Manifest Destiny

[Ace]

Manifest Destiny

The man had on a black suit with navy blue pin stripes. He looked through the trees that grew everyday. He was looking through them at something in the distance.

He was looking at people.

New people. He had never seen anybody like them before. They had on barely any clothes. Loin clothes, for Christ’s sake. They did not seem civilized. They carried strange instruments, long and slender, made out of metal and wood.

The man was scared for his life.

He picked up his bow and made his way towards the strange creatures. Their long, black hair was intimidating. He wondered what they thought of his outfit. How peculiar he must look to them with his brown hair cut short and his tailor-made suit stretching past his elbows and knees.

He got to about thirty feet in front of the people when they raised their long sticks and pointed them towards him. He threw up his arm in protection. They said something strange and he put his arm down.

“Hello. This is my land. What brings you to my land?” The man asked the strangers.

They responded in a weird language. It was a strange language, but beautiful to the man. His ears danced with the sounds emanating from the men’s throats.

The man smiled, dropped his bow, and opened his arms wide to symbolize peace. The autumn leaves dropped around him, gently touching his suit’s arms. It was a scene that the strangers would never forget.

But the man, he would soon forget.

The outsiders sang in their native tongue and encircled the man.

He knew they had let him accept them into his culture. He would teach them about the land and help them survive the harsh winters. He would teach them how to make a suit like his, how to carve a bow and how to hunt deer and other small game.

But the strangers believed that he was accepting his fate, accepting the fact that he was uncivilized and needed to be exterminated. They had already encountered countless men and women like him before and had done the same thing.

They backed up and formed a line.

All at once, they raised their sticks and aimed them at the man.

The man figured that the sticks must be a way of initiating a friendship. He put his arms down and smiled wider.

Explosions shot from the sticks. Pain never felt before by the man raced through his body. Thick, sticky red gushed from his front and back.

He did not understand. His smile faded as he fell to the ground, unable to move.

The songs. They were so beautiful.

The songs made him smile one last time.

[Nighteyes5678]

First impression? Very nice. It's a great concept and there are just a few sticking points that you might want to look at.

- There is a lot of repetition. You have a lot of short sentences in a very short story. You might want to go through and stream-line things a little more.

- At the end, you switch perspectives and I wonder if you couldn't find a better way to convey the same information while staying in Mr. Suit's head.

- "The man was scared for his life." If he was scared, why did he approach them? Why didn't he do something more tactical?

- Are you sure you want this title? I'm just curious, what were your thoughts in selecting it?

These are some initial thoughts. If you're serious about cleaning up this piece, or if you simply wanted me to, I would be happy to go through and give a more complete review. But I certainly think it'd be worth the work. ^_^

[Ace]

First impression? Very nice. It's a great concept and there are just a few sticking points that you might want to look at.

1.) At the end, you switch perspectives and I wonder if you couldn't find a better way to convey the same information while staying in Mr. Suit's head.

2.) "The man was scared for his life." If he was scared, why did he approach them? Why didn't he do something more tactical?

3.) Are you sure you want this title? I'm just curious, what were your thoughts in selecting it?

I hope you don't mind me numbering your "sticking points".

1.) Do you mean the one part where is says "The songs. They were so beautiful" instead of "The songs, they were so beautiful to him." ?

2.) People do things that may not seem to be the answer when they are afraid. Haven't you ever watched a movie where you say, "DON'T GO INTO THAT ROOM! THE KILLER'S IN THERE!" yet they do it anyways? Haha, that's the best way I can explain the man's action.

3.) I'm not sure if it's the best title, but I had an idea to write a short story that shows how Native Americans were civilized, just not by European terms, and that to the Native Americans the Europeans were truly the savages (in most cases). The title refers to the Europeans brutality and relates to the "men in loin clothes" brutality, comparing the two which I hope is what the reader would connect.

I would love to read a more in-depth review, this piece I really enjoy the idea of it but I think it could be a lot better (not to mention it's very short) but I am stuck on the fact that I ended it so quickly. Usually once I end a story, I do not go back and edit it because I am no longer in the "writing mood" for that particular story.

[Nighteyes5678]

Of course I don't mind. I usually do it that way simply so i can post without worrying that someone will think I'm listing things in any particular order of importance or even what I noticed first. But yes, let us move to numbers to make things more clear. I want to respond to each of your thoughts about my points and then I will review the piece more fully, and then finally, I'll offer some thoughts about the editing process in general. This will probably be lengthy, but please remember that you asked for it. ^_^ Also, all of these thoughts are my own opinion, are not necessarily cemented in reality and are meant to be helpful and constructive, not discouraging and destructive.

Enough disclaimer!

1.) At the end, you switch perspectives and I wonder if you couldn't find a better way to convey the same information while staying in Mr. Suit's head.
1.) Do you mean the one part where is says "The songs. They were so beautiful" instead of "The songs, they were so beautiful to him." ?

No, I actually mean this bit:

But the strangers believed that he was accepting his fate, accepting the fact that he was uncivilized and needed to be exterminated. They had already encountered countless men and women like him before and had done the same thing.

It is actually the only part in which we see things from the stranger's point of view. The entire story, we are very firmly in Mr. Suit's mind, seeing things through his perspective. And perspective is very important to this story. I think it would be a much stronger piece if you would keep the same viewpoint (Mr. Suit) throughout. Not to mention it's a little iffy that a group of people would "assume he was accepting his fate". If you want to establish that they've done this before, perhaps you can have them collect trophies that Mr. Suit can recognize just before the fire. Or maybe, as he's lying there, he can see his wife and kids dead, laying by the house. Or something of that nature. I just don't think we need to be Told something in a completely different viewpoint at the end of the story. The piece is far too short for such a thing.

2.) "The man was scared for his life." If he was scared, why did he approach them? Why didn't he do something more tactical?
2.) People do things that may not seem to be the answer when they are afraid. Haven't you ever watched a movie where you say, "DON'T GO INTO THAT ROOM! THE KILLER'S IN THERE!" yet they do it anyways? Haha, that's the best way I can explain the man's action.

I have seen those movies and I think the same thing every single time - If they're going to be that stupid, then they deserve to die. I don't think that we should use things just because they are pre-established as cliches and a tripes. A stupid idea is a stupid idea. Possible suggestions for fixing this sticking point is to simply play down his fear. Have him wrestle with caution, but curiosity. Perhaps he could be ready to run, but the strangers see him and call to him with their hauntingly beautiful voices. It's your call in the end.

3.) Are you sure you want this title? I'm just curious, what were your thoughts in selecting it?
3.) I'm not sure if it's the best title, but I had an idea to write a short story that shows how Native Americans were civilized, just not by European terms, and that to the Native Americans the Europeans were truly the savages (in most cases). The title refers to the Europeans brutality and relates to the "men in loin clothes" brutality, comparing the two which I hope is what the reader would connect.

Believe me, I got the idea that you were going for in this story, which is one reason I like it so much. The switch is amusing and interesting. However, Manifest Destiny is a term that was used in the early to mid 1800's to refer to the belief that God had destined for the entire continent of America to be ruled by the Americans. It was a controlling idea that helped led people to move out West, take Texas and California from the Mexicans and to do all sorts of crazy things to take land. At this point in American history, the Americans were conquering the natives by using treaties that tricked them into surrendering their lands, or simply forcing them off their property. There was little of this sort of encounter. My point is that by using Manifest Destiny as I title, you are referring to a part of America's history that doesn't accurately reflect your story.

A more plausible time period to refer to would be when Europeans are first landing in the Americas. Of course, encounters were rarely this straight-forward. At first, the Europeans would trade with the Natives, assuming they weren't attacked outright.

Sorry, you're entering into a realm that I enjoy studying. I'm not saying your story won't work - on the contrary, it will! Of course, I am very bad at titles. The best replacement I could think of was "Mayan Suits". So, you know, take this as you will.

I would love to read a more in-depth review, this piece I really enjoy the idea of it but I think it could be a lot better (not to mention it's very short) but I am stuck on the fact that I ended it so quickly. Usually once I end a story, I do not go back and edit it because I am no longer in the "writing mood" for that particular story.

~*~

Right then, time for the bulk of the review. Your words will be in italics, my suggestions in text will be in bold, the rest will be normal. Now that we have a key, let's move forward.

~*~

The man had on a black suit with navy blue pin stripes. He looked through the trees that grew everyday. He was looking through them at something in the distance.

For a short short story like this, you're going to find yourself wanting to Tell most of the action. However, there can be a lot more power if you figure out ways to Show things instead. Right now, in three sentences, we have three controlling ideas. 1) There is a man wearing a suit. This is important to note because we want to establish early that he is civilized according to European styles of civilization. 2) He is in the trees and is often found in trees. This is important because we want to establish early that not only is he civilized, but he is "one" with the early like the Native Americans were. 3) He is looking through the trees at something in the distance. This is important because it is the transition to looking at the strangers. So, is there any way we can Show all of these three points without extending this part of the narrative? Keep in mind that you and I have very different styles of writing and that is as it should be. You're using a terse, brief style. I will attempt to imitate it so you can at least see what I'm thinking, then you can make my thoughts actually good.

The sunlight sprinkled through the trees, casting a dappled pattern on the man's brown skin and black suit. His polished leather shoes squelched on the soft ground, which worried him. He pressed himself up against a tree and stood still, peering through their branches.

Ok, I managed to keep it at three sentences, but only by using a comma to link two thoughts together. Also, my sentence pattern is repetitious, but you get the idea, right? That might be fixed by taking out the comma in the first sentence, put in a "which" and put the "casting" into past tense. But yeah, we don't need my thoughts to be perfect - just yours. But, I tried to Show instead of Tell, but I'm not that good at this sort of thing so the most I can hope for is that you get the idea of it, cause then you can do it right. Also, I do recognize that my style above is different from the story's style. I trust you can also fix that.

He was looking at people.

New people. He had never seen anybody like them before. They had on barely any clothes. Loin clothes[Loin cloth], for Christ’s sake. They did not seem civilized. They carried strange instruments, long and slender, made out of metal and wood.

The style in this section gets a little stilted, in my opinion. We have "they" starting three sentences out of six. Too many. Also, the sentence structure is awkward at times. Here is my revision and then I'll offer more thoughts below it:

He was looking at people - new people, unlike any he had seen before. They were hardly wearing clothes - if loin cloths could be considered clothes - for Christ's sake. Each carried a strange instrument, long and slender, made out of metal and wood. Their long black hair contrasting with their unhealthy white skin made them appear savage and uncivilized.

I pulled the black hair description from the paragraph below and contrasted it with their white skin, which matters now because previously we established Mr. Suit as having brown skin. They are now seen as wild, but very different.

If you want to keep more your style and thoughts, then I suggest reading it aloud to yourself several times, simply to make sure it flows. When I did that, this stuck out to me: "They had on barely any clothes." It flows better as "They barely had on any clothes." Switching those words around improves its readability. But still, this is all telling and doesn't really get the reader into the man's head. In the end of the story, as he's laying dying, you want the reader so solidly in his head, it hurts. This needs to be established throughout the piece instead of starting at the middle and continuing on, as if you hoped the reader wouldn't notice. Heh.

The man was scared for his life. - You've already heard my thoughts on this line.

He picked up his bow and made his way towards the strange creatures. Their long, black hair was intimidating. He wondered what they thought of his outfit. How peculiar he must look to them with his brown hair cut short and his tailor-made suit stretching past his elbows and knees.

I really do like this paragraph. Besides a few reading glitches, it does a very good job in contrasting the two appearances while being inside of Mr. Suit's mind. However, at this point, it still might be too much Telling still. I'm uncertain, so I'll let you be the judge of that. heh.

[i]He got to about thirty feet in front of the people when they raised their long sticks and pointed them towards him. He threw up his arm in protection. They said something strange and he put his arm down.[i]

I'm unsure about using the measurement of 30 feet. Not only is it awfully specific [then coupled with the word "about"], but it kinda sticks out to me. You might want to toss it and just say he approached them, stopping when they raised their long sticks. Also, the arm - arm duality doesn't really work in my mind. Perhaps you could substitute this - They said something strange, and he relaxed. Of course, I don't really like that either, but you see what I'm getting at.

“Hello. This is my land. What brings you to my land?” The man asked the strangers. - Something that I struggle with is word repetition. It really sticks out when you read it aloud. Right here, we have him echoing "my land" right after each other. Cut it. Perhaps "Hello. This is my land. What brings you here?" will do? I don't know. At least it gets ride of the echo effect.

They responded in a weird language. It was a strange language, but beautiful to the man. His ears danced with the sounds emanating from the men’s throats. - This again kind of sticks out to me. It's too much repeating, too much Telling. Perhaps combine the first two sentences like so They responded in a strange, yet hauntingly beautiful language. We're already in the man's head, in his viewpoint. By labeling the language with the descriptive words, the reader understands that this is Mr. Suit's perception of it. This is one of the advantages of keeping the viewpoint clearly identified and consistent throughout the entire piece.

Then the third sentence just seems funny. Ears dancing combined with throats? I don't really have a fix that comes to mind, but it's been weird every time I read it.

The man smiled, dropped his bow, and opened his arms wide to symbolize peace. The autumn leaves dropped around him, gently touching his suit’s arms.

The first sentence is great, but I would suggest and opened his arms in a symbol of peace. It simply is more stream-lined. You might want to add more descriptive words to make the scene pop a little more. Maybe - The fiery autumn leaves dropped around him, landing on his black suit, small touches of flame on the coal. I don't know if it works. But it's an idea. If the image is going to be so vivid to the strangers, than you'd better make it vivid to your readers.

It was a scene that the strangers would never forget.

But the man, he would soon forget. - This is another viewpoint switch and needlessly so. First of all, for your theme, I don't think you want to make it seem like this scene is going to be special to the strangers. They've done this before, they'll do it again - this is nothing special. Make it routine; make it cold and mechanical. Also, I think the foreshadow is unnecessary and a little clumsy. It's a halt in what needs to be a steady flow. Novels are a long hike - short stories are a steady run - short short stories (like this one) are a sprint, a dash. Keep it up, don't let down because it's so easy to trip and fall on your face when you're moving so fast.

The outsiders sang in their native tongue and encircled the man. - Here I suggest you move into a steady rhythm. A short sentence of action, a long paragraph of thoughts following. You're doing this here, but it's going to get interrupted later and I'll point it out, but I wanted to introduce the thought now.

He knew they had let him accept them into his culture. He would teach them about the land and help them survive the harsh winters. He would teach them how to make a suit like his, how to carve a bow and how to hunt deer and other small game. - This is good, but try and get into his head a little bit more. Remember, for this to impact the readers, they have to be identifying and dwelling with Mr. Suit now. Here's my take on it:

The man then knew that they had let him accept them into his culture. He would teach them about the land, help them survive the harsh winters, and teach them about his ways. Together, they would fashion proper clothing and weapons. Then they would hunt together, as brothers, capturing deer and other game for their families.

It's not perfect, but it's a start.

But the strangers believed that he was accepting his fate, accepting the fact that he was uncivilized and needed to be exterminated. They had already encountered countless men and women like him before and had done the same thing. - This is the interrupter. You know my thoughts on it, now also know that it is a stone, a trip line. Cut it.

They backed up and formed a line. - Why did they encircle, then form a line? I suggest have them form a line before instead of the circle. Cut this sentence and move to the next one. It keeps the pattern I mentioned earlier and reduces the fat to make your story leaner and meaner.

All at once, they raised their sticks and aimed them at the man. - It wouldn't hurt to identify the strangers again, especially after being inside of the man's head. Viewpoint is important, remember, and must be clear. Perhaps All at once, the strangers raised their sticks and pointed them at the man. This brings us outside of the man's head and into what's happening again. Also, I used "pointed" instead of "aimed" because it reflects Mr. Suit's thoughts that the sticks aren't weapons.

The man figured that the sticks must be a way of initiating a friendship. He put his arms down and smiled wider. - Good, we're back into Mr. Suit's head. Capitalize on that, expand it a little bit. This is the ending. Make it hurt. Good, they were offering him the symbol of friendship, the man thought with a smile. He took a step forward, his hand extending to accept one of the Friendship sticks. I think that this helps heighten the betrayal. Also, by now, the reader is screaming, "no! It's a trap! Don't go towards th-" and then "BAM BAM BAM!" Brings a tear to my eye. ^_^

Explosions shot from the sticks. Pain never felt before by the man raced through his body. Thick, sticky red gushed from his front and back. - This needs a little bit of work. Explosions don't really shoot, they explode. Pain never felt before by the man is wordy and awkward. It needs to be streamlined. Blood is not sticky when it's first produced and I don't know if you need the word thick.

He did not understand. His smile faded as he fell to the ground, unable to move. - The structure sticks here as well. Maybe switch it up a little bit? His smile faded as his strength flowed out of his body. His legs bucked and he crumpled to the ground.

The songs. They were so beautiful.

The songs made him smile one last time. - I like this.

Sorry I got a little rushed at the end. I'm running late for my class. I hope my thoughts and comments were helpful. You've got a very good start. Make sure the story flows. Read and reread it aloud to yourself to make sure it reads the way you want it to. Be brutal with yourself.

Revision is a wonderful and terrible process. It's great because it makes a good piece excellent - but it's terrible because it's a different kind of creative. It's not the thrilling rush of spilling out an idea on paper. Instead it's the long process of going back through and straightening, ironing and maintaining. But it's necessary. Don't give up. Force yourself to sit down and do it. It's a struggle I have too, which is one reason I joined this board. ^_^ I need lots of practice myself, as you can probably tell.

Anywho, I look forward to see what you do with this!

[Ace]

I forgot to address one of your sticking points (I must have erased that instead of your short intro):

The short sentences: I used short sentences (in contrast to my usually long, comma'd sentences that are found in most of my stories) because it goes along with the man noticing things. When I notice something, I notice one thing, stop, then notice another thing, stop, etc. Perhaps when he gets afraid of the people things will flow more because his adrenaline is rushing and he is noticing many things very quickly, which I should change, but that is why I like the short sentences.

I will follow your advice, read it a few times, then re-write the story. I'll see what I come up with and see if it fits more to your... well, not liking, but a word short of "expertise", if you will.

[Nighteyes5678]

I know what you're saying with the short sentences, Ace. I always struggle with the right cadence in my stories, personally. I know what short sentences can really give you the feel you're looking at, but you have to be careful to make sure that they still flow. In my experience (limited as it may be), that technique is most effective when used sparingly for emphases. Or maybe that's what I tell myself to justify my sucking at the practice entirely. ^_^