as he broke the silence. You feel your heart do a complete 360° as the illusive moment arrives again. You look around you, look at David. Yup, the moment was here. It was time to tell him the truth.

    Gazing deeply into David’s eyes, you say, “Yes, David, I love you. I always have and always will.” You feel a surge of relief flood over you, as if a massive boulder was lifted off your shoulders. After all, you’d just admitted your love for the man of your dreams. And he loved you back. What could be better? “I love you. I’ve never loved anyone else like the way I love you.” You say, wanting to feel that relief again.

    David leans toward you; you feel his arms surround you. His eyes are half closed in a state of utter bliss. You smile, closing your eyes as you see David’s lips come closer to yours. As you feel his lips on yours, your whole body shivers. It was a long, passionate kiss, one that neither one of you would ever forget. What seemed like an eternity later, you pull back; you needed air. You felt David’s arms envelop you into a hug.

    “Wow,” was all David could say in response of what had just happened. “Yeah, wow. What a first kiss,” you say, panting heavily. “I’ll never forget this moment,” said David as he smiled that gorgeous smile. This time, you were sure that that smile was for you and you alone.


    Please leave your comments as long as they are not sick!

  2. #2
    Phil Captain Pike's Avatar
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    It didn't take much imagination to be the girl. All the while I was expecting a, "... but I have AIDS", or something like that, maybe, "... and I want you for a friend, always...". But it just turned out nice, and that is okay. I've often wondered what a thing like that would feel like.
    I was always in love with my best friend, kind of thing, when I was a young man.

    The one thing I caught, which caught in my craw, you might say. The second part of the story begins after the THE NEXT DAY heading. But then, in the narrative that follows, David says, "I meant what I said the other day...", wouldn't that be, "I meant what I said yesterday..."? Small, but does foul up the continuity a bit.

    Also, in the very beginning, we are in the past tense, "it was a lovely spring day...". Then later, the next few sentences pertain to the present moment in a nice way that suggests the hypothetical to the reader. I do this a lot. If you didn't mean to do this for some reason, I think the tale sounds better if we put it all in the present tense, "imagine -- it is a lovely spring day, white fluffy clouds punctuate the clear blue sky... you are on an old stinky mattress with you next prospect...", as you can see, my thinking is a little bit the way you didn't want to hear about, ha ha.

    Great work, please keep writing._P.
    Last edited by Captain Pike; 12-03-2008 at 04:26 PM.

    Ничего нет лучше для исправления, как прежнее с раскаянием вспомнить.

  3. #3
    Registered User Parvez Ahmed's Avatar
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    Perfect emotions - imperfect motions! Great thing but needs a little patching.

    I hope to see more from you.
    ‘Tis nothing in this mundane illusion you dementedly seek,
    Also after death, there’s neither Gehenna nor any golden peak.
    - Parvez Ahmed

  4. #4
    Registered User prendrelemick's Avatar
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    nice to have a love story where things run smoothly for a change.

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