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Thread: Life or Death?

  1. #1
    Manny2
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    Life or Death?

    cruel pain shooting through you
    piercing needles through your layers of skin
    into the vein pops a hole
    to flow those fluids in you

    laying there looking around
    in a dazed confusion
    of who you are, where you are
    everythings a blur

    Wheeled around the white room
    into a room with men dressed in blue
    sewing up the holes in your body
    to stop the blood flowing out to the floor

    watching the machines carefully
    the beeps at a steady pace
    all the sudden dropping to nothing
    a flat line soon to come

    all that work done
    for nothing
    this body lays emotionless
    sewed up and ready to go
    only to the morgue.
    Last edited by manny2; 11-06-2007 at 02:54 PM.
    "You may win some, you may lose some, but you'll never be there again"

  2. #2
    Ruadh gu brath ampoule's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by manny2 View Post
    this body lays emotionless
    sewed up and ready to go
    only to the morgue.
    The word emotionless changed this whole poem for me. Very interesting.
    I'm in love with The Vinegar Man and Mr. Tanner, but be careful, it could just as easily be you.

    "If you're going to write you better have somewhere to come from." Flannery O'Connor

  3. #3
    Internal nebulae TheFifthElement's Avatar
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    I agree with ampoule, the 'emotionless' point is really striking.

    I think this is a poem with great potential manny, the emotion and subject matter is very strong. I would be inclined to chop it down a little, somehow I feel that this would make it starker still, but as always with these things this is just my opinion, feel free to ignore anything which changes what the poem is to you.


    cruel pain, piercing needle
    shoots through skin layers.
    Pops a hole into your vein
    flow the fluids in.

    Look around
    in dazed confusion
    who you are, where you are
    everything's a blur

    Wheel around white room
    to a room with men in blue.
    Sew the holes in your body
    stop the blood flow to the floor.

    Watch the machines,
    beep at steady pace.
    A sudden drop,
    a flat line.

    All for nothing,
    this body emotionless.
    Sewed up,
    morgue-ready.
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  4. #4
    Manny2
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    i do like your version of it, its very intense... ill probably end up throwing some of what you have into it : )
    "You may win some, you may lose some, but you'll never be there again"

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