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Thread: Tell Me A Joke

  1. #781
    Super papayahed's Avatar
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    Who is the largest Sir?

    Sir Cumfrence, because he has all the pie.
    Do, or do not. There is no try. - Yoda


  2. #782
    Vincit Qui Se Vincit Virgil's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Maryd. View Post
    Hey Virg, loved this one... You have me rolling over in fits.
    Glad you liked it Mary. It had me laughing out loud when i saw it.
    LET THERE BE LIGHT

    "Love follows knowledge." – St. Catherine of Siena

    My literature blog: http://ashesfromburntroses.blogspot.com/

  3. #783
    Phil Captain Pike's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Virgil View Post
    Just came across this one. Just too good not to post,

    The Older Woman

    'I ended up with an older woman at a club last
    night. She looked OK for a 57-year-old.
    In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found
    myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.

    We drank a bit, had a bit of a snuggle, and she
    asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.

    'What's that?' I asked.

    'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

    I said, 'No' - excitedly.

    We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was
    'my lucky night'.

    She asked me back to her place. When we got there
    she put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:
    'Mom, you still awake?'
    Toward the end, I saw this one coming, but it was hilarious, -- P.

    Ничего нет лучше для исправления, как прежнее с раскаянием вспомнить.

  4. #784
    Don't worry, Be Happy
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    Well, I made this up hearing another joke of similar kind. It is just for laughs and hope it remains just that way. You may edit the joke and punch line because it has not still come out nicely.
    ================================================== ===============================

    When Tim visited Jim, he saw a big strange bird in his garden. On a closer look, he found it was a young healthy rooster that has grown up to the size of ostrich.

    Tim: Hey, from where did you get it?
    Jim (pointing to an old non-descript lamp): Oh! It is courtesy of the Genie from this lamp.

    On further query, Jim explained: Well, this is a magic lamp. If a person polishes it, a Genie comes out from this lamp and fulfills the first wish of that person. I have got this bird as fulfillment of my wish

    As Jim’s wish was already fulfilled, Tim excitedly takes the lamp from Jim and rushes back to his home.

    He closes all doors and windows of his house and draws in all curtains on the windows. He switches on music in low volume, and then in the semi darkened room, rubs the lamp with his finest cloth. There is a big sound and a big Genie stands bowing before him, requesting him to make a wish.

    ‘Give me two sexy sirens, one dark and the other one fair’

    Again there is a big sound in the room and room is instantaneously filled with smoke. When the smoke clears, Tim sees in the center of the room, two statues of beautiful, shapely women, both fully naked, one dark and the other one fair. He presses the nipple of one of the statue beneath which was engraved-Press Me.

    A loud and long siren suddenly rings out from the mouth of that statue.

    Aghast, cheated, feeling like a person who has missed a million dollar opportunity just by a whisker, he trudges back to his friend’s house.

    Jim was in his garden, feeding his big rooster.

    Hearing Tim’s story, he sighed and said , ‘ Actually, you went from here in a tearing hurry without fully listening to me. I was trying to warn you that the Genie of this lamp has a very limited knowledge of English and you have to be very careful with your words.’

    Pointing to his bird, he added ruefully,’ Do you think I really wanted this, when I asked Genie to give me a very big and strong c***.
    Last edited by laidbackperson; 02-07-2010 at 02:16 AM.

  5. #785
    Registered User Olga4real's Avatar
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    Talking Tell us a joke!

    I was thinking how nice it is to talk to intelligent people, like all people on this site. I am sure that most of you have a good sense of humour.
    Plus every culture has it's special unique humour. So I would like to invite all of you to post some jokes or funny stories, which happened to you.
    "Where love is there God is also".
    Leo Tolstoy

  6. #786
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    I don't know any tasteful jokes.

  7. #787
    Registered User Olga4real's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mutatis-Mutandi View Post
    I don't know any tasteful jokes.
    Tell a tasteless in other words
    "Where love is there God is also".
    Leo Tolstoy

  8. #788
    Registered User Emil Miller's Avatar
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    I quite like this one.

    The latest reports from the Internal Revenue service shows that it has streamlined its tax form this year.
    It goes like this:
    A. How much did you make last year?
    B. How much do you have left?
    C. Send B.

    Here's another:

    A man called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

    "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

    Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

    Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest.

    "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."

    The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?!"

    "Simple", replied the Priest...

    "It doesn't matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!"
    "L'art de la statistique est de tirer des conclusions erronèes a partir de chiffres exacts." Napoléon Bonaparte.

    "Je crois que beaucoup de gens sont dans cet état d’esprit: au fond, ils ne sentent pas concernés par l’Histoire. Mais pourtant, de temps à autre, l’Histoire pose sa main sur eux." Michel Houellebecq.

  9. #789
    Registered User keilj's Avatar
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    saw a pretty funny one on a bumper sticker:


    "Encyclopedia for sale. Wife knows everything"

  10. #790
    BadWoolf JuniperWoolf's Avatar
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    The bartender says "we don't serve time travellers here." A time traveller walks into a bar.
    __________________
    "Personal note: When I was a little kid my mother told me not to stare into the sun. So once when I was six, I did. At first the brightness was overwhelming, but I had seen that before. I kept looking, forcing myself not to blink, and then the brightness began to dissolve. My pupils shrunk to pinholes and everything came into focus and for a moment I understood. The doctors didn't know if my eyes would ever heal."
    -Pi


  11. #791
    TobeFrank Paulclem's Avatar
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    Two yoghurts were arrested for fighting yesterday.

    They were charged with fromage affray.

  12. #792
    Registered User billl's Avatar
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    A sailor gets shipwrecked, and the only other survivor from the luxury cruise is Megan Fox. They have some food and various containers of various supplies, and are doing OK. They get to know each other pretty well after a week or so. Very well indeed.... Very VERY well...

    Then, one night, the sailor begins to make some unusual requests just as the sun is going down, and they're settling in for another campfire on the beach.

    "Megan," he says, "would you mind wearing this sailor's uniform that I found in a crate?" He offers her a uniform, exactly like the one he's been wearing all week.

    "Sure!" she says. "Why not, we're going to have to make do, after all, and I don't have much of my own." She puts on the uniform, slowly, sensually, letting him enjoy her journey through levels of undress along the way.

    "Great!" he says, "Fantastic.... And, um, could I maybe get you to wear this sailor's cap?"

    "Uh, sure," she says. "If you want. It's cute, I guess."

    "Perfect!" he says! She senses something is odd. He is really beaming at her, now. He goes on:

    "Megan, um, would it be all right if I called you Steve, in-instead of Megan?"

    Megan looked at him, and her jaw dropped. This was pretty weird... She wasn't too excited about it--but then again, she understood that they might be together for a while on this island, and maybe variety is the spice of life... but still, it wasn't what she... oh, what the heck--

    "Sure," she finally agreed, "You can call me Steve."

    The sailor's eyes widened impressively and he erupted in ecstasy: "Steve, man! You'll never believe who I'm f***ing!!!"

  13. #793
    Registered User prendrelemick's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JuniperWoolf View Post
    The bartender says "we don't serve time travellers here." A time traveller walks into a bar.


  14. #794
    Registered User billl's Avatar
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    Hey, Mick--get a load of Juniper's joke!

  15. #795
    Registered User Olga4real's Avatar
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    Thank you for jokes Brian Bean, your both jokes made me laugh!
    I also liked joke about wife, who knows everything, posted by keilj.
    JuniperWoolf thank you for time traveller.
    Paulclem I laughed imagining your fighting yoghurts.
    Thank you Billl for your sailor joke I liked it!

    Here is mine, I heard it today and I hope I translated it correctly.

    An ancient Roman coin was found with the following date on it '612 BC '
    "Where love is there God is also".
    Leo Tolstoy

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