Fiction: The Game

[jekan blazer]

..."i love muffins!" though only she knew that they were random speach/mind control muffins.
"piepiepiepiepiepiepiepiepiepiepiepiepiepiepiepiep iepiepiepiepieppiepiepiepie
piepiepiepiepiepiepiepiepiepiepiepiepiepiepiepiepi epiepiepiepiepiepiepiepiepiepiepiepie!"
ladyw smiled evily and....

[LadyW]

...watched him for amusement.
Jekan began to struggle, he looked desperate. His eyes watered, and his face grew flustered, almost as though he was trying to tell her something.
"Jekan?...Jekan? What's wrong?"
"I-I..III--cgh,gh...I.." he stuttered, panting and panicking as if he was running out of time.
The team approached.
Lady W...

[kingoflombards]

...Did all she could, but alas, all was in vain and Jekan died a terrible, slow death.

Not really. Here's what really happened.

Just as the team got close enough to see Jekan clearly he disappeared, and in his spot, Dobby appeared and, with his mighty broad-sword, Gilbert, in hand rose slay them all. But then...

[jekan blazer]

(this is the story so far with my addition...)


Once upon a time, there was a gargantuan, stone mansion. It was situated on an enormous estate, with kilometres [or miles] of forest and fields around it. There was a little cottage in a small corner of its large gardens; here lived the gardener and his family. But as for the mansion itself, nobody had lived in it for decades. It was bleak, dreary, and dull, like a body whose soul had deserted it. The locals (not the Gardiners, they were very steady, sensible people with no regard for such nonsense) said it was haunted. But who knows...

It was a typical day at Roseberry Manor. Mr Gardiner had woken up pretty early (only four o'clock this time) and had just started tending the radish patch. All was perfectly normal: Mrs Gardiner had sent him some lettuce-and-egg sandwiches (the Gardiners were all vegetarian) for lunch, Toby and little Claire were playing on a sunspeckled patch of lawn a few hundred metres away, and the house looked melancholy, as usual.

But when Mr Gardiner went to fill up his watering can at the creek at the south side of the manor gardens, something peculiar caught his eye. On the road, which was well visible from the creek, a carriage was rolling by. This was extremely peculiar, as nobody ever came to Roseberry Manor. The last time somebody wholly unrelated to him had come by was when a threesome of frightened teenagers came to investigate if the Manor was really haunted (on a dare). But that was ten years ago. He now squinted, making his already small and short-sighted eyes even smaller and his vision even worse. He blinked. He still couldn't make anything out. So he took his watering can and quite forgot about the matter. Perhaps the carriage had the wrong address.

So everything continued as usual for a few more weeks. Until one day, lo and behold! The curtains stirred, the chimney puffed, the doors creaked. No one knew who moved in;when they moved in;how they moved in. People around wondered and whispered;whispered and wondered. It surely couldn't be the... Could it? The owner of the manor! Indeed it was! No one knew what he was like, or even what he looked like, he was such a mysterious, shadowy personage. it was gossiped, though, that he was the grandson of the late M. de Bordeaux, who used to own the manor, and had come from France to settle down and find a wife. Well so they said. All the young women of the town were impatiently waiting to see him in town, even if it had to be somewhere as unromantic as a grocery store. But they were made to wait. Months passed by, and the shadowy figure still made no appearance. What was he living on, air? There certainly were no food storages in the Manor.

But, luckily for the people of the nearby town, he had servants. Only very few, some three or four; but these servants spread astounding rumours. Chilling ones, even. For example, they saidhis diet consisted entirely of broccoli and old cheese! Can one imagine such a thing! Why, as preposterous as it may seem, these servants claimed, his lordship would idly munch on a piece of broccoli, or perhaps some smelly old blue cheese, even whilst having his back scrubbed by the lowliest of servants, the cook. And the poor cook, whose job requisites, or so it seemed, were entirely caught up in the wholesale purcase of great rounds of blue cheese, which then had to be wheeled home to the manor, and the constant sorting of slowly wilting heads of broccoli!

The servants of course, never at a loss for tales where their master was concerned, nevertheless remained mute on matters more likely to titilate the often spurious and deceitful minds of the local gossips. For instance, concerning the masters latenight escapades, they watched as he would climb out of the upstair window and shimmy down the vines in when there was a full moon and everyone was asleep. He would run across to the lake, long black robes flowing behind him and white hair all wild and crazy like the future Mr. Albert Einstein. he would race across to the lake in freezing nights and dive in, breaking the ice and lay submerged for hours until he would appear suddenly as if he were waking and reneter the manor the same way he had left.

One young house servant spoke of the day when she appeared by his room to find his clothes, the clothes he was wearing just before neatly placed out on the bed as if he were lying there, with the stockings tucked into the tasseled shoes and the belt in the pant loops and the cloak that the owner so often wore laid behind. The startled young lady went to touch the clothes to put them away when the Master appeared. Without a word, the white-robed spectre motioned the maid to give him the clothes.
With a courteous curtsey she clasped the clothes in her cuff-sleeved hands, and handed them to the Master without so much as breathing.
But she took him all in, from his fluffy bathrobe to the last silver-white hair. What struck her was his very whiteness. He was all white - his hair, his face, his robes, and the flannel singlet that was underneath them. He was rather daunting in appearance; but there was something about his face that was gentle and unoffending - mild and kind - in short, something that she liked. She took a mental note of the fact that his skin was smooth and unwrinkled, and his features even and good-looking. If it weren't for his white hair, she would have thought him twenty.
Perhaps it was a wig, she thought, being a quick-witted young lady.
They stared at each other for another two minutes. Two long minutes. The best minutes of their life. Neither knew why, or how, but those two minutes were sadly blissful. She looked at him with pity, mingled with sadness, and he with an unspeakable melancholy that was whispered in the wind.
But just then while they were standing there, staring at each other in sorrowful happiness, there came some ruffling and scratching from behind the curtains. Something or someone was surely there, doing what no human imagination could venture to guess:ruffle, ruffle, ruffle;scratch, scratch, scratch! Before she knew what was happening or ask any questions, the poor girl found herself out of the Master's room, the door shut so quickly to her face that she could not help wondering if she had been dreaming! Baffled and confused, she stood, frozen, outside the door, her heart beating within her. What had happened? Dare she go back in? Her legs trembled beneath her. On a final resolution, she crouched down to peer through the keyhole. Her eyes grew large...she saw Monsieur Bordeaux, still clad in his pale tone, gently wipe away the white from his skin with a towel; the white almost looked like some substance she could not identify, or, perhaps, he wiped on a peach-like color. He brushed at his skin like a mother bathing her child, softly in a manner that entranced the maid until, as she almost had not noticed, Bordeaux swung open the door in one swift movement. He had regained his less-pale, flush color, and his attire seemed fitting for a formal occasion. His facial expression seemed especially mysterious, however, displaying a peculiar look of confusion; his physiognomy, which the maid easily read, showed a terrorized mind. "What is he thinking," the maid thought.
"I am thinking nothing," Bordeaux pronounced in his light, delicate voice. He spoke as carefully as if he walked on shattered glass. "Did you hear anything in my room, while you were outside?"
"No," replied the maid, as she blurted out a quick "sir."
Bordeaux found his look of confidence. He stood much taller than the maid, and gazed upon her; he seemed so bold, dark, yet soft.
"Are you expecting any more guests, sir," the maid asked, "a wife, perhaps?"
Bordeaux broke the look from the maid, and stared at the ground for an awkward silence. Finally:
"I haven't seen my wife since after the war; I came here, wondering if she resided here, this being one of our summer homes, but have had no luck," he murmured.
"No, sir, I have not seen her," the maid sympathized, but only because she found the silence uncomfortable. "I never knew you served in the war."
"For only some time, yes," Bordeaux gazed at her again, "until an accident occurred."
"Oh, I apologize," the maid blushed, "what sort of accident?"
Bordeaux, as if he failed to hear the question, looked reflective out a window that the hallway led to - melancholic, nostalgic. This presented the only light between the brief conversation between Bordeaux and the maid, while he nearly forgot her presence.
Mr. Gardiner entered from the opposite end of the hallway.
"Bordeaux," he called, "there you are. A letter has arrived for you. Come, read it where there is more light downstairs."
Bordeaux turned to follow Mr. Gardiner, slowly, looking down, giving the maid a quick, bashful "good day." The two men proceeded downstairs, where Bordeaux found his letter. He opened it immediately, finding an enclosed document. With trembling fingers, Bordeaux unfolded the letter and hurriedly scanned its contents. As he read, his eyes grew wide, and his complexion turned ashen. He dropped the letter, took a few faltering steps towards the door, then stopped. He turned to Gardiner as though about to speak--yet he said nothing. “He looks,” thought Gardiner, “as though he has seen a ghost.” Gardiner cleared his throat.

“What news does the letter bring, sir?”

Bordeaux acted as though he had not heard. His eyes had a faraway look to them, as though he were unaware of his immediate surroundings. Had the missive awakened some painful memory? What thoughts swirled behind that awful expression on Bordeaux’s face? With a note of urgency, Gardiner repeated his question.

“Sir, what news does the letter bring?”

Bordeaux stirred slightly, and his eyes focused on Gardiner. His lips moved, but the sound that issued forth was inaudible. The dreadful expression remained frozen upon his face. Gardiner stepped closer, and grabbed his friend’s arm.

“SIR, WHAT NEWS?”

Bordeaux croaked, “It says . . . .”

Gardiner leaned closer, awaiting the grim revelation.

“It says . . . “

Gardiner was nearly delirious with anticipation. He shouted, “WHAT?”

“It says that I have been pre-approved for a Bank of America Platinum Visa card. With a 0% APR on transferred balances until June of next year.”

Gardiner stepped back, stunned. Given the Monsieur’s previous experience with credit card debt, this was no small development. It was at that very moment mindboggling that the Visa Corporation had not learned its lesson from the last time they issued him a card when he was a starving university student. Surely their files on him at corporate headquaters were still available, were probably posted on the office walls to show associates what NOt to spend their money on:

Example Visa Billing, Items # 1-5; "Mary had a little lamb" costume rental, $235.00, 26 beer kegs @ $73.00/per, 1 x 1500 gallon portable swimming pool, $327.00, 450 packages of green Jello pudding, $277.00, 1 magic swimming donkey....$837.48.

Bordeaux recovered quickly, his stunned anxious facade turning flush as these same memories flooded his mind.
"Ah, yes"......he murmured, "....little donkey.....cute little donkey..."

Gardner whirled around, took two steps toward the maid and yelled out,
"WATCH OUT!"

The maid wheeled around. Behind her was -
She fainted straight out. "Marie!" Exclaimed M. de Bordeaux's strong, gentle voice, running to catch her. It was at that moment he realised he knew her name. As she lay limp in his arms, something swayed inside him, and he leant against the wall behind him to support himself, and her.
The shadow at the door had disappeared. "Gardiner?" he said, as a convulsive trembling came over his body.
"Yes, sir?"
"Go to the kitchen, and get some whiskey."
"There's no whiskey in the kitchen sir. There's only blue cheese, broccoli, water, blue cheese, broccoli..."
"Well GET ANYTHING, Gardiner, ANYTHING! Just get it!" Roared Bordeaux.
"At once, sir," said Mr Gardiner meekly, and hurried off before the master had a heart attack.
As Bordeaux stood there, holding her, shaking, trembling like an autumn leaf about to fall...
Holding her, like a limp violet, in his arms...
Holding her, like an angel fallen from the sky...
Holding her, like a memory that had long since became dim as the stars at daybreak - his heart beat quickly, his head began to swirl.
"Oh, that I had listened to her," he whispered. "That I had listened to her..."
He let his head droop. Bitter memories returned. All those years - wasted. All that unhappiness, all that anguish, all that heartbreak. For nothing?
And now, he was holding an innocent, young, white flower - beautiful, glowing with goodness. Why had it all happened - why? Why had he wasted his life, with a woman he didn't love, with a war that he was against? His masquerade of a life, always changing, always different - always disguise - why? Had he really been fleeing real happiness?
But he must save her. He had to save the maid at all costs. He recovered his wits. The shadow at the door - Her - he must ward Her off - he must stop her. Or else her revenge would be complete.
Just then Gardiner returned with the mouldy blue cheese, interrupting his thoughts. Taking the moudly cheese, he was about to feed Marie with it, when all of a sudden, Marie regained conciousness and screamed,
"LOOK OUT!"

Gardiner and Bordeaux set their eyes on the shadow at the door in the same simulateneous instant. Bordeaux exclaimed, with wide eyes, and pale face
"the..the...no, I mean... it's....it's Her!"

At that one word, he collapsed into a dead faint. Marie quickly caught him, and Gardiner rushed to support her. So they stood, trembling, holding each other up, while the shadow reached for the handle. The door creaked open...To their astonished and frightened eyes, she never looked taller, never looker whiter and more beautiful. The reign of the White Witch of Narnia was back! This evil witch, was back to rule London! Her eyes flashed fire, as she said, "slave!....How long am I to wait for my chariot?"

She did that funny action that was supposed to reduce obstacles into piles of dust, but luckily for the three stunned persons before her, nothing happened.

"Wife," exclaimed Bordeaux as he recovered from the faint, "what is the meaning of this?"

"Same thing I was going to ask you," snarled the White Witch, casting a withering glance at Marie.

Bordeaux bit the inside of his cheek, trying to repress his anger.

"...With your masquerades again, Lucy," he said in a low tone, so only she understood.

"Yes," said the White Witch with some degree of impatience, "though I must wonder where yours are. Where is your paleness, your whiteness..." - ignoring the fact that Bordeaux was at that moment just as pale as when he had the powder on - "...where is the old man? It seems you have quite forgotten everything. At least tell me you have not sold the donkey."

Bordeaux was silent.

"YOU HAVE NOT SOLD THE DONKEY!" roared the Witch.

Bordeaux lifted his eyes slowly, seeing the rage which possessed her, and said coolly, "I have."

There was a short, blaring silence. Their very ears were deafened by it. Then the Witch demanded slowly, growing whiter and angrier, " To who did you sell it to? Surely you wouldn't dare to sell it to my one enemy that...that..." And the words died on her lips. She dared not utter the name.

Her eyes flashed, she made an action to snatch the blue cheese out of Bordeaux's hand, but didn't, as he moved too quickly for her.

"Yes," he answered, with a mischievous smile playing at his lips, "I did sell it to her."

"Nooooooo!" gasped the White Witch, herself in turn almost fainting. "How could you?"

"Very easily, ma'am," said Bordeaux with mock courtesy.

The first person who began to realise the ludicrousness of the situation was Gardiner. He realised it was Madame de Bordeaux, Bordeaux's hated wife and enemy, in person, who had so recently been a White Witch asking for a chariot - he saw right through her, as more and more she grew into herself; he realised that Bordeaux was still holding the blue cheese he had never had time to give to Marie; he realised that Marie herself was looking more beautiful than Madame herself, though her beauty was a more earthy, solid, brunette one; and finally, he realised that Bordeaux and Marie loved one another, though perhaps even they did not realise this, and that nothing, not even Madame herself in her might and power, could seperate them.

It would mean divorce.

He began to smile. Finally it would be like old times, the manor would be cheerful and colourful once again. Finally Bordeaux would again be a happy young man, with none of the melancholy that had possessed him for so many years. Finally he could go to Missus and reply "Yes," to the daily, "Anything good yet?" And finally, he could retire, with a comfortable pension and young Ralph in his place.

Wasn't life wonderful.

Sadly, he was aroused from his pleasant reverie. What happened was A screaming police car drove up, the old driveway. Three burly policemen jumped out of the car, pistols aimed. Simultaneously, they yelled, "surrender! you are surrounded, and you will never escape alive if you move!"

Cautiously, very cautiously, Bordeaux moved. He moved. He actually moved. The funny thing about it was, he moved. He moved stealthily, he moved cautiously, he moved sneakily, he moved carefully; but the point, gentlement, is that he moved.

And the policemen stood, transfixed. They didn't dare lift a finger, let alone three. The pistols - hanging limply from their hands. They were frozen on the spot.

What was even more strange, was, Bordeaux was moving TOWARDS them. With his white hair steadily blowing in the wind, he, still walking in the same direction, drew his hand to his head and pulled out his white hair! It was a wig! Without his wig, he actually looked much younger. His fiery red hair gave him the change in the complexion, which white hair had made him look old and weird.

His action startled the policemen, so that on of the gasped and fainted, and the other two dropped their guns in shock. They stood, staring, staring at the suddenly young man.

Bordeaux had not altered his pace. He was soon looming up before the policemen. He stopped abruptly, and very deliberately and agily stooped to the ground, picked up the three pistols, held them in the air for a moment, right under the noses of the stupefied policemen, and then dropped them again. Equally deliberately, he crushed them with his heel.

High-pitched, semi-maniacal laughter could be heard. Bordeaux whirled around. It was his wife.

"Now, now, my dear," she said - "my dear" rasping with unpleasant irony. "Where is your spirit of adventure. You are so tolerant."

If looks can strangle, Bordeaux strangled her at that moment.

Marie had been gazing at the scene with a strange mix of astonishment, horror, amusement, sentimentality, and happiness. She now stepped forward to intervene. She wanted no unnecessary bloodshed. They were husband and wife. She had to leave.

Seeing the look of resolution on her pale face, Bordeaux immediately turned around to hold her close to him, but she was too quick for him. She managed to slip away from him and run into the house. Bordeaux followed her hurriedly, but she slammed the door quickly and he heard the lock turn twice.

More maniacal laughter. The foremost of the many things he despised about his wife.

Turning despairingly, he let his shoulders slump down, and then, ran madly around the corner, where he began climbing up the light green drainpipe. All would have been well had not a bird of unfamiliar sight appeared from nowhere and started tugging at his sleeves and hair. Poor Bordeaux tried in vain to push it away as he tried to keep his balance. Alas! No avail! The bird would not leave. It pulled and tugged as it screeched until it succeeded in tearing off yet another wig (yes, the barber was certainly getting a pretty good boost in finances out of this man) and shredding the black suit, leaving the poor man the way he had been born (but considerably taller). He scurried off behind a bush only to find a fish-net and some hooks. he quickly made up an odd cloak and put it on, covering the three scars which ran down under his left arm to his waist. he also found a boomerang and threw it at his horrible wife and the grounds keeper who were racing towards him.
by some misfortune he misses his target and instead the boomerang crashed through one of the windows in the great mansion. a loud yelp was heard a moment after the crash of the wondow and everyone immediately hurried inside the house.
Bordeaux reached the top steps first, and came to a halt before the room with the broken window. he stared. clothes: dresses, pantyhose, and socks were flung everywhere. some papers were scttered on the floor... but that was all irrelevant as amidst the mess lay poor little Marie - unconcious yet again. the maid had a nasty gash on her forhead, and blood was drooping out, her skirt was lifted above her knees reveling shocking-hot-pink stockings. the boomerang was rigth beside her. then a rabbit jumped out of nowhere and said, "you miserable monster, Bordeaux! You've just broken a marvellous piece of porcelain, old rogue! Collector's edition!"
Bordeaux thought for a moment the rabbit was simply being poetic and calling Marie porcelain - for she did look very much like a piece of porcelain at that very moment, if a very blood-stained piece of porcelain - but then he realised that a piece of porcelain just behind Marie was indeed broken.
"What the deuce do I care about porcelain!" He groaned. "Help her someone please!"
"Help the porcelain?" asked the white rabbit curiously. "My dear fellow, are you feeling alright?"
"No, help Marie...Marie...my darling..."
A chill of cold, hard, pointed laughter - if laughter had shapes then right now it would have been an icicle.
"It's your fault, my dear husband," said the Witch.
"Someone get water! And some linen!" Bordeaux's eyes darted around the room distractedly.
"What sir?" said Gardiner. "I don't think we have..."
"Oh, never mind," scowled Bordeaux, ripping up his white shirt.
Meanwhile The white rabbit was twittering on about who was going to be held responsible and pay for his broken collector's edition porcelain princess doll, who curiously enough looked exactly like Donald Trump. Bordeaux realized that Marie was beginning to regain consiousness and also oddly, that he held a wedge of blue cheese in his hands. Throwing caution to the wind, he swept Marie into his arms and said"Have some cheese to pay for the doll, you silly Trump-loving rabbit!" He threw the cheese in the rabbit's face. He raged at his wife-witch and told her exactly how he felt about her laugh: "Your laugh is like a thorn in the side of my soul! Your mournsome howl is like butter wedged in my ears! I would rather eat dirt than ever see you again! Fine, if you must then you will see my true nature!" Suddenly all present heard the sound of madly thumnping bass, and, as he reached up to the top of his skull to pull on a zipper (he'd sat Marie down, realizing she was in the way at the last minute) what was revealed astonished everyone because you'd have thought Clarence was dead by now! He hadn't figured on living much longer than The Boss, but that had happened, and now he was continuing the legacy of fine effects. This was probably his best yet, considering his wife had never realized he was The Boss' right-hand man, in a M. Bordeaux suit. It really was quite a marvel; he would have loved to show it off to his old chief, but right now he had quite a mess to sort out. First off, he got out the sample container of stove polish always carried and gave the White Queen a blackface makeover. "There, you'll do well as a chimmny sweep!" She gaped and harrumphed, arms akimbo. Then she threw down her icicle-staff and marched off, muttering all the while about 'crazy men, think they're so funny, I'll show him . . .' Back at the Manor, Mr. Gardiner looked on while Clarence worked on fixing Marie up. Just then, Mr. Gardiner's oldest son, Tommy, the carrottop one with freckles, came in at a dead run and said breathlessly, ""Th' tower in th' distance has fallen!"
the occupant in the room scratched his beard. he knew what that meant, but what he didn't know was what to do."thank you Tommy."
"what d'ye wan' me t'do?"
"what you always do."
"what will tha' help, if ye don' mind me askin'"
"i do mind, but i would like to have some time to think,so," the occupant arose, "i will see you in a bit." and he walked out of the cottage, leaving Tommy to do what he pleased.
the occupant walked away towards the meadow where he pondered what to do, he looked at the ruins of the tower in the distance, and pondered some more, he was about to turn and head back to his home when he saw someone on the horizon. from where he was, he realized that the person couldn't possibly be anyone but the legendary serpintine spirit, Slithers.
"all men to battle stations!!!this is not a drill!!!"
Suddenly, the buidling Burst into vivid scarlet flames as the bomb exploded. "Where is that coming from?" yelled the red headed boy,"they aren't suposed to be here yet!"
"And yet we are here" said Lord Voldemort, "I appoligize for the intrusion, but I have uncovered a file. Can you give me a guess?" he crooned. "The little donkey...cute little donkey..." murmered Bordeaux. "That's right." Voldemort cut in," the cute little donkey my second in command couldn't find. I could just revoke your card, but I want to have a little fun with this. CRUCI..."
BOOM
the Dark Lord's curse was suddenly cut off by a baby who burst in singing,

"They see me mowin'
My front lawn
I know they're all thinking
I'm so White N' nerdy

Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
Can't you see I'm white n' nerdy
Look at me I'm white n' nerdy!
I wanna roll with-
The gangsters
But so far they all think
I'm too white n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
I'm just too white n' nerdy
Really, really white n' nerdy

First in my class here at M.I.T.
Got skills, I'm a Champion of DND
MC Escher that's my favorite MC
Keep your 40
I'll just have an Earl Grey tea
My rims never spin to the contrary
You'll find they're quite stationary
All of my action figures are cherry
Steven Hawkings in my library
My MySpace page is all totally pimped out
I got people begging for my top 8 spaces
Yo I know Pi to a thousand places
Ain't got no grills but I still wear braces
I order all of my sandwiches with mayonnaise
I'm a whiz at minesweeper I can play for days
Once you see my sweet moves you're gonna stay amazed,
my fingers movin' so fast I'll set the place ablaze
There's no killer app I haven't run
At Pascal, well, I'm number 1
Do vector calculus just for fun
I ain't got a gat but I gotta soldering gun
Happy days is my favourite theme song
I can sure kick your butt in a game of ping pong
I'll ace any trivia quiz you bring on
I'm fluent in Java Script as well as Klingon
Here's the part I sing on

They see me roll on, my Segway!
I know in my heart they think I'm
white n' nerdy!
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
Can't you see I'm white n' nerdy
Look at me I'm white n' nerdy
I'd like to roll with-
The gangsters
Although it's apparent I'm too
White n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
I'm just too white n' nerdy
How'd I get so white n' nerdy?

I've been browsing, inspectin'
X-men comics you know I collect 'em
The pens in my pocket
I must protect 'em
my ergonomic keyboard never leaves me bored
Shopping online for deals on some writable media
I edit Wikipedia
I memorized Holy Grail really well
I can recite it right now and have you ROTFLOL
I got a business doing websites
When my friends need some code who do they call?
I do HTML for them all
Even made a homepage for my dog!
Yo! Got myself a fanny pack
they were having a sale down at the GAP
Spend my nights with a roll of bubble wrap
POP POP! Hope no one sees me gettin' freaky!

I'm nerdy in the extreme and whiter than sour creme
I was in AV club and Glee club and even the chess team!
Only question I ever thought was hard
Was do I like Kirk or do I like Picard?
I spend every weekend
at the renaissance fair
I got my name on my under wear!

They see me strollin'
They laughin'
And rollin' their eyes 'cause
I'm so white n' nerdy
Just because I'm white n' nerdy
Just because I'm white n' nerdy
All because I'm white n' nerdy
Holy cow I'm white n' nerdy
I wanna bowl with-
the gangsters
but oh well it's obvious I'm
white n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
I'm just too white n' nerdy
Look at me I'm white n' nerdy!"


as the baby sang voldemort grew weaker and weaker untill his reserve powers kicked in twelve fold.
The newly revived being straightened its crumpled body until it stood full hight and said, "I really should thank you, Alzar, for endowing me with your godly powers, but the time has come for your ending." The 'baby' turned around and kicked Jekan in the good ol' family jewels for mistaking him for a baby. He then turns to the Dark Lord,
"They have no respect for anything magical nowadays. I mean SHEESH my beard gets itchy so I shave it off and look what happens; I get called a baby."
"I know what you mean. I used to have great hair until the Michael Jackson trial hit; I had to shave my head to stop people from throwing rocks at me."
"Really now? Wow I never realized that we had so much in common."
"Yeah lets stop fighting. Truce?"
"Truce."
Alzar and Voldemort leave via a convenient hole in the wall, leaving the remaining occupants to piece their brains back together. The green flash of light and the smallest of thuds told the occupants that the friendships heart had only beat once before fading. They knew that The Dark Lord's new form was unstoppable. at that moment, eragon came and used the ancient language ("WAS HIEL!!!") to heal everyone right before their hearts stopped. everyone got up and stared at him, when he said, "i am eragon shadeslayer. i have come to defeat voldemort and his ally alzar, and jekan, crystal, railen, kriana, luna and blake are here to help me. show your true forms so you can help me." they showed their true form. they were human-animal hybrids! railen and luna were human-wolf hybrids, crystal and blake were human-dragon, and kirana and jekan were human-fox. they slashed at the wall and to their surprise, it opened up to a portal. they stepped in and wounded up in the most peculiar looking place. It really was so bizzare, like walking into a dream, the dream of a dreamer or a mad man. A large field of strawberries, with a sky that was not quite orange, yet nor was it pink.
The gang strayed from one another, drifting and wondering; dazed at the psychotic beauty of it all.
Strolling through the red and green fields, crystal spotted a dark figure lay down on the hill in the distance. Curious as to what this thing, being, creature may have been, she sprinted over to it.
There on the ground was a girl, covered in crimson red blood; it appeared as though she was sleeping, and the stains were merely strawberry.
Froze in horror, Crystal remained there for a long while, until Jekan finally ran over to see what had caught her attention.
"Oh my God, it's...its...its..." sudennly the girl jumped into the air and did a triple flip and landed... it wasnt a girl... it was, "the ZHOHAN!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?"
voldemort screamed in horror
the zohan said, "DISCO DISCO!!!" and lord voldemort suddenly burst into dance.
eragon said "this is getting completely ridiculous now; what a waste of time. I'm out."
And so Eragorn strolled off into the distance alone, over the hills, and out of sight. Maybe they would see him again, maybe not.
All of a sudden, an entrancing, mellifluous sound came out of nowhere, and everybody began to dance; picking and eating strawberries as they went. Of course, the music didn't sound the same to everyone; what they heard was personal to them, responding to the beat of their hearts.
Along the lane strolled a lady, carrying a basket of muffins - strawberry ones, of course. She stopped, slightly bemused, and smiled at the sight of it all.
"Lady W!" cried jekan, he ran to her and Beamed the most boyish grin she'd ever seen, took one of the muffins, and with a full mouth, said "Wow, these are great. Did you make them yourself?"
"I did", she smiled; "It's great to see you; I've not seen you in such a long long time!"
He wolfed down the muffin and replied "i love muffins!" though only she knew that they were random speach/mind control muffins.
"piepiepiepiepiepiepiepiepiepiepiepiepiepiepiepiep iepiepiepiepieppiepiepiepie
piepiepiepiepiepiepiepiepiepiepiepiepiepiepiepiepi epiepiepiepiepiepiepiepiepiepiepiepie!"
ladyw smiled evily and watched him for amusement.
Jekan began to struggle, he looked desperate. His eyes watered, and his face grew flustered, almost as though he was trying to tell her something.
"Jekan?...Jekan? What's wrong?"
"I-I..III--cgh,gh...I.." he stuttered, panting and panicking as if he was running out of time.
The team approached.
Lady W Did all she could, but alas, all was in vain and Jekan died a terrible, slow death.

Not really. Here's what really happened.

Just as the team got close enough to see Jekan clearly he disappeared, and in his spot, Dobby appeared and, with his mighty broad-sword, Gilbert, in hand rose slay them all. But then zohan fired a missile at dobby who flew through the air and...

[kingoflombards]

...and landed on his feet.
"Brother! Come to my aid!" he squealed.
Suddenly Yoda flips through the door and examines the contents of the room; a snake spirit, a dead midget, Voldemort, Dobby, Zohan, Tommy, Mr. Gardiner, Marie, Clarence, and a small army of mutant Lit-Net people.
All is silent.
He looks at them.
They look at him.
.................................................. .................................................. .
Three hours later, all of those involved in the battle, except Alzar who died and Eragon who left, where sitting down to have some drinks and talk about life with their friends. in the middle of their party, they remember what they were there for... free food! But all is not well up in the manor; you know with the White Witch and the sort. Thus starts the epic quest to raid the pantry.

[jekan blazer]

(geez, this ids getting rediculously funny...)




...on the quest, they picked up a videotape with no markings on it.
they preceeded to watch it and it was the tape from the movie the ring!!! when it was over the phony immediatly rang 7 times, untill the automatic answering machine kicked in. a raspy voice said...

[kingoflombards]

.."you actually thought you would get the same old,'your gonna die in seven days' deal right? But lets get straight to the point. I'm bored with that line, so I'll let you off with a warning."


The whole crew sits there in disbelief over the whole thing and decide to forget what they just saw. Saw. speaking of which they popped in another movie, but alas no popcron and no movie. They would have to push forward anyway.

[jekan blazer]

the team looked everywhere for the popcorn + movie they wanted to watch. when they looked under the bed an army of killer dust bunnies...

[kingoflombards]

Under the command of the vindictive King of Lombards, Galzraa. he lead forth the swarm saying, "HAHA I have taken Orville Redden Boker! No popcorn for you!"

[jekan blazer]

but there was... it was ACT II BUTTER LOVER'S brand popcorn... the killer dust bunnies killed galzraa, and...

[kingoflombards]

...Rebuilt him twice as strong like they were programmed. The Redden Boker is MINE!

[kingoflombards]

As Galzraa escapes, the team remembered that they were on an epic quest to raid the pantry, not the movie store. So they marched on up to the front door of the mansion....

[Beautifull]

three deathly pale,yet ethereally beautiful people jumped from where they sat around a fire. The only man of the group stepped in between them into no man's land, for the creatures he was looking at, though they were beautiful, they looked to turn violent any minute. The two groups eyed each other, until Jekan asked, "Who are you?"
"I might ask you the same, considering you just appeared in the middle of my home." The only male of the other group spoke up, hiding the beautiful woman and equally beautiful girl who looked like she was twelve,yet her eyes seemed to say she was twenty or older.
"Oh." Jekan looked around at the small, cozy room and realized it could only only be a house. her gaze returned to the what-must-be family. "Sorry, we just walked through a portal, and it brought us here. I'm Jekan, and these are my friends, they won't hurt you." she said, clearly recognizing the protective stance the surprisingly young man took.
The young man looked at the woman who had came up behind him and touched his shoulder. Her hair was a shining mass of chocolate brown that waved down to her waist. "Why didn't you just...use your..." she tapped her forehead.
The man looked sheepish for a minute, but his stance immediately relaxed and he smiled down at the woman. "Sorry," he said, looking back at Jekan. "I tend to act without thinking when it comes to my family. I am Edward Cullen. this is my wife, Bella, and our daughter."
Suddenly, a knock sounded at the door, drawing everyone's attention to it......

[Beautifull]

three deathly pale,yet ethereally beautiful people jumped from where they sat around a fire. The only man of the group stepped in between them into no man's land, for the creatures he was looking at, though they were beautiful, they looked to turn violent any minute. The two groups eyed each other, until Jekan asked, "Who are you?"
"I might ask you the same, considering you just appeared in the middle of my home." The only male of the other group spoke up, hiding the beautiful woman and equally beautiful girl who looked like she was twelve,yet her eyes seemed to say she was twenty or older.
"Oh." Jekan looked around at the small, cozy room and realized it could only only be a house. her gaze returned to the what-must-be family. "Sorry, we just walked through a portal, and it brought us here. I'm Jekan, and these are my friends, they won't hurt you." she said, clearly recognizing the protective stance the surprisingly young man took.
The young man looked at the woman who had came up behind him and touched his shoulder. Her hair was a shining mass of chocolate brown that waved down to her waist. "Why didn't you just...use your..." she tapped her forehead.
The man looked sheepish for a minute, but his stance immediately relaxed and he smiled down at the woman. "Sorry," he said, looking back at Jekan. "I tend to act without thinking when it comes to my family. I am Edward Cullen. this is my wife, Bella, and our daughter."
Suddenly, a knock sounded at the door, drawing everyone's attention to it......

whoops, kind of late!!

[kingoflombards]

Fine ruin the story with lateness would you! (Just kidding it's fine )