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Thread: Guilty Pleasures.

  1. #1
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    Guilty Pleasures.

    Hey. Well, me and my friend started writing this, for fun. But now we want to actually complete as a...small book i guess.
    We've completed chapter one, we THINK, though we may add more.
    Please tell me what you think.
    Please be brutally honest.. only way we'll get better xD
    Thank you!
    xxx


    Guilty Pleasures.
    Chapter one.

    A fuzzy gathering of bees buzzed around a tall honeysuckle plant, illuminated by the harsh glow of the midday sun. Birds chirped high up in a solitary tree, their calls mingling soporifically with the comforting warmth of the humid air. A young girl flopped back on the grass, her long, curly hair flowing out behind her, her pale pink tank top riding up, exposing a tanned stomach. Grinning and pushing his hair out of his limpid blue eyes, a young boy stared down at Katelyn, his gaze soft and his eyes brimming with love for her. Her heart missed a beat – how could anything be so perfect? Her hand still grasped his, sticky but comforting in the mid-summer heat. They had spent the day together, just hanging around Nick’s back garden, drinking lemonade his mum had made and laughing and joking.

    Squinting, Nick smiled at the small camera screen. It displayed a photo of the two of them posing, sunglasses and over the top hats included. Whenever they could they took a photo of them together to add to the special scrapbook they were creating – it included memories of all their time together.
    He dropped the camera onto the grass and lay down beside his girlfriend of two years, leaning over and brushing his lips gently against hers. She shivered despite the intense heat, before sitting up and locking her deep brown gaze on his eyes.

    “I love you, Nick,” she whispered, her hands reaching out towards him, wanting him to hold her and never let her go. His lips parted, his lips moved to speak but no sound came out. Then his eyes grew distant, cold, still. His lips turned blue, blistered, unrecognisable. His hair became tangled, knotted, matted. Then he was fading, his face blurring, being pulled apart and taken by the merciless wind which never tired of its endless journey.

    Katelyn jolted awake, her brown eyes wide, her breath coming out harsh. Her pyjama top clung to her back, drenched in a cold sweat. This dream had crept up on her repeatedly since that dreadful day. The day which meant nothing could ever be the same again. Today was the funeral; today she would have to be brave. She felt anything but brave as she stumbled out of bed and flung open her wardrobe, hastily sifting through it for something decent to wear as a distraction from the tears which threatened to spill down her cheeks. She found what she was looking for taking it carefully from the wardrobe she placed it on her bed. She changed from her pyjamas and wondered in a daze into the bathroom. Katelyn stared at herself in the mirror, the eyes Nick had fallen in love with were red and sore from all the crying. Thinking about Nick caused an empty feeling in the pit of her stomach. She looked down at her trembling hands and twisted the ring Nick had bought her for her 16th birthday. She smiled to herself whilst tears filled her eyes. A knock at the door disturbed her thoughts.

    “Kate darling, the cars here.” Susie, Katelyn’s Mum called as she came into the room.

    Katelyn wiped her tears from her eyes on the back of her hand. “I’ll be there in a sec…” her voice trailed off, tears overcoming her once more. The reality of today had sunk in and the pain was unbearable. “Why did he have to die Mum?” She sobbed into her Mother’s arms.

    “I know darling, I know it’s hard.” Susie stroked Katelyn’s hair soothing her as though she were a little girl.

    “You don’t though. Nobody does.” Katelyn cried becoming hysterical she pushed away her Mother and ran to the window. She placed her hand on the pane and cried as she looked out at the car. The word ‘Nick’ spelt in flowers in the window.

    Katelyn and Susie emerged from the house into the cold, winter breeze. Snow covered the ground and there was an eerie mist that enveloped around everybody gathered round. She cried silently into her Mothers arms as they walked towards the car. The crowd parted making a space for them as they walked over the icy path. The street was silent with sympathy as everyone watched Katelyn struggle to hold back the tears. She stopped in front of the car and stared into the window, the purple flowers spelling out his name sat by the side of the mahogany coffin. “Goodbye Nick.” She whispered tears rolling down her cheeks.

  2. #2
    Registered User Tiamat's Avatar
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    Please forgive me for being a little harsh here, okay? Your writing is pretty good. There are a few things that stand out like your use of double prepositions and a bit of flowery language, but overall, you've got talent.

    Problem is, I finished reading this story wondering what would make it any different from the hundreds of other stories that begin the same way? It starts out all lovely-dovey. Then she wakes up and we find out her boyfriend died, but we don't care yet because there's nothing that makes us really like this girl. By the end of the chapter, we feel pity for her, but that's not the same as liking her. Feelings of pity do no evoke a desire to learn more about a person. Show us what makes Katelyn unique right from the beginning. Give us a glimpse of why we want to read an entire book about her.

    This might have been an excellent beginning about ten years ago, but nowadays readers want to be hooked right from the first paragraph. It's kind of a bummer, but that's the way it is.

  3. #3
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    Thanks for the comment =D

    yeahh i get what you're saying and it makes sense and we didn't even think about that haha!

    i dunno what else to say lol

    But, here's chapter two if u wanna read. lol

    ---------------------

    Chapter 2

    Hushed voices and sympathetic gazes greeted Katelyn as she plodded wearily through the familiar school gates. She had begged her mum to let her have a day off school to recover, not fully wanting everyone to feel sorry for her, to pity her, to be overly cheerful and bright. Her mum had said she should go though and so here Katelyn was, hunched up against the stares as she crossed the yard and yanked open the door to the main building. As she moved inside, soft arms bundled Katelyn into a bear hug, pulling her in so tight she almost lost her breath. A tall girl pulled away from Katelyn, her best friend, her eyes rounded heavily in black eyeliner and her dark hair spiked up in odd angles.
    “Let’s go to the form room?” Nadine smiled and Katelyn was grateful for her attempt at being normal and not mentioning anything about the weekend. When the two friends reached the form room, Olivia and Roxy were waiting. They looked up from casual conversation, curious to see whether their best friend was alright but they did not make a fuss. Katelyn managed a weak smile as she plonked herself down next to Libby, slipping her bag off her shoulder and under the table by her feet.

    “Anything happen over the weekend?” Katelyn asked quietly, not wanting to seem like a miserable and boring person when her friends were making an effort for her. Roxy grinned at her, her dyed red hair glinting in the light, but before she could open her lips to speak Nadine was already speaking.

    “She met another boy, nothing unusual there,” she shook her head in mock disapproval, pointing at Roxy behind her back. Katelyn wasn’t surprised; Roxy was striking with her red hair and her emerald green eyes and her slender frame and her quirky dress style. She always had the most attention from boys. Katelyn remembered when she first met Nick, how Roxy had been jealous because Nick had fell for Katelyn and not her. Well, she never said she was jealous but Katelyn had the feeling she was. Now Roxy was pretending to hit Nadine.
    “He was not just any other boy, Nadine!” she turned to Katelyn, her eyes twinkling with excitement. “He was gorgeous and he asked for my number.” She ended the sentence, her head held high and her eyes triumphant. Katelyn suppressed a laugh despite the depressed state she was in; it was like this every time.

    “I had a garden party with my family,” Libby changed the subject, fiddling with a piece of strawberry blonde hair from her ponytail. “It was good – got to see relatives I hadn’t seen for a while.”
    “That’s where I met Aiden,” Roxy chirped in dreamily. Nadine rolled her light brown eyes.
    “Isn’t Aiden your cousin?” Katelyn asked Libby, her eyebrows raised slightly.
    “Yes,” Libby answered with a sigh. “I invited Roxy to the garden party because she was complaining she had nothing to do. I didn’t expect her to go scavenging around my cousins!”
    Roxy squealed with mock outrage and was just about to make a lunge at Libby when Mrs Harris, their form teacher, hurried in. She dropped a stack of papers on her desk, next to a pile of books perched precariously near the edge and hurried to stand at the front of the class.

    The morning was a blur of emotions for Katelyn; she smiled and laughed but not really meaning it. She tried not to show it but there was only one thing on her mind: Nick.
    “Kate honey, eat something.” Libby said softly putting her arm round Katelyn.
    “I’m fine, really. I don’t want anything.” She shot back pushing Libby’s arm off, her thoughts returning to Nick.

    “No, Nick get off! Don’t do that!” Kate laughed trying to run away from Nick’s grasp. It was summer and they were lying on the grass in the local park with Nick’s dog Midnight. The boiling sun shone down on them making Katelyn’s eyes sparkle.
    “You really are gorgeous babe,” Nick paused as his lips touched Katelyn’s. “I love you.” He continued to look deep into her eyes.
    “I love you too,” She grinned.

    “I’ll buy you some chips?” Libby asked gently, her blue eyes round with worry for her friend. She reached down for her bag, rummaging around for her purse before Katelyn could complain.
    “No, I don’t want anything. Okay?” Katelyn snapped, dropping her head into her hands but not before she’d seen the hurt look plastered on Libby’s heart-shaped face. Instantly she felt bad but she did not feel like apologising. She did not feel like talking at all.

    “Now look what you’ve done Libby,” Nadine retorted, her hazel eyes accusing. “She is going through a hard time, think about her feelings next time.’
    “I was! I do care about her you know,” Libby replied, her eyes prickling. She looked down at her pasta so as not to let the others see how upset she was.
    “Stop bickering,” Roxy cut through, not looking up from examining the back of the packet of the chicken salad she was eating. She did not seem to notice the glares she was awarded with from the other two girls. Katelyn felt suddenly overwhelmed; she could not stand the way the other girls were talking about her as if she wasn’t there. She couldn’t stand how she was causing rifts between them. Standing up, she pushed her chair back roughly and grabbed her bag, slinging it clumsily over her shoulder before rushing out of the canteen before anyone could follow her. She had to get out. She had to get out of this school. She knew just where to go, just where she could be closest to Nick.

    ****

    Ring, ring, ring. The persistent buzzing of the telephone cut into Katelyn’s thoughts. She sighed; she had turned her mobile off for a reason. It could be for mum though, she thought to herself.
    “Kate?”
    Katelyn groaned and heaved herself off her bed, heading for the door. Her blonde hair was a mess, her eyes sore from all the tears and her clothes creased from lying on her bed for hours on end.
    “Yes?” She called around the door, her voice cracking slightly.
    “The phone’s for you.”

    Deep down she had known it. Of course it would be for her after her detachment at school today. She begrudgingly picked the phone up, pressed it to her ear and hesitated.
    “Kate?” Nadine’s voiced echoed through the receiver.
    “Hi Nadine.”
    “Hi.”
    Silence. Breathing.
    “How are you?”
    “Fine.”
    “You stormed out of the canteen and I didn’t see you in the afternoon – you weren’t in Chemistry,” Nadine spoke softly, slowly as if trying carefully not to aggravate a dangerous animal. It annoyed Katelyn but her voice remained expressionless when she replied.
    “It’s been hard. I felt suffocated, like I had to get away.”
    Pause.
    “I covered for you when people asked.”
    “Thanks.”
    “Well I’ll leave you to whatever you’re doing,” Nadine said, knowing she was not wanted.
    “See you tomorrow.” Katelyn put the phone down and plodded back upstairs.

    She had just sat down on her bed when her mother peered round her door. She had a tray laden with a piece of toast, jam spread neatly across the top and a mug of coffee. Katelyn forced a smile – it was nice of her mum to prepare this for her but she didn’t want it.
    “Sorry mum, I’m not hungry.” Her mum didn’t respond, just placed the tray neatly on her desk and backed out.

    “Nick, can you come and pick me and the girls up? It’s just otherwise we can’t get to the party.” Katelyn watched Nadine applying her eyeliner, peering closely at her eyes in the mirror, Libby pulling a brush threw her glossy hair and Roxy throwing outfit after outfit back in her wardrobe, shaking her head; any one of the disapproved outfits would have looked amazing on her.
    “Yeah, course babe,” Nick spoke into the phone and Katelyn could hear him slamming the car door shut. “I’ll be there in ten minutes. Roxy’s house right?”
    “Yes, thanks Nick!” Katelyn grinned, giving the thumbs up sign at Libby.
    “Just make sure Roxy’s ready this time.” Katelyn laughed and Nick tutted in mock disapproval as the engine revved up, ready to go.
    “Love you.”
    “Love you too.”

    Their last conversation. Their last exchanging of words before the car crash. Katelyn returned to the present. An aching pang of guilt filled her belly and she felt empty, completely and utterly empty. It was her fault, it was all her fault. The tray of toast and coffee caught her eye; it suddenly looked more appetizing than it had a few minutes before. Despite what she had told her mum, soon enough the plate of toast was reduced to crumbs and she had drunken all the coffee. It made her feel better, less guilty and she had forgotten about it all while she had something worthwhile to do. Suddenly she felt drained and her mind clouded with fatigue, she crept under her duvet cover in her school uniform and fell into a light slumber.

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