Tell Me A Joke

[jekan blazer]

2 men are in a bar on the 50th floor of a fancy hotel...


without warning, man #1 jumps out of a window.....





...only to land right back on the ledge of the window he jumped out of two minutes later!!!

man #2 says, " what the hell?!?!?!? how the f*** did you do that?!?!"

man #1 got all scientific about aerodynamics....

man #2 says, "your full of $h!t!!!"

man #1 said, "fine... you dont believe me? try it..."

being drunk and all.... man #2 listens and jumps...


only to hit the sidewalk at full speed....


man #1 said "lummox.... oy! gimme another beer!"

the bartender shook his head and stated, "Superman... you can be a real a$$hole when you're drunk..."

Superman only grunted....

[laidbackperson]

Four men were chatting in the train:

1st Man: I am a Brigadier. I am married. I have three sons. All of them are laywers.

2nd Man: Strange. I too am Brigadier. I too am married. I too have three sons. But all of them are Engineers.

3rd Man: Very strange. I too am Brigadier. I too am married. I too have three sons. But all of them are Doctors.

The 4th man was squirming uneasily. But on the persuasion of other three persons, he said: See, I am not a Brigadier. I am not even married. But I have three sons, and all of them are Brigadiers.

[laidbackperson]

Two new Ghosts were talking after their deaths as human beings.

First Ghost: How did you die?

Second Ghost: I died of extreme cold. And how did you die?

First Ghost: I died of shame. I felt so ashamed of myself that I killed myself with a gun.

Second Ghost: Will you explain in detail.

First Ghost: Well, I was suspicious that my wife is having an illicit affair. So one day I hid behind my house. Sometime later, I heard the voices of my wife and a man. So I rushed to the front door and banged it hard to be opened. My wife opened it shortly. I rushed inside and checked thorughly the whole house for two hours. But I could not find anyone. My wife was giving me strange looks, and suddenly I felt such shame that I put my gun in my head and Bang...

Second Ghost: You fool!... If only you had the sense to look inside the refrigerator, we both would have been alive today.

[Delta40]

A rabbit hops into a bar and asks the barman: 'Can I have a cheese toastie please?'

the barman gets him the toastie, the rabbit pays for it, munches it down and hops out.

the next day, the same rabbit hops back in and asks the barman: 'Can I have a cheese toastie please?'

the barman grunts but gets him the toastie and the rabbit pays, eats and hops out.

This happens every day for a week where the rabbit orders a cheese toastie.

On the eighth day the rabbit comes in and asks the barman: 'Can I have a cheese toastie please?'

The barman replies 'We're out of cheese. We've only got bacon today'

the rabbit isn't fazed and hops up and down happily 'I'll have a bacon toastie then'

The barman gives him a bacon toastie where the rabbit pays and eats it then suddenly turns blue and drops dead at the bar.

The barman calls the vet who does a quick autopsy.

'what did he die of doc?' asks the barman as the vet solemnly shakes his head

Mixamatoasties

[Virgil]

How to Make a Woman Happy


It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:



1. a friend
2 a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food
&
beer

[1n50mn14]

^__^! I always bring food and beer and may or may not end up naked eventually I've got it covered.

[Virgil]

^__^! I always bring food and beer and may or may not end up naked eventually I've got it covered.

OK.

[mmaria]

A Marriage Advertisment

I am ugly, old, financially broken, I would marry a woman with the opposite properties.

[JuniperWoolf]

Q. What is an insomniac dyslexic agnostic?
A. Someone who stays up all night and wonders if there is a dog.

[prendrelemick]

I am an accountant so this is allowed

What's the definition of unlikely?
A photo-spread in Playboy titled 'The World's Top Accountants - Nude!'

The accountant was visiting the Museum of Natural History and said to the person standing next to him, "That dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old."

"How did you get such exact information?"

"I was here ten months ago and the guide said the dinosaur was two billion years old."


Why do accountants get excited on Saturdays?
They can wear casual clothes to work

Told to me by an accountant, so this is allowed too.

How do accountants relieve constipation?
.
.
.
.
.
They work it out with a pencil.

(sorry)

[laidbackperson]

Although I am a big admirer of Mahatma Gandhi, I could not help but laugh remembering the following joke cracked by a student onstage during our annual college festival.

Question: What was common between Gandhi and bra?
Answer: They both helped for the upliftment of downtrodden masses.

[2ndblogger]

I will start!

My favorite quote:

"Don't judge a Book if you are not a Judge"

More Jokes!!

TEACHER: Who is your favorite author?
PUPIL: George Washington.
TEACHER: But George Washington never wrote any books.
PUPIL: You got it.

LIBRARIAN: Why don't you take home a Dr. Seuss?
PUPIL: I didn't know he made house calls.

TEACHER: How many books did you finish over the summer?
PUPIL: None. My brother stole my box of crayons.

TEACHER: How many books have you read in your lifetime?
PUPIL: I don't know. I'm not dead yet.

TEACHER: What did you learn from your history book about Harriet Beecher Stowe?
PUPIL: If you draw a beard and a stovepipe hat on her, she looks exactly like Abraham Lincoln.

TEACHER: What does your history book tell you about the Civil War?
PUPIL: It doesn't tell me anything. I have to read the dumb thing.

My father gave me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank him.

If you don't know what the word "dictionary" means,
where would you look it up?

TEACHER: Why are you holding your textbook up to the window?
PUPIL: You told me to open it up to the Middle East.

TEACHER: Where is South America?
PUPIL: I don't know.
TEACHER: Where is Greenland?
PUPIL: I don't know.
TEACHER: Where is Bulgaria?
PUPIL: I don't know.
TEACHER: Look them up in your textbook.
PUPIL: I don't know where that is, either.


Laugh on!!

[DanielBenoit]

Here's one that probably only philosophy reades will get, but anyway:

Descartes walks into a bar
He orders a drink
He gulps it down
The bartender asks 'would you like another'
He says 'I think not'
And poof he disappeared.


Probably been told a hundred times

[Virgil]

Just came across this one. Just too good not to post,

The Older Woman

'I ended up with an older woman at a club last
night. She looked OK for a 57-year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found
myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.

We drank a bit, had a bit of a snuggle, and she
asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.

'What's that?' I asked.

'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

I said, 'No' - excitedly.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was
'my lucky night'.

She asked me back to her place. When we got there
she put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:
'Mom, you still awake?'

[Maryd.]

Hey Virg, loved this one... You have me rolling over in fits.