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Thread: White Maiden

  1. #1
    Tia_Pixie Tia_Pixie's Avatar
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    Talking White Maiden !!UPDATED!!

    White Maiden in The Rain


    White Maiden in the rain
    Her unseeing eyes wide.
    She isn't dead yet but
    She's dead inside.

    Open in her stupor
    Her reddened lips parted.
    No tears on her cheeks
    For her Dearly Dead Departed.

    Streaming down her face,
    Nor glist'ning on her chin.
    She isn't dead yet but
    She's dead within.

    White maiden in the rain,
    Her mem'ries in her eyes.
    Dearly Dead Departed
    Watches sadly as she dies.

    Forever Friend is crying,
    Holds White Maiden in her arms.
    Her pale body cold and limp,
    As the storm inside her calms.

    In awful, deathly contrast
    The blood screams from her veins.
    To the ghostly pale skin
    Which no longer feels the rain.

    She was cold and unforgiving
    When they told her he was dead.
    Now her lips hold in a kiss
    As they fade to blue from red.

    They’d have spent their lives together,
    If they’d ever had the chance
    Now they’ll spend their deaths together
    In one last eternal dance.
    Last edited by Tia_Pixie; 09-08-2008 at 01:55 PM.
    Smile, like you've got nothing to prove. No matter what you might do, there's always someone cooler than you...

    Tia Pixie

  2. #2
    All are at the crossroads qimissung's Avatar
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    It reminds me of Ophelia in 'Hamlet" or one of those girls in medieval times who languished when their love died. I like it a lot...you captured the melancholy mood perfectly.
    "The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its' own reason for existing." ~ Albert Einstein
    "Remember, no matter where you go, there you are." Buckaroo Bonzai
    "Some people say I done alright for a girl." Melanie Safka

  3. #3
    The Poetic Warrior Dark Muse's Avatar
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    This made me think of Snow White, it was beautiful, and very sad.

    Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before. ~ Edgar Allan Poe

  4. #4
    Registered User paperleaves's Avatar
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    "She isn't dead yet but
    She's dead within.
    "

    that is exactly how I feel.
    this is beautifully captured, thank you for sharing
    "real
    loneliness
    is not
    necessarily
    limited to
    when
    you are
    alone
    "
    -C. Bukowski

  5. #5
    Tia_Pixie Tia_Pixie's Avatar
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    yay! feedback. Thanks for replying people, I was worried no one would.

    I was going to post this as a separate thread but then I read the rules for this forum and realised I really shouldn't. Anyway, I wrote a sort of sequel poem in that it's the same subjects but a different rythym. So I'm going to go back and edit the first post and stick it on the end of that.
    Smile, like you've got nothing to prove. No matter what you might do, there's always someone cooler than you...

    Tia Pixie

  6. #6
    Something's gotta give PrinceMyshkin's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by paperleaves View Post
    "She isn't dead yet but
    She's dead within.
    "

    that is exactly how I feel.
    this is beautifully captured, thank you for sharing
    You may feel that way, kiddo (please forgive the condescension!) but take it from me and probably a whole lot of others here, you're plenty not dead inside, outside, as far as your arms can reach - and beyond!

  7. #7
    Something's gotta give PrinceMyshkin's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tia_Pixie View Post
    yay! feedback. Thanks for replying people, I was worried no one would.

    I was going to post this as a separate thread but then I read the rules for this forum and realised I really shouldn't. Anyway, I wrote a sort of sequel poem in that it's the same subjects but a different rythym. So I'm going to go back and edit the first post and stick it on the end of that.
    This is SUCH a good poem in the gothic mode but may I suggest that the "extra" bit is not SO extra but might better replace the original last verse?

  8. #8
    Tia_Pixie Tia_Pixie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PrinceMyshkin View Post
    This is SUCH a good poem in the gothic mode but may I suggest that the "extra" bit is not SO extra but might better replace the original last verse?

    Wow, thanks! I wasn't really expecting such good responses. Yeah, I did consider that I should leave the last verse until the end of the 'extra' bit or just leave it out completely? My concern was that because of the difference in rythym it might seem a bit wierd. Thanks though, I think I might go back and chnage it to that.
    Smile, like you've got nothing to prove. No matter what you might do, there's always someone cooler than you...

    Tia Pixie

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