Just wrote this now, thought I'd share:
Tragedy
The man broke the law
When he killed the girl
Getting caught his only flaw
The marring of a pearl
They sentenced him to death
For doing such a sin
He breathed his final breath
Entering a never ending din
They buried him all alone
On the loneliest little hill
The grass could only groan
With the night’s darkest chill
The girl’s mother only cried
When husband and daughter died
Interesting. The feeling behind it is incredible. You are happy that justice was served but it definately is over shadowed by your sympathy for the mother. I believe this is a very good poem and it touched me. Thank you for sharing it.
No matter what lies beyond the horizon, you can always find a guiding light.
Made me feel sad and I couldn't help but think that justice for someone might refer to injustice for someone else! Anyhow, a good poem! Great idea.
I sang of leaves, of leaves of gold, and leaves of gold there grew.
Thank you both for taking the time to read it!
You capture the emotion just right, which is the most important thing in poetry! Well done!
Some of us laugh
Some of us cry
Some of us smoke
Some of us lie
But it's all just the way
that we cope with our lives...
I'm bumping this up for ol' Hillwalker, maybe he will like this rhyming poem as much as the others who posted did.
Or maybe the crowd here just really changed dynamic.
I would like "entering" to be "entered" but I can't edit such an old post... oh well
'Ol Hill has had a look - there's good and bad in equal measure.
'marring the pearl' (the best phrase of the entire poem) and to a lesser extent 'the grass could only groan' show you have some of the sensibilities of a poet - though I'm wondering how much they owe to your having to find a rhyme.
But lines like 'For doing such a sin' or 'Entering a never ending din' and that closing couplet (which makes little sense in the context of a child murder) are very weak.
The moral of the story is a little simplistic don't you think? You are merely stating the obvious as far as I can tell.
As for the other comments posted on here - regarding the emotional depth of the piece - I find myself on a totally different wavelength. I failed to see any feeling or emotion here but that could be my blind spot.....
H
i have to say,the 'tragedy' is a little bit failure in such a stating, or at least, it does not cause me into the tragic feeling .
personally, i thought, for poetry, the rhyming is a good thing, but basing on the poem is a good one, it will perfect the poem. and it's well known, many famous poems are all rhyming. but if the rhyming destroy the whole poem's meaning, believe everyone knows how to do then.
'The girl’s mother only cried
When husband and daughter died '
----if hope this two lines to achieve strengthening the tragedy effect, it helps little owing to the front part
the whole poem, maybe because of two much remark, so lack of infectious
but to be honest, i hope i can rhyme randomly when i write poem! what a pity, i just can't!
This poem has a sort of Chekhov's Gun to it: You don't know what the tragedy is exactly until the last two lines. All you know is a man killed a girl and he was executed for it.Originally Posted by yuka
Then the last two lines appear and you find out that the man killed his daughter, and now a woman is left alone without her husband or daughter. A tragedy for her.
'How does it not make sense though? He sinned by killing, and he got sent into whatever evil place you believe in. I believe in Hell, for instance. I don't understand this...
But lines like 'For doing such a sin' or 'Entering a never ending din' and that closing couplet (which makes little sense in the context of a child murder) are very weak.
Now you seem to be getting picky. At first, it's all about how people barely read double meanings behind poems. Now, it's that if the moral of the story is right out in the open and has been told before, it doesn't bear any meaning? Seriously, you gotta help me understand that one.The moral of the story is a little simplistic don't you think? You are merely stating the obvious as far as I can tell.
Maybe you have no one you love to lose... it makes me think of what would happen if such a thing happened in my immediate family, and I'd be devastated.As for the other comments posted on here - regarding the emotional depth of the piece - I find myself on a totally different wavelength. I failed to see any feeling or emotion here but that could be my blind spot.....
You don't seem able to separate stating the 'bleeding obvious' (to quote Monty Python) from creating a new perspective on something. Ask anyone how they would feel about losing a daughter and they would be devastated - so how does being told this simple fact by you make this poem so enlightening and emotionally charged? It doesn't. This story has no moral no matter how you dress it up except that evil does not pay. Hardly earth-shattering.
'For doing such a sin' is just plain bad writing - 'committing a sin' is what you meant no doubt. And describing Hell (presumably) as a 'never-ending din' is equally weak (but it rhymes - which is the whole essence of where this falls down as a poem - you have allowed rhyme to dictate the sense of the piece).
The twist at the end is hardly Chekhovian - why did the mother 'only' cry? Are we expected to believe she didn't cry when she first learnt of her daughter's death? To be blunt, your inability to see where this poem is fundamentally flawed is jaw-dropping.
H
Have you ever thought about Hell? Have you read others' own perceptions of Hell? It is never ending bad noises and never ending insanity. Whatever again.
The "only" represents the feeling of hopelessness... she "only" has that to do as of right now.
And you are absolutely right, one can only COMMIT a sin... synonyms do not work with sin! How silly am I?
Undoubtedly, Ace, your material is a tragedy, but the way you worked not so tragic. Again, it lacks the infectivity of tragedy.
“The man broke the law, For doing such a sin, Entering a never ending din”
---Like Hill said, these lines of remarks are very week in this piece, they just pale the power of your poem
'The girl’s mother only cried
When husband and daughter died '
---and about your so-called Chekhovian end, please go to check those famous classical tragedies, in the real tragedies, the roles, the leading roles engaged in tragedy never or seldom cry. That is where the power of tragedy.
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