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Thread: Write and comment on poems!

  1. #1
    Camille W teen-poet's Avatar
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    Post Write and comment on poems!

    Hi guys. I'm new on this website, but I want to post my poems so that others can comment on them and make them better!
    Feel free to add your own poems, if you do I will put my own comments with it. I'm not afraid of criticism, but no complete "this sucks" you know!
    So have fun, post poems and comment! It helps people improve their work and you get a nice mushy feeling inside...
    =)

    xxC
    ~*Camille*~ a.k.a ~*teen-poet*~

  2. #2
    Camille W teen-poet's Avatar
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    Question Here's my first poem!

    Glitter
    As natural light dissipates slowly,
    s l o w l y,
    my face golden,
    the glowing ball drops
    i
    n
    t
    o
    the water.

    Sand stretches outwards to
    kiss
    the retreating sea.

    I sit and
    think
    about things.
    Beauty.
    Ugliness?
    Good.
    Bad.

    How can we
    tell
    what is
    right
    and what is
    wrong?

    we won’t be here for too much longer
    we’re killing beauty
    for a good hair day

    and then there will be
    dust
    rain
    glitter.
    ~*Camille*~ a.k.a ~*teen-poet*~

  3. #3
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    It's creative and imaginative! I like it!

  4. #4
    a dark soul Haunted's Avatar
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    Welcome Teen. Very good use of visual layout. Your poem is the 5th stanza. It's thought provoking with a strong voice. The rest is just window-dressing and not really original. And you haven't tied anything that remotely suggests "ugliness", so there's a disconnect. What made you go from "beauty" to "ugliness"? Just saying you were "thinking" doesnt' cut it. Show it. I'd keep S5, and rework the rest. Not sure what you mean with the last stanza, it's ambiguous. Poem can just end with S5. It's much more powerful this way.

    "But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
    "Oh, yes, I do."
    "In flames and torment?"
    "Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
    "That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said.
    "Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.

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