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Thread: Aaron

  1. #1
    Freak Ingenu Countess's Avatar
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    Aaron

    This is typical Tanya, run-on hip-hop rhythmic release of carnal combustion.

    I need an affair; my poet’s heart is sleeping still,
    Below the window sill upon the pale white bed,
    White like doves in winter, like icy frills
    We dread, those jagged wide-set teeth,
    Which hang from rain-stained smiles
    below mossy tiles upon cold heads -

    I caught site of him from behind
    His back, all dressed in black,
    Fat boots and a tight Mohawk -
    His face an upside down
    gambrel roofed home
    with two amber windows
    And a French styled red door.

    Austere and delicate,
    A virtual tabula rasa upon which
    To write or read. Avicenna believed
    Empiricism and Syllogism
    Were the minds methods -
    But I know better: it is experience
    Which breeds the soul black or white.

    What, then, shall I write,
    With these wan gray hands
    That long to linger on 135
    degree isoceles right
    of chiseled steel,
    to feel moist zephrys
    Escape from behind closed doors?

    A Victorian novel of intrigue
    Perhaps, for the coffee table
    Though for the art of uncensored
    Decadence I’d sacrifice my body
    to the cause - and pen a poem
    Or two in the glowing aftermath,
    With faint cherry hued cheeks
    And the darling asleep beside me
    On my newly warmed divan.
    Last edited by Countess; 01-07-2008 at 03:04 PM.
    Madness is my defense against Reality.

  2. #2
    Something's gotta give PrinceMyshkin's Avatar
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    A wonderful outpouring of honest-to-God, no-nonsense carnality! (I mean no irony here.) The images cut and burn, but I would cut the authorial intrusion of
    Quote Originally Posted by Countess View Post
    - symbolizing death.
    And would end here:

    And the darling asleep beside me
    On my newly warmed divan.
    It is implicit - and I believe more powerful - that the "newly warmed divan" is an imagined one, a feverishly imagined one. The lines after it are an example of telling rather than showing.

  3. #3
    Ruadh gu brath ampoule's Avatar
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    Well, ms. typical Tanya, if I may, nice release.
    I'm in love with The Vinegar Man and Mr. Tanner, but be careful, it could just as easily be you.

    "If you're going to write you better have somewhere to come from." Flannery O'Connor

  4. #4
    feathers firefangled's Avatar
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    Countess, it is good to see you back in this thread. This does move and sound like an internal carnal-combustion stream engine. Very powerful.

    I like it, but I would also like it if it ended with "divan." I'm not sure I will explain my feeling correctly here, but the poem's persona is so strong to that point, I almost don't believe the last two lines. I certainly felt, "hey, that shouldn't happen!"

  5. #5
    Freak Ingenu Countess's Avatar
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    Thank you Ampoule for the compliment, and thank-you PM and FF - both of whom I greatly admire - for your suggestions. I will edit straight away and see if leaving off altogether maintains tempo or if I need something else or more.
    I really do appreciate it when people make suggestions. Compliments are wonderful, but without feedback, I don't know what to fix. I don't know if poets are capable of objectively editing their own sentiment - because poetry is the stronghold of subjective experience. It's hard to perform open-heart surgery on yourself or to operate on, er, *other* parts.
    Madness is my defense against Reality.

  6. #6
    Something's gotta give PrinceMyshkin's Avatar
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    A comment I've hesitated to make has to do with the name that you use given the sexual theme of the poem. Might it not summon the image of the biblical Aaron and the rod that turned into a serpent? I hope you don't intend that association because there'd be something a bit smirky about it.

  7. #7
    Ruadh gu brath ampoule's Avatar
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    never thought of him once while reading. i only thought of her Aaron. gotta get out of the bible.
    I'm in love with The Vinegar Man and Mr. Tanner, but be careful, it could just as easily be you.

    "If you're going to write you better have somewhere to come from." Flannery O'Connor

  8. #8
    Something's gotta give PrinceMyshkin's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ampoule View Post
    never thought of him once while reading. i only thought of her Aaron. gotta get out of the bible.
    Colour me dirty!

  9. #9
    Freak Ingenu Countess's Avatar
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    Oooh dear. No, I was talking about the boy himself - oh dear. A rod into a serpent! That's naughty, PM! Shame, shame!
    Madness is my defense against Reality.

  10. #10
    Internal nebulae TheFifthElement's Avatar
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    Countess, this is a brilliant poem, I love it! Great use of alliteration, and a theme that kind of runs away with you (or you hope it will ). There are so many great lines here, I especially liked these :


    White like doves in winter, like icy frills
    We dread, those jagged wide teeth,
    Which hang from rain-stained smiles
    below mossy tiles upon cold heads -

    - symbolizing death.

    His face an upside down
    gambrel roofed home
    with two amber windows
    And a French styled red door.
    But I know better: it is experience
    Which breeds the soul black or white.
    amen to that!

    Though for the art of uncensored
    Decadence I’d sacrifice my body
    to the cause - and pen a poem
    Or two in the glowing aftermath,
    I'd have to agree with Firefangled and PM that the poem seems to naturally end at 'newly warmed divan' - the suggestion that he walked away before all that fire could be released leaves me shouting 'NO'!

    But then it should end as you see fit, the poets word is law on this.

    All in all a very enjoyable read, thanks for sharing Countess.
    Want to know what I think about books? Check out https://biisbooks.wordpress.com/

  11. #11
    Freak Ingenu Countess's Avatar
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    Thanks Fifth! I will make the change, and let it rest.
    Madness is my defense against Reality.

  12. #12
    Something's gotta give PrinceMyshkin's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Countess View Post
    Thanks Fifth! I will make the change, and let it rest.
    But are you reconciled to the change? Do you see how it leaves us so poignantly in the depth of that fantasy? The whole of the fantasy lingers in the mind for a while this way.

  13. #13
    laudator temporis acti andave_ya's Avatar
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    Goodness! carnal combustion? I knew something went over my head. .
    "The time has come," the Walrus said,
    "To talk of many things:
    Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--
    Of cabbages--and kings--
    And why the sea is boiling hot--
    And whether pigs have wings."

  14. #14
    Freak Ingenu Countess's Avatar
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    I am Prince and yes, it makes sense/is better, but it did inspire me to write something else - I just haven't had time to sit down and write it yet.
    Madness is my defense against Reality.

  15. #15
    Not politically correct Pendragon's Avatar
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    Exclamation

    And here I thought you wanted to write that epic ghost poem! Ooooh, t'would be a chilly partner to paramour with for the sake of a poem, non? This one dances through images that sometimes fool the reader as to where the poem is going but I agree with the others that the "nicely warmed divan" is where it must end. You have said what your heart pours out and in mental state anyway Arron has been wooed, and known your embrace, so the poem concludes. Naughty but nice!
    Some of us laugh
    Some of us cry
    Some of us smoke
    Some of us lie
    But it's all just the way
    that we cope with our lives...

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