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Thread: For my dad, please help me improve this!

  1. #1
    Manny2
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    For my dad, please help me improve this!

    Happy Birthday Dad.

    I will always be your little girl,
    from the times we went fishing,
    up to the moments we argue.

    The bond between a father and daughter,
    and the memories we have shared,
    will never be broken.

    Although I am getting older,
    and the times we see each other may be few,
    I will always seee myself as daddy's little girl.

    Happy Birthday,
    Love always your daughter.


    This poem is going to go on a picture frame next to a picture of me and my dad, so i need help making this perfect! please help!
    Last edited by manny2; 11-04-2008 at 03:08 AM.
    "You may win some, you may lose some, but you'll never be there again"

  2. #2
    Registered User quasimodo1's Avatar
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    to manny2: You don't have to improve this poem alot; "the distance between us seems far" would be my only mention. Of course you could try to make it more "classicly poetic" but as it stands...its sincere and concise. Your father will appreciate this. If you insist on more project, I'd be willing to help. q1

  3. #3
    Manny2
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    i agree, something in the third stanza needs to change, i dont really like how it is put together

    does this sound better:

    Although I am getting older,
    and the times we see each other may be few,
    I will always seee myself as daddy's little girl.
    "You may win some, you may lose some, but you'll never be there again"

  4. #4
    Registered User quasimodo1's Avatar
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    It does sound better. I get the feeling you are under a deadline. You have allready decided, if you know it or not, to opt for free verse. This is fine and I think you might have been staring at it perhaps too long. If you have the time, get a rest and look at it again in the morning. That's always the best time for evaluation. If you don't have time, and need ideas in a hurry...go to www.poetryfoundation.org where you can search by theme, by type, all kinds of ideas there if you poke around a little. If you want to continue...contact me by private message and check the box for send-message whether you are on my friend list or not (under the dialog box, in small print)/

  5. #5
    Manny2
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    it says you do not except private messages from people you arent friends with, his birthday isnt until December, it just has to be short and sweet due to space issues on the frame, thanks for helping me : )
    "You may win some, you may lose some, but you'll never be there again"

  6. #6
    Registered User quasimodo1's Avatar
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    ok then. Sincerety is all in this kind of poem.

  7. #7
    Ruadh gu brath ampoule's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by manny2 View Post
    it says you do not except private messages from people you arent friends with,
    I know, I tried to send him a message once, to no avail.
    I'm in love with The Vinegar Man and Mr. Tanner, but be careful, it could just as easily be you.

    "If you're going to write you better have somewhere to come from." Flannery O'Connor

  8. #8
    Manny2
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    updated version:

    Happy Birthday Dad.

    I will always be your little girl,
    from the times we went fishing,
    up to the moments we argue.

    The bond between this father and daughter,
    and all the memories we have shared,
    will never be broken.

    Although I am getting older,
    and the times we see each other may be few,
    I will always see myself as daddy's little girl.

    Happy Birthday Dad,
    Love always, your daughter.


    im going to order it tonight so last chance to help me out!
    "You may win some, you may lose some, but you'll never be there again"

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