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Thread: Tell Me A Joke

  1. #91
    Good morning, Campers! Jay's Avatar
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    The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

    Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

    The skin was moist and dry.

    Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

    She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

    Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

    The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

    I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

    The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

    Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

    Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

    She is numb from her toes down.

    Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

    While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

    The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

    The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

    Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

    Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

    Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.

    Patient was alert and unresponsive.

    When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

    I have a plan: attack!

  2. #92
    Worthless Hack Zippy's Avatar
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    Two statues - one of a naked man and the other of a naked woman - stood facing each other in a park for a hundred years.
    One day an angel appears and brings them to life. The angel says, "God has granted me permission to give you life for the next 30 minutes. During that time you can do anything your heart desires, whatever you have been most longing for during your time as statues."
    The statues smile at one another and jump down from their pedistals. They hold hands and hop-off happily behind a nearby bush.
    The angel watches bemused as the bushes rustle and the air is filled with the sound of laughter. After 15 minutes the statues reappear, still holding hands and looking happier than ever.
    "You still have 15 minutes left," says the angel. "What do you want to do?"
    The woman statue smiles sheepishly and says to the male statue, "Do you fancy doing it again?"
    The male statue grins, and after a moment says, "Well...okay. But this time you hold down the pigeon and I'll crap on it's head."

  3. #93
    Good morning, Campers! Jay's Avatar
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    LMAO!!!
    I have a plan: attack!

  4. #94
    Super papayahed's Avatar
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    What did the cannibal's wife give her husband when he came home late for dinner?
    The cold shoulder.
    Do, or do not. There is no try. - Yoda


  5. #95
    Good morning, Campers! Jay's Avatar
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    Oprah Winfrey virus:
    Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

    AT&T virus:
    Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

    MCI virus:
    Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

    Politically Correct virus:
    Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

    Arnold Schwarzenegger virus:
    Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

    Government Economist virus:
    Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

    New World Order virus:
    Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

    Federal Bureaucrat virus:
    Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

    Texas virus:
    Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

    Adam and Eve virus:
    Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

    Congressional virus:
    The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

    Airline virus:
    You're in Dallas but your data is in Singapore.

    Freudian virus:
    Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying to its own motherboard.

    Public Television virus:
    Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

    Elvis virus:
    Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

    Nike virus:
    Just does it.

    Congressional virus #2:
    Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

    Star Trek virus:
    Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

    Health Care virus:
    Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
    Last edited by Jay; 12-08-2005 at 04:19 PM.
    I have a plan: attack!

  6. #96
    Lady of Smilies Nightshade's Avatar
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    Now that would be telling it, wouldnt it?
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    ROFLOL
    *g*
    My mission in life is to make YOU smile
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    "The time has come," the Walrus said,"To talk of many things:

    Forum Rules- You know you want to read 'em

    |Litnet Challange status = 5/260
    |currently reading

  7. #97
    Super papayahed's Avatar
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    Why did the chicken cross the playground?
    To get to the other slide.
    Do, or do not. There is no try. - Yoda


  8. #98
    Lady of Smilies Nightshade's Avatar
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    Now that would be telling it, wouldnt it?
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    Why didnt the ghost go to the dance?
    because it had no body to go with.
    My mission in life is to make YOU smile
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    "The time has come," the Walrus said,"To talk of many things:

    Forum Rules- You know you want to read 'em

    |Litnet Challange status = 5/260
    |currently reading

  9. #99
    Super papayahed's Avatar
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    How do you make a Tissue dance?
    You put a little boogy in it.
    Do, or do not. There is no try. - Yoda


  10. #100
    Lady of Smilies Nightshade's Avatar
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    what did the cow say when it saw the balloon?
    Moo
    My mission in life is to make YOU smile
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    "The time has come," the Walrus said,"To talk of many things:

    Forum Rules- You know you want to read 'em

    |Litnet Challange status = 5/260
    |currently reading

  11. #101
    now then ;)
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    What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a sheep?
    A wooly jumper


    Did you hear about the wooden car?
    It wooden go
    There once was a scotsman named Drew
    Who put too much wine in his stew
    He felt a bit drunk
    And fell off his bunk
    And landed smack into his shoe
    ~(C) Ms Niamh Anne King

  12. #102
    Worthless Hack Zippy's Avatar
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    What do you call a fly with no wings?
    A walk.

  13. #103
    Serendipity! Kaltrina's Avatar
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    Letter requesting for "Software support" on "Personal Computers"

    Dear (IT) Technical Support:

    I am desperate for some help. I recently upgraded from Girlfriend
    7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected child
    processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
    This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In addition Wife 1.0
    installs itself into all other programs and launches during system
    initialization where it monitors all other system activity.

    Applications such as Boys Night Out 2.5, and Golf 5.3 no longer run
    and crash the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate
    Saturday-Rugby6.3 always fails but Saturday-Shopping 7.1 runs instead !

    I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting
    to run any of my favorite applications.
    I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but uninstall
    doesn't work on this program. Can you please help.

    Joe

    Reply from Technical Support

    Dear Joe,

    This is a very common problem resulting from a basic is understanding. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its creator to run everything. You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0 as Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this and it is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the system once installed.

    Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but
    have ended up with even more problems. (See in manual under
    alimony/Child Support and Solicitors Fees).

    Having Wife 1.0 installed myself I recommend you keep it installed
    and deal with the difficulties as best you can.

    When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused
    them, you must run the


    C: \I APOLOGISE program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-key.

    It may be necessary to run C:\I APOLOGISE a number of times but
    hopefully eventually the operating system will return to normal.

    Wife 1.0 although a very high maintenance program can be very
    rewarding. To get the most out of it consider buying additional
    software such as Flowers 2.0 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not under any
    circumstances install Secretary (Short Skirt version) as this is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly crash.

    Regards,

    Technical support

    Have a nice day

  14. #104
    Serendipity! Kaltrina's Avatar
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    One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him." So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me sir," he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!" The second man turns around and says "Yeah, I noticed the same thing, where you from?", "I'm from Dublin", second man stunned says, "Me too! What street do you live on?", "McCarthy street", second man replies, "Me too! What number is it?", the first man announces, "162", second man shocked says, "Me too! What are your parents names?", first man replies, "Connor and Shannon", second man awestruck says, "Mine too! This is unbelievable!"
    So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks "What's new today?" "Oh, the Murphy twins are drunk again."
    One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him." So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me sir," he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!" The second man turns around and says "Yeah, I noticed the same thing, where you from?", "I'm from Dublin", second man stunned says, "Me too! What street do you live on?", "McCarthy street", second man replies, "Me too! What number is it?", the first man announces, "162", second man shocked says, "Me too! What are your parents names?", first man replies, "Connor and Shannon", second man awestruck says, "Mine too! This is unbelievable!"
    So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks "What's new today?" "Oh, the Murphy twins are drunk again."

  15. #105
    Serendipity! Kaltrina's Avatar
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    A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for people like you." "Oh, great," he said, "What is it?" "It's called the door!"

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