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Thread: The Innocent Adventure of Dawn

  1. #1
    Lovely Princess Lucretia
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    The Innocent Adventure of Dawn

    Dawn shuffled down the street with his hands in his pockets and head bowed. A bag was swing over his shoulder with a few items hanging out. And no money in his pocket. There was nowhere to go, there was never anywhere to go. For the past two night, Dawn had to sleep outside in the frigid air since there was no place that would accept him. Once, he had to sleep in the bushes beside a huge frightening road and then the second night he slept in a playground. Except the park rangers forced him out of the park leaving him with no place to spend the night. It was the worst possible night this could happen, tonight it was supposed to rain. The scent was fresh with thundering echoing in the background. If only, Dawn had some money then even the simplest motel would accept him but that was exactly what he didn’t have.

    Money that was one of those things that everybody needed to live. And of course, Dawn could not obtain a decent amount of money in his pocket. A dollar and thirty five cents all in pennies. No job would take him and no person would offer him money. Therefore, Dawn was punished in the world and forced to shuffle down the streets in search of some sort of shelter.

    Ahead for the first time in awhile, voices could be heard as two people spoke. Dawn looked up to see to shady characters hanging around the doorless entrance of a closed tube station. Shelter. Obviously, these people had the same amount of trouble as Dawn did. With one deep breath, Dawn pulled his hands out of his pockets and stood up straight. He strolled up to the two shady characters acting all cocky as if he were something instead of the nothing he really was.

    The two men at the entrance began to laugh at the over exaggerated stroll of Dawn. He stopped leaning against the wall smiling at them. “’Sup,” he said jutting his chin out. “Just strollin’ ‘round the city.”

    “Go home kid,” growled one man.

    “Naw think I’m gonna stay here where all the coolio foo are,” commented Dawn.

    “Do you wanna live tonight?” asked the same man while
    laughing. “Get the **** away from here kid. It’s adult time over here.”

    “Do you kiss yo’ mom with that mouth?” retorted Dawn.

    “Hey, hey shut up, John. Come on, we are lucky to be in the presence of such a nice kid as…what’s your name?” chuckled the other man.

    “I’m Dawn just Dawn.”

    “That’s a pretty awesome name, I’m Adam and this is John,” continued the second man. “So what are you doing out here?”

    “Notin’.”

    “Really? Well maybe you can help out a little bit. John and I need some help gatherin’ cancersticks and my cousin is in there and she hates my guts. Maybe you can help out by grabbin’ some for us. I’ll pay you.”

    “How much?” asked Dawn bouncing on his heels.

    “A lot,” grinned the man.

    “Yeah that and packaged snow,” added the first man.

    “Ok, cancersticks and…wait…how are you going to get snow? It’s spring,” replied Dawn extremely puzzled. “Is it special snow?”

    “Yeah you could say that,” replied the first man.

    “So remember cancersticks and snow,” repeated the second man.

    “Ok, cancersticks and snow…got that,” grinned Dawn. He dropped his half opened bag on the ground taking in another deep breah. “Yeah! I can go ‘bout doin’ this. It’ll be easy. Cancersticks and snow.”

    Dawn then walked into the closed tube station still with his chin jutting out. He kept his cocky, over exaggerated walk as he strolled downstairs to where he heard pounding music. There people were gathered dancing and talking. Slowly, he scanned the area starting a goofy dance that looked more like a fish flailing around on land. People started to stop staring at him. Not only was his horrendous dance moves attracting their attention but the fact that he was not one of their crowd.

    A huge man pushed his way to the front. He was tall, looming above Dawn then there were his muscles that were larger then both of Dawn’s arms put together. It took Dawn a few moment to recognize the alpha dog presence of the newcomer. He stopped looking up at him with his chin jutting out and a huge grin.

    “Yo! ‘Sup man?” greeted Dawn. “Lookin’ for cancersticks and packaged snow for my two home dogs Adam and John.”

    The huge man grinned looking around at a few people as the crowd burst into laughter. Dawn tried to remain on his tippy-toes while looking up at the man. “Snow? And cancersticks? That is a mighty interesting request you’ve got there,”

    “Yeah…who knew snow in the spring,” replied Dawn.

    “Pretty cool, huh,” smiled the man still looking around at the crowd. “Don’t really know what I should ay to that. Kid…not happenin’.”

    “Um…hey…y-you…” Dawn paused lifting a finger pointing at the huge man.

    “**** off, kid,” grumbled the huge man before turning to a woman and pulling her into an embrace.

    But Dawn hit him without leaving a mark. The man looked back at him rolling his eyes. “I said, **** off kid!” barked the huge man. “You son of a *****.”

    “Hey! I need snow and cancersticks!” shouted Dawn hitting him again before making a weak attempt at kicking him. “Cancersticks and snow! Cancersticks and snow! That’s all I need you-you, slimeball!”

    Shaking his head, the huge man punched Dawn in the face so hard that he stumbled backwards. Awkwardly, Dawn struggled back to his feet lifting two fists up guarding his face but the man simply punched him in the stomach. He fell forward gasping only for the huge man to shove his knee into his face. Groaning, Dawn fell over onto his side. There he curled up, arms folded over his face and knees pulled up to his chest while he laid there. Once again, the huge man harmed Dawn by kicking him in the back but Dawn did nothing about the attack. He just laid there.

    Some other man came out dragging him away from the crowd up the many flights of stairs to the tube station. There Adam and John stood at the entrance laughing. Poor Dawn was left there remaining curled up still guarding his face even as the two shady characters came over to him. John pulled him to his feet as Adam stood in front of him.

    “What the hell?!” barked Adam before punching poor, little Dawn in the stomach. He gasped leaning forward, biting his lip. “What the ****?! You lyin’ bastard!” He punched Dawn again but this time in the face. You fu…”

    “Wait! Wait! Stop! Please!” shouted Dawn wrangling free guarding his face again. He pushed his fingers against his nose stopping the bleeding. “Stop! Stop! Stop! Give me a second chance! Please!” Adam stopped lowering his fist while looking at Dawn before he handed him a gun.

    “Go have fun then, kid,” teased Adam. John walked to his side looking at Dawn. “Faster and I’ll give you even more money then before.”

    Dawn looked at the pistol. “Bloody hell!” he exclaimed.

    “It’s loaded, go shoot ‘em,” replied Adam.

    “…But…that’ll kill them,” panicked Dawn.

    “And we’ll kill you if you don’t go ‘bout getting’ that ****,” growled John pulling out his own gun pointing at Dawn. “Get your skinny *** back in there!”

    Dawn lingered there for a few seconds before taking in a deep breath. “Ok but I’ll only shoot to wound not shoo…” Except Dawn just left without even finishing. He escaped by sprinting back down into the tube station. The Alpha Man was still standing close by talking to some whore as she hung on him. He looked up rolling his eyes at the sight of Dawn. The Alpha Man stood up straight shoving the whore off himself while looking at Dawn.

    “What the fu…what the hell are you doin’ here?!” roared the Alpha Man. Dawn raised the gun with a shaky hand. “Oh very scary,” he sarcastically commented while shaking his head. “What? Are you going to shoot me?”

    Dawn prepared to fire the gun while his hand still violently shook. “Cancersticks and snow…that’s all that I ask for and it can’t be much. Cancersticks yeah, but snow just wait for the wintertime. It snows all of the time.”

    The Alpha Man lunged forward but Dawn pulled the trigger on the gun sending a bullet through his chest. A strangled look of pain cross the man’s face as he fell to his knees. Dawn stumbled backwards looking at the blood splattered on his hands. Everybody spun around looking at him with the smoking gun. Taking in deep breath, Dawn pointed the gun at the ceiling turning to face them.

    “I-I just asked for something simply, so just give it to me,” Dawn said for everybody to hear. People began to scream when they saw that the Alpha Man was on the ground, dead in a puddle of blood. “Somebody go get me cancersticks and snow. I don’t give how much…well no…just give me a lot.” Nobody moved at first so Dawn shot somebody else standing close to him. “LISTEN TO ME! LISTEN!” He shot a third person finally making a point to the people. Somebody began to throw things into a box before coming over to Dawn. “Thank you!” Then Dawn even shot that person but through the shoulder allowing them to leave.

    He began to back away holding the gun out at the people as he left the tube station. Outside, Adam and John cheered for him when he came out with the drugs. Adam came over taking the box and then took the gun.

    “Nice job kid, you got some tough **** goin’ on there,” chuckled Adam. He took the gun from Dawn as he stood there proud as a peacock. “But a shame ‘cause, I won’t be needin’ you ‘round any more.” He took the gun and pulled the trigger but no bullets were left. Poor Dawn stood there, the color had blanched from his face and his teeth dug into his lower lip. Rolling his eyes, Adam took the butt of the gun and smashed it across Dawn’s head. He fell to the ground unconscious and they ran off.

    Several minutes later, Dawn woke up feeling dizzy as he pulled himself across the ground to a hiding spot as tears entered his eyes. He never got his money and committed the most heinous sin of them all. Dawn grabbed onto his backpack throwing it over his shoulder before managing to stand up. He went back into the tube station reaming on the first level. Below cries and screams could still be heard. Therefore, he left walking on knowing the time he laid there unconscious was going to have to serve as he rest for the night. Looking at the ground, he continued down the road.

    Dawn shuffled down the street with his hands in his pockets and head bowed. A bag was swing over his shoulder with a few items hanging out. And no money in his pocket. There was nowhere to go, there was never anywhere to go. For the past three nights, Dawn had to sleep outside in the frigid air since there was no place that would accept him. Once, he had to sleep in the bushes beside a huge frightening road and then the second night he slept in a playground. And the third night, he spent insomnious outside of a tube station after a horrible ending drug deal.
    Money that was one of those things that everybody needed to live. And of course, Dawn could not obtain a decent amount of money in his pocket. A dollar and thirty five cents all in pennies. No job would take him and no person would offer him money. Therefore, Dawn was punished in the world and forced to shuffle down the streets in search of some sort of shelter.

  2. #2
    LOuis Red Louis Red's Avatar
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    undulating strings of vibration balance an elevated sense of composition and electromechanical stitching of the background irrelevance infusing a highly irregular methodology. the innocent adventure of dawn could in theory be described as the marching string in the analogy above. staggered emphatic tempos of highly syncopated disgust and

  3. #3
    Bibliophile Romanticus
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    I feel his misery.
    What country is Dawn in? It feels like England because of the Tube station, yet Dawn has $1.35 all in pennies. Is he an American, or should he have pence or pounds? I feel depression and lonliness, and the cut-throat grit of the streets. The imagery is very stark, cold and uncaring.

    Why is Dawn homeless? I want to know a little more about him as a person like what put him in in his current state of being prior to the drug deal gone bad? Did I miss something?

    After killing all of those people, he'd better scramble out of there, or hide. Unless he is at the tipping point of giving in and letting the Bobbies catch him. At least then he'd have food, shelter, and relative protection away from the street scallawags.

    If this is England, is "cancersticks" really a common term for cigs? Would a street kid really say that in a distressed and violent situation? Just curious.

    A couple more thoughts, I've read critiques before that suggest an important part of this kind of journey is how he gets out of it. Being down is one thing, and of course many people can't get back on their feet. But he is young and hopefully resilient.

    I can empathize with Dawn and the crap world he is for some reason placed to live in, but at this point I am still feeling a disconnection. Perhaps offer a reason that others can connect to on a deeper personal level with out being hackneyed or gratuitous. Something that might rock the soul that we could relate to that might have put us in the same situation. Something that might make us run away because we simply can not or do not want to stay in the previous situation.

    Is he a tragic hero, or the hero that over comes his predicament?

    "No job would take him and no person would offer him money. Therefore, Dawn was punished in the world and forced to shuffle down the streets in search of some sort of shelter."

    Why?

    Please take these as encouraging thoughts and suggestions, and simply just from someone else that loves to read, write and express themself so they can share it with others. Peace & good luck with your writing!
    Last edited by Page Sniffer; 05-30-2008 at 07:04 PM.

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