The Adventures of Senator Lad: A Satire by ScarlettEclipse
“It’s time to save the world!” shouted Larry Gary. He looked out at a monstrous crowd of people while standing above them on a stage. The crowd cheered and cheered as they held up all sorts of political signs. Larry smiled and once again shouted, “It’s time to save the world!” The crowd started to shout the same thing as Larry took a bow and backed away finding a woman standing close to the exit. They met eyes and she started to silently applaud him. “Hello Mary Faerie.”
“Hello Larry Gary,” grinned Mary as she stepped toward them. Together they walked off the stage. “Looks like the crowd bought it. You are up in the polls now with this whole ‘it’s time to save the world’ thing that you have going on. I applaud you.”
“Where’s Barry?” asked Larry.
“I don’t know besides what do you need him for any way?” replied Mary.
“I just wanted a second opinion,” mumbled Larry putting his hands in his pockets. “Oh well, I guess. So really, do you think that everybody likes this new campaign thingy?”
“Yep,” smiled Mary, “now you need to fix something to make it look more real.”
“Hmmm…” hummed Larry Gary as he stopped walking. He leaned against a wall putting a hand to his chin as if he were to support his head, “Hmmm…” Mary folded her arms over her chest while she tapped one foot. “HMMMM…”
“Would you just shut up!” snapped Mary.
“God, Mary! Calm down! I’m trying to think,” shouted Larry. He continued to lean there supporting his chin. “What to do? How to save the world. Hmm…”
“Have you ever read a comic book?” asked Mary putting a tight lipped smile on her face. “Think of it this way…what would Batman do?”
“Hmmm…” Larry continued to hum. “What would Matter-Eater Lad do?”
“He’d just eat a crumpet,” sarcastically replied Mary.
“That’s it! We’ll solve world hunger by giving out free crumpets to the rich Americans. You know, they get hungry, too,” replied Larry while shaking his head. He started to walk again. “Write that down Mary then tell Barry that I, Larry Gary said that we should give crumpets to all the hungry aristocrats.”
“But they have the money to buy food think of something else, you idiot!” growled Mary. “Now think more along the lines of ‘what would Batman do?’”
“You’re right, Mary! What would Psycho-Pirate do?”
“Maybe you should choose another superhero,” suggested Mary while shaking her head. “Sounds like the only thing Psycho-Pirate is good for is plundering and raping. With you running and everything, I think you’ll loose more votes then gain.”
“True, true…you have a good point Mary so therefore I’ll think about Superman. What would Superman do?”
“Great! Sounds like a plan!”
“Of course it is because I came up with it.”
“So tell me Larry, what would Superman do?”
“Stay away from Kryptonite.”
“Besides that.”
“Save the world…it’s time to save the world! So I am going to fly around saving the day. By day, I shall be superhero then by night, I shall be superhero,” proudly announced Larry. He met Mary’s eyes while gleaming with joy. “Please call Terry Perry and tell him that I, Larry Gary am in need of an original superhero costume that still helps represent me. My superhero name shall be Senator Lad and then at night I’ll be Senator Lad.”
“Um may I please make a suggestion about the name?” piped Mary.
“No because they are original and I am an original man,” chuckled Larry. He put his hands on his hips and jutted out his chin. “Beware cruel villains of the world Senator Lad is here to save the day…did you call Terry yet?”
“I’ve been talking to you.”
“Go call him! I want my costumes now! So I can be…Senator Lad,” heartily laughed Larry. Mary simply nodded and then left pulling out a cell phone to call Terry. She glanced at Larry while she was on the phone watching as he stood there tall and proud. Within seconds, Mary came over to Larry tucking away her phone. “What’s the news, Mary Faerie, faithful assistant to me, Larry Gary.”
“Terry will stop by soon with everything, it shouldn’t take long because he already has something you can use,” explained Mary.
“Wonderful!” exclaimed Larry. “Now to the Larrymobile and then to the Larrycave!”
“Golly gee, Larry Gary, aren’t you taking this a bit far,” mocked Mary giving him a dark look but Larry ran off. They left the area inside of a decent car.
Later, Larry waited outside his monstrous mansion waiting for Terry while Mary sat close by attempting to talk to him. She kept trying to ask him about dates but it was impossible to get through to him at the time.
“Larry? Larry?” continuously asked Mary. She stood up slapping him on the back of the head. “LARRY?!” Except he paid no attention as a car pulled up to a complete stop.
Terry climbed out of the car smiling as he ran to the back pulling out several things all wrapped in some plastic. “As requested,” he grinned handing the items over to Larry. “Are you sponsoring some sort of masquerade?”
“Yeah…that’s it…a masquerade,” replied Larry with a double wink. He then handed Mary everything. “Take that inside I’ll meet you there in a few.” Then he turned back to Terry with a broad smile across his face. “Not a word about this to anybody, you hear.”
“Yes, I can hear…actually, I have real good hearing; can hear a pin drop in the nighttime.”
“That’s pretty cool. I have bad hearing probably because I’m always listening to my iPod, can’t stop listening to that Sexy Back song. I’m bringing sexy back, yeah! It’s by far my theme song, fits my life perfectly,” Larry hesitated. “Hey…wait. You’re trying to trick me into something, aren’t you? Don’t say anything about this to a living soul.”
“Um ok,” hesitantly replied Terry.
“It’s just that, I don’t want…the media-yeah the media crawling around here.”
“Makes sense but I better get an invitation to your masque…” Larry started to run away leaving him standing there. “I’m guessing that’s a no. Ok…bye Larry.”
Larry ignored Terry’s shouting as he ran straight to his home finding Mary standing there with an almost normal office suit. The kind a business man would wear except for that fact that this suit had bright colorful sequins across the chest. It was a cheap knock off of Superman’s symbol but when Larry saw it his eyes bulged out of their sockets.
“It’s amazing!” he exclaimed running over grabbing the suit from Mary. “It’s time to save the world! Everybody will fall in love with Senator Lad for he is amazing. This’ll show all those people how wrong they were about my slogan.”
Taking the suit, he ran upstairs changing into it. Walking downstairs Larry looked at Mary showing off his costume. “I’ll be back later, if you find Barry tell him that I’m off saving the world. Oh! And call a press conference or something so that people know for sure it’s me.”
“What about your secret identity?” mocked Mary rolling her eyes. “Are you sure about this because it’s just asking for attention from the tabloids. It’ll be a field day for anybody who sees you strutting around town like a gay businessman who thinks he’s Superman.”
“Huh? Naw is there a cape anywhere because that’ll help with the whole heroic look,” continued Larry looking at everything that Terry brought. Mary grabbed onto one of the bags pulling out a cape tossing it to Larry. It was the ugliest thing ever, it was neon yellow and purple but anyhow Larry took it fastening it around his throat like every other superhero. He stood there, standing tall and proud again with his hands on the side along with his chin jutting out. “Off to save the world! I promised the people that I would so I will.”
Without further adieu, Larry strutted out of his home onto the streets. Everybody looked up and stared at him as he walked down the sidewalk. The whole time he scanned the area until he found two children looking up at a tree branch. He came up behind them and knelt down matching their height.
“Have you lost your cat?” he asked attempting to sound heroic.
One of the children looked at him, “we don’t have a cat.”
“There’s a bird in that tree, we call her Jerry but she won’t come down to say ‘ello,” whined the other child.
Larry looked up to see the bird sitting in her nest. “I’ll save you Jerry!” he shouted before running toward the tree. But instead of grabbing on and climbing it, he slammed into the trunk falling backwards. Larry stood up again any way. “Wow! Somebody should really move that tree.”
“Mommy!” screamed the first child before sprinting off.
The other child remained still looking up at the bird. Larry then started to climb to tree reaching the branch. He looked at Jerry as she sat there on her nest. “It’s aright Jerry, Senator Lad is here,” he told her inching across the branch. “I am here to save you. It’s time to save the world.” He reached out trying to grab Jerry out of her nest but instantly, she attacked his hand. Larry recoiled as he gave the bird a menacing look. “Have no fear Senator Lad is here! Hey it rhymes so that’s why Underdog says that. Amazing!”
The first child brought her mom out pointing at Larry as he once again started to approach the bird. He once again reached out toward the bird only for her to attack him. “Jerry, everything is gonna be alright. I won’t let you fall.” But the bird ended up flying away and Larry climbed out of the tree standing tall and proud. “Huzzah! Senator Lad has saved the day once again!”
“But-but the birdie flew away,” whispered the second child.
“Um excuse me, what are you doing?” asked the mother as she pulled her children close.
“Saving the world,” replied Larry, “you may know me as Larry Gary but currently, I am Senator Lad so don’t tell the world.” Then he added in a whisper, “It’s my secret identity.”
“But you just told me who you are, it’s no longer a secret.”
“No, no see now it’s your secret to keep.”
“Get off my lawn!”
“Vote for Larry Gary!”
“Get off my lawn!”
“Your right there are other places that need me! It’s time to save the world.” Then putting two arms up as if he were to fly, ran away making a whooshing sound. But he could find nothing else to fix for the rest of the day therefore, he came back to his home finding Mary outside waiting.
“Where have you been?” Mary demanded to know.
“Off saving the world, there was a bird stuck in a tree,” smiled Larry.
“Several people have filed complaints about you running around. They described you as demented,” barked Mary. “What’s your problem? And go change before somebody starts taking pictures. Remember that tabloids are a no, no.”
“Is Barry here?” asked Larry.
“Are you even listening to me?”
“Is Barry here?”
“Yes, he is inside, now go get changed and then there is a press conference. I alerted the people liked you told me to. God, I can’t believe that you are doing this, it’s going to be devastating.”
“Where’s Barry?”
“I don’t know! He is-he is somewhere on earth!”
“Oh. Ok. Cool.” Larry strolled into his home acting if he were bigger and more muscular. Mary shook her head before following him. There in the area by the door is Barry who began to laugh at the sight of Larry. “Barry! There is my right hand man, I need to know your opinion on everything. Am I taking it too far?”
“Yes,” grumbled Mary.
“No!” exclaimed Barry. “Actually, I don’t think you are taking it far enough.”
“What?” asked both Larry and Mary in unison.
“Well tell me what you did today to save the world? Did you just help an old lady across the street?” continued Barry.
“It was not little, ok. And I didn’t help a lady across the street; actually, I saved a bird who just happened to be stuck in the tree,” replied Larry folding his arms across his chest. “Got it to fly away.”
“Good job, Superman,” sarcastically complimented Mary.
“Um it’s Senator Lad.”
“Look Larry, saving the bird is one thing but there are greater things that you can do. There is only one problem…you have to find these things, these horrible things that go on.”
“Then I need glasses. Mary, get me a pair of glasses so I can see the bad in the world.”
“Well, tell you the truth, I was thinking more along the lines of you causing these things. Like Mary and I can go rob a bank, then just in time, you come to the scene and KO us. Except you gotta let us escape the police.”
“That sounds like a great idea!” exclaimed Larry. He leaned his chin against with one of his hands and started to hum a merry little tune. Next, he started to walk to and fro through the room while pondering Barry’s suggestion. The whole time, Mary just stood there giving Barry a dark look for his influence on Larry. “I got it! The most brilliant idea ever.”
“What? What brilliant idea have you come up with while looking like a fool?” muttered Mary.
“Mary, you will work with Barry while I, Larry Gary work against you,” started Larry.
“Keep going, keep going,” said Barry.
“Ok, so Barry, you and Mary will rob a bank, isn’t that such an original idea?”
“Oh yeah, it is.”
“And then, I, Larry Gary but then I’ll be Senator Lad will come in while you are stealing the money from the bank. We’ll put on a fight, I’ll stop Mary, but you Barry-yeah you, Barry, you will escape with money but I’ll chase after you and pretend that I stopped out and bring back some money. Except you’ll keep most of it so that we can use that money to buy me an amazing new car that’ll be called the Larrymobile and a giant spotlight, with the Larry signal. How does that sound?”
“So you are going to be the superhero, by setting up a crime and stealing money?” questioned Mary. “Really? Is that your brilliant plan to save the world?”
“Of course, what else am I supposed to do, donate money to charity, feed the poor? Um no! I am going to be a superhero because that is what the people want. It’s time to save the world!”
“I personally think that it’s a brilliant idea,” commented Barry with a huge grin.
“Of course you do! That’s because you came up with the idea!”
“No, Larry came up with it. Right, Larry?”
“How could anybody else come up with that amazing of an idea? I’m the only smart one around here,” laughed Larry. “Now go prepare for the big show. Throw sheets or something over your head. Hmm…maybe the people’ll think you’re ghosts! How cool would that be?”
“Um yeah sure, what a smart idea,” smiled Barry.
“I hate you, Barry, I hope you realize that,” barked Mary.
“Are you coming?”
“Mary has to go or she’s fired,” replied Larry.
“I guess so.”
“Now go! Go rob a bank! Go to the closest bank, the one that is down the street and to a right,” explained Larry, “I’ll be the one there who looks like a superhero.”
“No duh,” Marry rolled her eyes.
“Wait, which one? There are five banks there,” asked Barry.
“The red one.”
“There are two red ones.”
“The first one that’s red and has a giant B. The B is for bank.”
“Oh alright.”
“I feel like I am trapped in a room full of idiots,” grumbled Mary before leaving.
“Ignore her, Larry, you are as smart as they come.”
“Don’t worry, I know. Ok, I’ll meet you all at the bank.”
“Wait, what do we do if we get caught?” asked Barry.
“Um you learn Latin then escape to Latin America and hide there until everything has been cleared up,” replied Larry. “How does that sound? Or should you move there first before you learn how to speak Latin?”
“Just go to the bank, I think that Mary and I will be fine,” chuckled Barry.
“Have fun,” smiled Larry before leaving. He went outside and went straight to the bank without stopping. After his first step inside, everybody started to laugh hysterically at him due to the fact that he still wore his costume. Larry just smiled at everybody and waved. “It was a happy day at the bank, everybody was so happy that they laughed and smiled at the arrival of their beloved superhero, Senator Lad.” Slowly, Larry made his way through the bank while narrating. “Even Senator Lad was happy; happy enough to smile and wave back to them. But then…” He stood in the middle of the bank for a few seconds before spinning around to face the entrance. “Suddenly, out of nowhere…” but nothing happened so Larry turned his back to the door. He heard it open. “But then…suddenly, out of nowhere…” he spun around this time to see Mary and Barry run into the bank with sheets over their heads and water guns. “Villains entered the bank frightening the people.”
All of the people started to scream as they knelt on the ground except Larry still stood up. Mary stepped forward looking at him from underneath a bed sheet. “Stand back, Senator Lad, this is our fortune!” she shouted to him.
Next, Barry took several steps to her side looking at Larry, “Be prepared to pay in blood.”
“That’s a terrible line, Barry!” exclaimed Larry. “You seriously need to find some sort of script writer if you are going to help me rob this bank.”
“Stand back, Senator Lad,” barked Mary. She then took off running toward one of the bankers pointing the water gun to them. Barry followed as they were led into the back of the bank. Larry stood there looking at his wrist watch waiting a few minutes. The police were on the scene while Barry and Mary were still in the back.
Several officers raced into the bank stopping at the sight of Larry. He put a hand up while grinning largely. “Stop! Have no fear for Senator Lad is here,” announced Larry loud enough for everybody to hear. “I’ll take care of this mess.”
“He is robbing the bank, too!” exclaimed one of the people on the floor.
“No, I am saving the bank get a dictionary,” corrected Larry.
“His accomplices are inside,” commented another person.
“You need a dictionary, too!” barked Larry as he started to back away. Then he took off running meeting up with Barry and Mary. “Time to learn Latin! Time to learn Latin, we’ve been caught.”
“Maybe because you just announced the plan to the world,” hissed Mary.
“You idiot!” shouted Barry. “Get a brain next time you follow through with such an idea.”
“Come on, we have to go and learn Latin so we can move to Latin America!” exclaimed Larry signaling for them to run. “Come on! Come on, you idiots!”
“Idiots?! What do you mean by us being the idiots?” Barry demanded to know. “You’re the one running around like a fool in a suit; you’re the one who decided that you are going to be a superhero. And here you are calling us idiots while thinking that they speak Latin in Latin America! They don’t! Their dialect is Spanish and Portuguese! Watch The Simpsons!”
“You know what, I never really liked that show but then again that was when it first came out. For awhile now, I’ve wan…” Larry started to ramble.
“You idiot!” screamed Mary slapping him across the face throwing the sheet off herself. She then dropped everything she was holding and tried to runaway but by now the police were coming into the room. Rolling his eyes, Barry dropped everything he was holding and put his hands up. Except Larry stood there looking at them.
“Hey, hey, hey you can’t arrest me, I’m Larry Gary.” One of the police officers just pulled out a set of handcuffs and walked over to Larry as he backed away from the officer. “Do you not understand who I am? I am Larry Gary, a senator, the guy who is running for president. If you don’t arrest me I’ll-I’ll give you something, anything that you want.”
The officer slapped the cuffs on his wrists anyway. “Eh, I wasn’t gonna vote for you,” he smirked before leading Larry outside. “Just be glad this isn’t the French Revolution or something like that ‘cause they’d behead you. Instead you get to live in a nice little jail cell.”
“Wait…wait…wait…why wouldn’t you vote for me?” asked Larry.
“My wife doesn’t like you and whoever she votes for I vote for. She is going for that other guy who’s running, forget the name, but apparently she likes him because he is a good looking man,” chuckled the police officer. The other police officers force Barry and Mary outside after Larry. Larry watched as all of the people laughed and whispered about him. He looked back at the other two with a frown. Mary would not meet his eyes while Barry just shrugged. Then there were bright flashes as people jumped out with cameras. He tried to shield his face but it was impossible with the handcuffs. Finally, Larry was forced into the backseat of a car where he managed to lean forward blocking himself from the view of all cameras.
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