The Damned
‘I will miss you’, you said. Oh my God, how many months, how many years had I yearned, prayed and hoped for these words, how many days, nights and restless, sleepless hours had I burned in my own hell for these few words. My soul had rotted in the prison-house of my body to hear you say that you would, you really would miss me, you would think about me, that I existed in your world.
I slipped my hand out of the frayed black leather glove, my work glove, and gently touched your beautiful, dainty hand. I had to go. You were biting your lips. We both knew it was crazy. I knew it would only cause you the pain that I had suffered all my life. I was damned. You were a happy soul. I could not drag you to my world, my hell of torture, loneliness, and damnation. My touch was fatal; my life was poisoned and poisonous. I had to take myself away from you. I had no choice. I looked in your beautiful gray eyes. They were fixed on me, as usual. An eternity passed, I dragged myself away.
The pain in my heart made the long flight insignificant. All went in a buzz. The plane landed, a rough landing as usual. I had forgotten to tie my seat-belt. The stewardess reminded me kindly, but I could see the harsh reproach masked by that ossified professional kindness. I was where I had started from. The runway was burning. People covered their heads with umbrellas, handkerchiefs or whatever could give shelter from that merciless heat of a humid, hot infernal July day. I sleep-walked towards the bus, stood in a corner and within a couple of minutes its journey was over. I was in another world. A world of people, hundreds, thousands of people. My heart was left behind, maybe so was my scorched soul, maybe!
II
The conference was on the 7th floor. I didn’t want to go but I had to, I was bored and felt intellectually drained. I had to go and hear people say intelligent things (things that nobody fully understands). As I stepped out of the taxi and climbed the marble stairs, the massive office-tower looked down at me, weighed down at me. I was dwarfed, even the mountains in the distant were dwarfed. I made my way, the automatic doors offered no resistance. The cool, air-conditioned reception hall offered no relief, nor did the plastic smile of the receptionist stir any interest in me. I signed the Visitor’s Log and approached the lift with heavy steps as the receptionist sprinkled a warm, sunny “Thank you Sir” on me, ineffectually. I just turned, and approached the lift. Waiting, waiting. It was coming down for me, approaching me silently.
In case of fire, do not use the lifts
read a small note above the lift buttons. Finally it arrived for me. ‘Ding’ the door opened and I decided to make my move. There was a sound behind me, I didn’t turn back. There was a shattering sound, something had come right through the glass doors and hit me in the back, between my shoulders. It was like being punched unawares. But this thing had gone right through my body and had shattered the mirror in the lift. I had seen a bright light, brighter than any light I had ever seen, I who was brought up under the brightest of Suns. I saw splashes of blood and other sticky bits everywhere, my blood and my bits. I had fallen on my face. I saw myself lying down on my face in a pool of blood. I saw the blackened lift doors closing softly on my head, gently touching it and moving back, only to return and retreat finding my head still in their way. How polite of them!
And then the thought hit me with the power of a thousand bullets. You will never see me again. You will miss me and you will cry. I dropped down on my invisible knees, beside my mutilated carcass, and I cried invisible tears because I knew that I had caused you more pain than you had deserved. I had infected your soul!
30/06/2008
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