But suddenly she lifted her head again swiftly, like a thing that tries to get free. She wanted to be free of it. It was not him so much, but it, something she had put on herself, that bound her so horribly. And having put the bond on herself, it was hardest to take it off. But now she hated everything and felt destructive. He stood with his back to the door, fixed, as if he would oppose her eternally, till she was extinguished. She looked at him. Her eyes were cold and hostile. His workman's hands spread on the panels of the door behind him.
"You know I used to live here?" she began, in a hard voice, as if wilfully to wound him. He braced himself against her, and nodded.
"Well, I was companion to Miss Birch of Torril Hall--she and the rector were friends, and Archie was the rector's son." There was a pause. He listened without knowing what was happening. He stared at his wife. She was squatted in her white dress on the bed, carefully folding and re-folding the hem of her skirt. Her voice was full of hostility.
"He was an officer--a sub-lieutenant--then he quarrelled with his colonel and came out of the army. At any rate"--she plucked at her skirt hem, her husband stood motionless, watching her movements which filled his veins with madness--"he was awfully fond of me, and I was of him--awfully."
"How old was he?" asked the husband.
"When--when I first knew him? Or when he went away?--"
"When you first knew him."
"When I first knew him, he was twenty-six--now--he's thirty-one-- nearly thirty-two--because I'm twenty-nine, and he is nearly three years older--"
She lifted her head and looked at the opposite wall.
"And what then?" said her husband.
She hardened herself, and said callously:
"We were as good as engaged for nearly a year, though nobody knew-- at least--they talked--but--it wasn't open. Then he went away--"
"He chucked you?" said the husband brutally, wanting to hurt her into contact with himself. Her heart rose wildly with rage. Then "Yes", she said, to anger him. He shifted from one foot to the other, giving a "Ph!" of rage. There was silence for a time.
"Then," she resumed, her pain giving a mocking note to her words, "he suddenly went out to fight in Africa, and almost the very day I first met you, I heard from Miss Birch he'd got sunstroke--and two months after, that he was dead--"
"That was before you took on with me?" said the husband.
There was no answer. Neither spoke for a time. He had not understood. His eyes were contracted uglily.
"So you've been looking at your old courting places!" he said. "That was what you wanted to go out by yourself for this morning."
Still she did not answer him anything. He went away from the door to the window. He stood with his hands behind him, his back to her. She looked at him. His hands seemed gross to her, the back of his head paltry.
At length, almost against his will, he turned round, asking:
"How long were you carrying on with him?"
"What do you mean?" she replied coldly.
"I mean how long were you carrying on with him?"
She lifted her head, averting her face from him. She refused to answer. Then she said:
"I don't know what you mean, by carrying on. I loved him from the first days I met him--two months after I went to stay with Miss Birch."
"And do you reckon he loved you?" he jeered.
"I know he did."
"How do you know, if he'd have no more to do with you?"
There was a long silence of hate and suffering.
"And how far did it go between you?" he asked at length, in a frightened, stiff voice.
"I hate your not-straightforward questions," she cried, beside herself with his baiting. "We loved each other, and we were lovers--we were. I don't care what you think: what have you got to do with it? We were lovers before ever I knew you--"
"Lovers--lovers," he said, white with fury. "You mean you had your fling with an army man, and then came to me to marry you when you'd done--"
She sat swallowing her bitterness. There was a long pause.
"Do you mean to say you used to go--the whole hogger?" he asked, still incredulous.
"Why, what else do you think I mean?" she cried brutally.
He shrank, and became white, impersonal. There was a long, paralysed silence. He seemed to have gone small.
"You never thought to tell me all this before I married you," he said, with bitter irony, at last.
"You never asked me," she replied.
"I never thought there was any need."
"Well, then, you should think."
He stood with expressionless, almost childlike set face, revolving many thoughts, whilst his heart was mad with anguish.
Suddenly she added:
"And I saw him today," she said. "He is not dead, he's mad."
Her husband looked at her, startled.
"Mad!' he said involuntarily.
"A lunatic," she said. It almost cost her her reason to utter the word. There was a pause.
"Did he know you?" asked the husband in a small voice.
"No," she said.
He stood and looked at her. At last he had learned the width of the breach between them. She still squatted on the bed. He could not go near her. It would be violation to each of them to be brought into contact with the other. The thing must work itself out. They were both shocked so much, they were impersonal, and no longer hated each other. After some minutes he left her and went out.