Tell Me A Joke

[Sapphire]

Poor blondes, they always need to take the heat

How about another "misunderstanding" joke? It even has books in it

Little Johnny asked and received help from a librarian on how to use the card catalog. In a little while, he approached the librarian again, wanting to know how to spell “tequila”.
“T-e-q-u-i-l-a,” spelled the librarian, and Little Johnny thanked her and went
back to his search.
A short time later he came to the desk, looking quite distraught. “I just can’t find it,” he said.
“What book are you looking for?” the librarian asked.
Replied Little Johnny, “Tequila Mockingbird.”

ba-dum-bum chh!

[jekan blazer]

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
ba-dum-bum chh!

[jekan blazer]

Two blonde chicks were building a house together. One blonde was cutting the wood and the other was on a ladder nailing. Before hammering in a nail; the blonde on the ladder would reach into her nail pouch, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to hammer it into the wood.

The other blonde, confused, watched her do this and after she could take it no longer yelled up, “Why the %@#& are you throwing some of the nails away?!” “Whoa! Don’t yell!” the blonde on the ladder explained, “If it’s pointed toward me when I pull it out of my pouch, I throw it away. If it’s pointed toward the house, then I can use it safely! Duh!”

The second blonde became irate at this point and started to call her all kinds of names, referencing how stupid she was and how she was the reason blonde’s get a bad rap for being dumb. She explained the importance of keeping all the nails, “Don’t throw away the nails that are pointed toward you! They’re for the other side of the house! Duh!”

ba-dum-bum chh!

[LadyW]

I love that last one Jekan. (The blonde joke.)

There were 3 nuns in the church - 2 were crying, 1 was laughing. The priest comes up to a crying nun and says "Why are you crying?" The nun replied, "I killed someone..." The priest tells her to go and drink from the holy water. Then, he goes up to the 2nd crying nun and asks her "Why are u crying?" She replies "I stole a car..." So he tells her to drink from the holy water along with the first. He then goes to the laughing nun and asks why she's laughing. She says, "I peed in the holy water."

[Sapphire]

That blind guy can not have lived long...

How about this smart duck?

A duck walks into a bar and asks "got any crackers?"
Bartender says no.
Duck walks out. Duck walks in the next day and asks, "got any crackers?"
Bartender says no. Duck walks out.
Duck walks in the next day and asks got any crackers?
Bartender says, "I told you yesterday and the day before that no! and if you ask that one more time
Ill nail your beak shut!" Duck walks out.
Duck comes back the next day and asks, "got any nails?" bar tender says no.
Duck says "good. Got any crackers?"

ba-dum-bum chh!

[jekan blazer]

haha!!!

here is another misunderstanding joke...

A traffic cop on patrol one night, watching a 35mph zone on the edge of town, suddenly saw a car come blazing by his hideout. Quickly grabbing at his radar gun, he clocked the fast moving vehicle at 87mph!

The officer took off after the speeder and soon had the car pulled over on the side of the road. Expecting trouble with such a reckless driver, the patrolman approached cautiously.

To his surprise the driver of the offending vehicle was a little old lady, barely tall enough to see over the steering wheel.

“Ma’am,” the officer began. “Do you know how fast you were going?”

“I was just getting her up around 90, I believe, officer,” the old lady answered calmly, peering up at him through her bifocals. “Why, what seems to be the problem?”

Shocked, the officer returned her comment, “What seems to be the problem? Why, this is a 35mph zone! That’s the problem. Didn’t you see the sign?”

“Oh sure,” the old lady returned, “That’s why I’m driving so fast. I’m just trying to follow it’s instruction.”

Dumbfounded, the officer was momentarily speechless.

“Just what sign are you talking about, Ma’am?” he asked, when he finally recovered.

Smiling up at the officer, the old lady placed a gentle hand on his wrist and said, “Why, the one that said ‘Speed Zone Ahead’, of course!”

ba-dum-bum chh!

[Sapphire]

Oops Here's another one:

There is an old lady driving on Interstate 22. A police car pulls her over and explains to the lady she is going 22 mph.

She said ''I know, isn''t that the speed limit? The officer said, ''No, this is interstate 22''.

The police officer looks in the back seat and there are three children looking quite ill. He asks her if they need help and she explains,

''No, we just left interstate 119.''

ba-dum-bum chh!

[laidbackperson]

I hope at least some one will laugh:

1st Man: Hey, what are you upto?
2nd Man: I am climbing up this tree to enjoy mangoes.
1st Man: But this is an apple tree.
2nd Man: So what? I am carrying mangoes up.

[Don Quixote Jr]

Tell me a joke

Here is one from the late, great Henny Youngman:
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
http://www.funny2.com/henny.htm

[timothi13]

A man walks into a bank and walks up to the teller. He looks her square in the eye and states "This is a F___K-UP!" The teller responds, "Don't you mean a stick-up?" He replies, "No I forgot my gun!"

[imthefoolonthehill]

This one I got off a video game

One atom says to another, "I think I lost an electron!"
The other atom says, "are you sure?"
The first one replies, "Yeah, I'm positive!"

[laidbackperson]

The man after his death was being taken around the Hell, to see the various types of punishments that were given there.
In one cell, persons were hanging upside down from the roof for whole day, in another persons were being belted by a salted lash, yet in another persons were being fried in boiling oil and so on.
The man shuddered as he viewed one punishment more gory than the pervious one.
Then in one cell he saw, the beautiful Marlyn Monroe dancing with an old man.
The man’s eye gleamed and he pleaded to the Hell’s attendant to let him have the punishment of the old man.

The attendant drawled: “ Man, this is not the punishment of the old man, who is Gandhi. This is the Hell’s punishment for sexy siren Maryln Monroe who is being made to dance with a no-to-sex-guy like Gandhi.”

[LostPrincess13]

I, too, got this from an online game:

Do you know what Mozart is doing right now?
He's de-composing!

[imthefoolonthehill]

I convinced two sorority girls of the truth of the following joke, which I also got from Fallout 3:

"I once knew of a crematorium which gave discounts for burn victims"

[BienvenuJDC]

A horse walks into a bar...the bartender says, "So...why the long face?"