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First Short story i wrote 3 years ago , haven't wrote any short stories since. Kind of Lengthly. Critique would be nice!
A soldier coming out of the Vietnam War, James Ashman had engaged in many battles. Badges and certificates were stashed around the infrastructure of his house from the rigged walls to the stylistic furniture. Ever since the war he’s been experiencing a beating from the hands of midlife crisis. On a daily basis he attempts to keep himself occupied from the tedious atmosphere, although most of the attempts fail and he’s left with his motionless arms and an oblivious head.
“Maybe I should go watch the baseball game today,” as he murmured picking up his filthy sneakers. He places them on his feet where his ripped socks where exposing his rusty toenails.
He walked outside and felt a nice breeze pressing against his skin that got his blood flowing enough for him to be eager to visit a certain entertaining event. “Baseball it is,” he said as his ‘67 Ford, which had tires the size of a basketball with one broken window in the backseat, approached him. “Gotta get rid of this piece of crap someday,” he said while turning on the engine. Approaching the stadium of Oakland where he planed to spend the rest of his day, he prepared himself by visiting the food stand by the game so he didn’t have to worry about hunger while watching. As he walked towards the stand he could see a very dark figure from the corner of his eye, and he assumed it was a shadow, but for some reason his eyes didn’t leave the corner. He took a quick glance just so his eyes could stop wrestling his head and then he saw this all-dark figure standing upon him. He blinked multiple times thinking he was just seeing things. He started rubbing his eyes and shaking his head forcing himself to believe it was nothing. He looked up; the dark figure was not there anymore.
Heading home from the game, disappointed that his day didn’t turn out the way he’d preferred because the Oakland A’s had usually, and still been getting stabbed from the knife of defeat. James walks instead into the restroom, changes to his bedtime clothes and slips into bed thinking how tomorrow would turn out.
As he arose the next morning, a slight couch grasped his tonsils. “The cold better not be kicking in this early.” James has had a history for a week immune system. Ever since a disease hit from the Vietnam War this issue had been in effect. He kicked off the blanket, brushed his teeth, took a shower, and finally put on some clothes and started reading the morning newspaper. It was then he saw the dark figure again standing by his store with no color to its features at all, just plain dark.
Immediately, James rubbed his eyes and shook his head in an effort to eradicate the thought. He looked up, and it was gone. God damm, looks like the war touched the core of my head, better get some help before I’m seeing a dog watching a rainbow. He stashed the newspaper in the corner of the kitchen, stood up ad had a good stretch then approached the car. He drove to the nearest psychiatrist’s place. He entered the building just to see a line that would perhaps use up five lifetimes. “Excuse me sir, I’d like to see psychiatrist as soon as possible,” the worker replied. “Well sir, if you look around you, soon as possible would be considered late in this case.”
James quickly retorted, “Even late for the ones willing to get in early at any cost?” he slipped a twenty towards him.
The man’s greed for money lead him to say, “Come right this way sir.” The man told him to relax on sofa while the psychiatrist is getting ready in the other room.
Thoughts were flying that who was this dark figure? What was this dark figure? Why is this dark figure in my eyes? He heard a door squeak, he raised his eyes to see what it was feeling his adrenaline pump and his blood dropped dead, but only to see it was the psychiatrist that was walking through the door. “Damm, this figure got the grip of the salt in my body too.”
“What was that Mr. Ashman?” she responded to his murmuring.
He took a quick glance at her. Susan Rockwell, the psychiatrist, was thirty years old with cheeks that stayed stiff on her face with perky lips, and her eyes were colored blue and exquisitely stuck out. She was enthralling overall. “Oh nothing Mrs. Rockwell,” reading her name from the sticker that said it, sticking just above her right breast.
“Okay, Mr. Ashman, we will be asking you some questions and if you feel they’re too personal for this matter, just say so.”
First, “What is your problem Mr. Ashman?”
“Well, Mrs. Rockwell, as spooky or crazy as it sounds, I’m seeing this all colored dark figure every now and then. Well, not really now and then, but I seen it at the baseball game ‘till I shook it off my head. Then again this morning, which drove me to this place.”
Mrs. Rockwell replied, “Have you been sleeping normally? Are you under the influence of any pills Mr. Ashman?”
“Yes I’ve been sleeping well, and, no, I have not been taking any pills Mrs. Rockwell,” he replied while starting at the ceiling, feeling that he was on the verge of being shipped to a mental hospital and that this visit was a mistake.
“Are you active in your life Mr. Ashman?”
Now, this question had his brain chasing for a nice answer. There was no nice answer, he would have to be straightforward with her and just spill it.
“No, I’m not Mrs. Rockwell, ever since the war, I’ve just been out of it. I feel like my life is over and isn’t much there to do anymore but just wait for the finish line in the race.”
“This is common Mr. Ashman. Many people experience this after a certain horrific occasion. These dark figures you speak of could just be a mere reflection on the things you had seen in your stay at Vietnam,” she replied. “Your issue shouldn’t been acknowledged tensely, because it is not that big of a deal, No matter how you see it, Mr. Ashman. I’m going to prescribe you some pills which you should be taking two every night before bed. Eventually, you will be normal within 3-4 weeks.”
“Thanks Mrs. Rockwell, and he left her office, approaching his car. He drove the car into his garage, and stepped out. He went to check the mail and gave a quick glance at his front door and porch and then he saw the black figure once more. He hesitated, but didn’t want to rub his eyes or shake his head this time. He was just glaring at this all dark figure. The figure approached him and he did not movie, and it wasn’t because he was shocked, just eager to receive answers.
The figure spoke, “Hi, I’m Opaque, and would just like to tell you that I’m not an illusion.” The figure observed his face browsing for a satisfaction, and just turned around and started walking away. James didn’t know what to do. He knew what he wanted and it was answers, so there was one thing he could do. He ran up to the figure and started questioning him.
“Wait!”
The figure spoke, “Yes, James?”
“Who are you? What are you? Why am I only able to see you?”
James also realized the figure called him by his name.
“How do you know my name?”
“The truth is, James, that even I don’t know who I am, what I am, and why that it is you’re only able to see me. I’ve stuck around you, because only you were able to see me, and no other human was able to. I felt you could assist me in my questions, but…it seems you don’t know the answers.” He finished with a sad expression.
“I’m willing to help,” James replied.
“Ha! Are you serious, James?”
“Why of course I am. My life has recently been very tedious. I think its because there’s so many war toxins traveling in my nerves that the meaning of live itself has shattered. For some reason, I find this the answer to escape this cave of monotony. I just have one question before we start.”
“Yes what is it James?” Opaque replied.
“What’s our lead? Where do we go?”
Opaque gave a heavy sigh, then after seconds passing, he replied, “Oh! I have this abbreviated on my back.”
“Let me take a look at it,” James replied. The abbreviation was CO.
“Any clue what the CO stands for? Opaque said.
“Not really, we can type it on the Internet and try to find out.”
James was then headed home with Opaque. He was driving while he perceived what was happening. He felt as though he has became mentally ill and should just drive to the hospital right now for treatment. On the other hand, he knew this was reality and what just happened, and still is happening, is all-real. Opaque sensed his hesitation and engaged with a smooth tone speaking.
“You know one clue might lead to another…and this could end up being a journey. You know that, right James?”
James though for a quick minute, then replied, “Yes, Opaque. I have just now been aware of this and I fully accept it as well.”
“Opaque gave a slight gesture that expressed gratitude and finished by saying, “Well James, let us begin.”
They entered James house, and quickly logged on to the Internet and typed in CO to a general search engine. Seconds passed as they were waiting for their results. Only one result popped up, and it was a very unusual one. It was called “Intricatehardships.com.” James clicked on it and a box popped up asking for a name. James typed in his name and an address followed. The address was 1140 Salanary 4th Street. James and Opaque took no time to even exchange glances to hopes to find the answer, because for all they know they could be receiving the wrong lead.
James started the car immediately and rushed down the street and made a right then the next 2 lefts. He headed down the freeway while the wind was pushing at his face with force. James didn’t mind the force, because his head was distracted by the previous feelings he had had. He just kept driving and had one primary objective, which was to reach the address and find out what has been happening to him, or why Opaque exists. He exited the freeway and went down to what had hooked like a neighborhood filled with swans. He stepped out of the vehicle along with Opaque, and then they approached a small warehouse about two times smaller then his house.
“What should we do if anyone asks why were in here?” Opaque said. “We’ll just say we came to the wrong place on our way to meet up with someone.”
Ahh, nice thinking Mr. Ashman.”
James found it mysterious how the door was just unlocked. As he opened it, the figure followed. The room was dark and barley anything could be seen. Opaque yelled. “Is anyone there?!?!”
At first, James found it a bit preposterous randomly yelling at a place he wasn’t familiar with, but realized his desperation for the truth must be relieved.
“Hello!! is there anyone here!?!?!”
The room lit up. It was empty, there was nothing at sight. What was very unnatural about this room was that it was lit up, but there didn’t seem to be a sight of light anywhere. A very solid voice spoke out of nowhere.
“Opaque, your friend is not venerable…you must come to me!!”
Chains came through the walls and grabbed Opaque by each of his limbs. James quickly brought out his sharp pocketknife and struck each of the chains with heavy force. The chain ripped off and another chain came through the walls after him. The dark figure grabbed the chains before it reached him and tossed it far.
“Oh my! What’s happening? We should leave this instant!” Opaque said.
“NO! Not now!” James yelled back. “He called you by your name! How is it that he knows your name?”
More chains were coming at James, and he would just strike them with his pocketknife one after another. James became fatigued after a while just slicing through the chains and finally fell on his knees. That was when twenty chains came from the front and James was eyeing the hands of death. He closed his eyes, thinking for a second about what had happened…and about to happen. He felt no effect yet. He was thinking the chains would’ve pierced his body by now. He opened his eyes and they widened by what he was witnessing. The chains were at a sudden stop, about two centimeters away from him, and the voice spoken once more.
“You are a very determined man Mr. Ashman.”
After the words were spoken, a paper was flying from above. The paper slowly flew down shifting directions due to the air pressure, but finally reached ground. James walked up to it and picked it up. The paper showed another address. It had two letters in front saying UR. James flipped it around and was viewing the back. The back had another address. The address was 2330 Mellow 9th Street. Opaque was still flabbergasted from what had just happened, stood there and shook. James passed him and said, “Feel no fear, we have another clue…shall we proceed?” Opaque gave him a nod, and they went back to the car. “We’ll be better prepared this time,” James started. “I know this weapon store, I’ll be armed so you don’t need to worry about protection.”
“Make sure you get two guns, Mr. Ashman,” Opaque replied.
“You sure about this Opaque?” James responded.
“More than sure, thank you.”
They drove up to the weapon store. James entered, flashed up his license and asked for two 9mm’s. “That’ll be seventy-five dollars boss.” No problem, here it is.” James paid him and headed out.
James went in the car and handed one of the guns to Opaque. “Now you be careful how you use that Opaque.”
“Sure partner, you be careful as well,” Opaque replied.
“Well then, let’s go!”
They headed down the road, made a left turn and continued to their destination for an approximate 15 minute ride. The car drove up to a very old house. The house had broken windows with a doorknob hanging off like it’s been hanged for letting in all the dirty residence. Opaque and James stepped out the car and looked at each other then proceeded towards the house cautiously. Opaque gave him the signal that expressed he was going to open the door. James ignored the signal and kicked the door with such force the door flew back about ten inches.
“Hey!” Opaque yelled.
“Shh! Whoever is here will hear us!” James quickly responded.
“I’m pretty sure they heard all the sound they needed Mr. Ashman,” Opaque said softly. They were walking slowly looking around. They searched the halls, kitchen and the two rooms. They both shrugged and had their eyes towards the stairs. So, after giving each other eye contact, they went upstairs. There were three rooms. James entered the one nearest to him and there was a letter on the ground. The letter said…
Hi Ashman- get this straight
…If you wish to take another step
Then you should flip this page
…but I don’t know what else is under it
James, who was in such a rush to see what was written under it ignored the slight warning. He flipped the page gently and another address followed…1642 Brooks 18th street with the letters AG. Opaque heard the grounds shake. He warned James, and they both made a run for it. They came to the front door, but it was locked tight. Next to it, there was a device just above the door with 5:45 ticking down. All windows were unbreakable by humans so the stream of hesitation rose through their spines and sweat started to form. James told Opaque to relax. James went to the doorknob and broke it. He then dissected his firearm in search of the gunpowder. As soon as he was able to locate the gunpowder, he emptied it into his hand. This whole process was taking up 3 minutes and it was 2:35 on the clock. The house was still slightly shaking and trying to feed them fear. It became a failing attempt now, because James had already formulated a plan. James was struggling to get more gunpowder, because his hands were slippery from the sweat. Seconds later, he finally accumulated enough for his plan to enable. He inserted the gunpowder into the doorknob. He looked up at the clock and was astonished. There was about 34 seconds left!
“Okay, take then steps back Opaque!” he spoke while bringing out a lighter.
“I hope his plan succeeds James!” Opaque yelled back taking steps back.
“I hope so too,” James replied thinking what if the lighter missed the target? It would all be over, but then a flashback on how clever he was with grenade sparked in his head. He gained all confidence and was ready to launch the lighter towards the doorknob. His arms rose back and gave a nice soft throw with speed that touched the interior of the broken doorknob and there was a light explosion.
“Oh my God, James, you did it!” Opaque said happily.
“Thank me later! We must go we only have 10 seconds!”
He quickly rushed out the front door and the house really started shaking now. A ledge fell from above, and James on the verge of receiving a big blow. Opaque quickly pushed him and took the hit.
“Oh ****!” James said.
Struggling to talk Opaque spoke, “James you must go on, there’s only about seven seconds left my friend.”
“You’ll die here! The whole plan dies with it, and I’m not going to abide by that! James yelled while pushing the ledge off.
He picked up Opaque, and placed him on his shoulder. While making the run towards the car an explosion followed such and impact it threw off James footing and he fell along with Opaque unconscious. Seconds later, his eyes opened and he looked to his left and saw Opaque lying there out cold. He grabbed him and ran to the car. He drove as quickly as possible away from that place. Opaque slowly regaining consciousness, opens his eyes. He looked back and saw the storm of black oxygen invading the air.
“Oh my! We should call for help!”
“No! We can’t, no one would believe me. Think about it Opaque.”
“I suppose you’re right. Then what shall we do?”
“We will do what there is left to do,” James said.
“And what would that be Mr. Ashman?” Opaque replied.
“Get to where the address is.”
Their car pulled up to a fairly sized house. It looked nice and clean from the outside. The paint looked fresh and the windows looked as if they were just wiped. They came up in front of the door and on the door it was carved The Final Test. James wondered if that was directed towards them, he rang the doorbell 3 times. Nobody answered. He figured he might have to kick the door open again, he was in the stance. Opaque foresaw this and quickly stopped him.
“Wait!”
“Look Opaque, I know your going to tell me to stop…but this is the only way” James replied.
“No, I was just saying, maybe the door is ALREADY open?” Opaque countered.
“Hmmm, well….lets take a look then.” James turned the knob and surprisingly the door was open.
“Ha! Nice thinking done there, Opaque!” James said happily.
They both went inside. There was an arrow on the ground pointing right then left then left again. Following the arrow it led them to a dark hallway.
“Now what?” James spoke.
The house started slightly shaking and had James and Opaque’s adrenaline pumped. It shook for about 3 seconds and then stopped. Sharp thick rots came from under the ground and grabbed Opaque’s feet. Then more foots came from underneath the ground to grab his arms and chest.
“James! Help!” Opaque cried. James quickly brought out his pocket knife, but this time it were no use to those stiff thick roots. He made several attempts, but all seemed to fail. A voice suddenly spoke.
“James, there’s a button at the end of the hall that’ll release all the roots, but your life will be taken away,” the cryptic voice spoke.
“Who the hell are you! Why are you dong this?” James replied, and quickly realized he should take whatever chances he had before the roots swallowed Opaque. He ran to the end of the hall and the voice came back.
“Wait James, are you really willing to do this? Give up your life for a person not even seen by anyone? Unheard of across the globe…existence not identified by a soul…are you really willing?” the voice said.
“Of course I am, because he is my best and we’ve been through a hell of a lot for the lsat 24 hours and besides…I;m not going to stand here knowing he’ll suffer while I can live,” James countered.
“Ahh, James…Your one of a kind,” and the voice stopped speaking. James ushed the button while closing his eyes hard getting ready to end his life while Opaque was beseeching him to reconsider. James pushed it lightly while his eyes closed. The roots slowly went back underground and light appeared in the hallway. James was still standing.
“Oh my god!, we lived James, even you!” Opaque said happily.
“Wow, what a relief” James replied.
“Yeah isn’t it?” the mysterious voice spoke once again.
“Okay, listen up guy, I don’t know who you are but could you just give me an explanation for all this?”
“Why certainly Jams, it’s simple really. I’m God, and I decided to test your courage. I was also hinting you on your guide. Combine those letters I gave you,” said God.
James shuffled through his pockets and brought out the letters and put them together. It spelled courage.
“Do you see now James?, I figured you’d guess the last letter but seems after the house shook you forgot about it.”
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