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Thread: $40 in happiness

  1. #1
    Registered User
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    Feb 2008

    $40 in happiness

    Read me my runes
    show me Im doomed
    waxing on like this
    simply ridiculous

    show me in cards
    death, fool, spades, clubbed
    make me a believer

    a fortune in fate
    show me my sins gypsy
    be my judge

    love, money, ego, hate
    I can hardly wait
    the next card
    and the next

    the next stone thrown
    its easier than waiting
    for actual fate to take its course

    Impatient to see the end
    like reading from back to front
    this is just another font

    Tell me Iíll wed
    Tell me which bed
    Point the course
    be my compass

    Iíll buy my happiness for 20 more dollars
    Flip another card

  2. #2
    Not politically correct Pendragon's Avatar
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    Aug 2005
    Blue Ridge Mountains, SW VA
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    This one has great potential, it has one problem. A poem should rhyme or not rhyme. It should not do both, except in very strict form poetry, where there is an acknowledged break for the unrhymed section, (that was the last contest which I won. We are doing Villanelles for this contest which ends March 17th. Details on the Poetry Games and Contests page. Feel free to enter either contest!)

    You started with rhyme, perhaps stick with it throughout?
    Some of us laugh
    Some of us cry
    Some of us smoke
    Some of us lie
    But it's all just the way
    that we cope with our lives...

  3. #3
    Something's gotta give PrinceMyshkin's Avatar
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    Jun 2007
    Montreal, QC
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    Reluctantly, I agree with Pendragon, that if you start with rhyme you've pretty well made a contract with the reader which you break at the risk of losing his or her trust in you. I could imagine a poem in which the theme is something like the breakdown of reason or order, underlined by a shift from rhyme and measured lines to free verse. On the other hand I think one can go from free verse to rhyming couplets, say, at the end, for emphasis.

    I said "reluctantly" because apart from that I like this so much. It owes nothing to any other poem I've encountered.
    "You must be the change you want to see in the world." Gandhi

  4. #4
    Inexplicably Undiscovered
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    Jun 2007
    next door to the lady in the vinegar bottle
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    At such times when yours truly has attempted to rhyme her free verse, the piece was vilified! (Never on the LitNet,though!) The problem is that rhyme and meter are supposed to go hand in hand. In other words, in end rhyme, the rhyming words both have to be stressed syllables.

    Really awkward constructions arise when the meter is fractured for the sake of rhyme.
    (This is a general statement, and needn't necessarily apply to the piece which opened this thread.)

    Just an aside, because this is a fallacy that appears now and again: "blank verse" is NOT the same as "free verse."
    Blank verse is unrhymed iambic pentameter (a la Shakespeare.)

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