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Thread: intro only--should I continue?

  1. #1

    intro only--should I continue?

    Here is the intro to a story I wrote for English--the rest isn't that good cause I had to rush it, so I'm not posting it. I just want to know if its good enough to continue it in this vein--I've got some good ideas...


    A chill mist hung low in the air, nearly scraping the ground. It spread across the floor like a living slime, heavy and unearthly. Slowly filling the chamber with its pale silence, the fog seemed to faintly glow. Its thick tendrils reached along the edges of the roughly hewn granite slabs lining the chamber, licking the rough, dark surfaces stained black with blood. The granite rose up, up, up, leaning menacingly over the fog like many of the cruel dromir had over their charges. The gigantic monolithic blocks were large enough to have each been a mountain in their previous lives, before being ripped from their natural home and forced to bear silent witness to the horrors that took place within the chamber.

    There, within the enormous chamber, was one man. Though the man had become such a shell of a human, it was hard to categorize his actions as being. He rather was simply alive because it was the will of his cruel overlords. He lay as though dead, held with chains that were driven into the floor with thick nails, cruel-looking things that looked like instruments of war rather than restraints. A single source of light existed, a lone shaft of light that shone through the remote ceiling and perfectly lit the hollow man, whose sanity had long ago been driven from him. This light shone upon him, never wavering, never decreasing in intensity; it shone on him like a prophetic vision.

    The broken man lie sprawled face down, nearly choking on the encroaching fog. He did not rise, or even move, because it would be more painful to attempt to move than it would to slowly drown in the fog. He heard hushed whispering and soft footsteps, quiet avalanches of sound that were muffled by the fog and amplified by the granite, echoing and bouncing so that even several footsteps created a maddening, cacophonic chorus of sound. The sounds of the scrape of cloth on boulder and tension were deafening. It hovered closer and closer to the broken creature, as its owner drifted near. The cloaked figure stopped stooped over the wretched thing, whipping its head around to the black door of the chamber, outlined in the dimmest light in the far-off distance that were the chamber's walls. Its lithe, quick form scooped up the man, the restraints crumbling away like plaster.

    The door screamed off in the distance along the outer edges of the chamber, and light shoved the darkness out of the way like an unruly child, destroying the sanctity and security the darkness offered and instead filling it with a burning nakedness that left all questions answered in its wake. A human shadow filled the immense doorway, foreboding, and with it bringing a terror dark and unimaginable, far worse than the light. Its head turned to the circle where the man was kept, but the man was gone, as was the cloaked form; only the shattered remains of the steel remained.

    And in his place, lay a single rose petal.

  2. #2
    Bull****
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    You're style is very descriptive, which in and of itself isn't a bad thing. But you need to watch out for the by-products of extensive description, and that is tell, which you never wanna have much of in a short story (and you have tons).

    That being said, I don't think this idea is going to fit into a short story. You've just setup a story and style that won't fit down to size; basically, you've just started a novel, if you were to follow it through.

    You have a talent in setting atmosphere and creating a foreboding element, and those two things can go a long way. Just try and whittle away the excess, if you know what I mean. One thing though, don't use a rose petal. For the love of god, you've already reminded the reader of Citizen Kane, and you don't want to associate with that league, at least not yet, haha.

    Good job though, you've set up something pretty interesting.

  3. #3
    Thanks for the feedback...I guess I should have posted it somewhere else; I mean to develop it into a novella not a SS, but I wasn't thinking because it was originally a SS intro.

    And yeah, I plan on taking out the rose petal thing for exactly what you said--the only reason I put it in there was because we had just seen Cit. Kane and my teacher was having moviegasms over it--I put it in to mess with her, mostly. (nice call though on the symbol though)

  4. #4
    Cat Person DickZ's Avatar
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    You have an impressive way with words, drake, so I hope you'll continue this. It doesn't really matter whether it's called a novella or a short story or what. You choose your words and put them together much better than most of your contemporaries. Since you're still in school, you have a good headstart on this writing thing.

    Keep it up. But I'd suggest that in the future, you don't include cute little side notes about how you're "messing with your teacher." Things like that have a way of becoming obvious, even without your pointing them out, and they don't really add much. In fact, they detract quite a bit from the great first impression that your writing makes.
    Last edited by DickZ; 02-08-2008 at 09:37 AM.

  5. #5
    Thanks DickZ, I realized that about my comment about my teacher. Thanks for your praise as well.

  6. #6
    Villainous Homyrrh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DickZ View Post
    You have an impressive way with words, drake, so I hope you'll continue this. It doesn't really matter whether it's called a novella or a short story or what. You choose your words and put them together much better than most of your contemporaries. Since you're still in school, you have a good headstart on this writing thing.

    Keep it up. But I'd suggest that in the future, you don't include cute little side notes about how you're "messing with your teacher." Things like that have a way of becoming obvious, even without your pointing them out, and they don't really add much. In fact, they detract quite a bit from the great first impression that your writing makes.
    An educator, no doubt?

    But yes, I speak from solid experience; spotting a good composition of any sort is oft soiled by humor relevant on a personal level rather than that necessary to elements of the work.

    And our woes are mutual. Apologies for not noticing the name, but the initial post was spot-on; SHOW, don't TELL. Ever. Interpret accordingly.

    Cool beans in any case.
    Plainview: Drainage! Drainage, Eli! Drained dry, you boy! If you have a milkshake and I have a milkshake and I have a straw and my straw reaches across the room and starts to drink your milkshake. I drink your milkshake! I drink it up!

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