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Thread: Tell Me A Joke

  1. #31
    Salome.. smilingtearz's Avatar
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    Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him"Rover" or "Spot."
    I call mine Sex.
    Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!"
    Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she
    looked like.
    I said, "You don't understand ...I have had Sex since I was nine
    years old."
    He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."

    When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like
    to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding
    was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole
    world revolves around Sex.
    " He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would
    not marry us in his church. I told ! him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

    When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

    One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets.
    "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV. " He called me a show off.


    When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married."
    The Judge said, "Me too!"

    Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." My case comes up next Thursday.

    Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I
    went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"
    I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely."

    And the doctor said, "Look, mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend, so get yourself a dog."

    And the gates of this Chapel were shut,
    And Thou shalt not, writ over the door:
    So I turned to the Garden of Love,
    That so many sweet flowers bore. - "The Garden of Love", William Blake.

  2. #32
    Super papayahed's Avatar
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    A couple lived on a fairly deserted country road. One rainy night around 3 am they heard a knock on their door. The huband got out of bed, looking through the peep hole he saw a man standing on his porch. "Who are you and what do you want?" the husband yelled through the door. The man on the porch yelled back "My car brokedown just down the road. I was wondering if you could give me a push". The husband told the man he couldn't help and went back to bed. Once in bed the wife asked what the yelling was about. The husband told her about the man and his car. The wife looked at her husband in disgust and reminded him of the last time her car brokedown and the help she recieved from strangers.

    Against his better judgement the man donned his robe and boots and went out to help the stranger. It was a very dark rainy night and the husband could barely see in front of him. He yelled out to the stranger "Hey buddy?" The stranger answered back "Yeah?"
    "My wife talked me into helping you, where are you I'll give you that push."

    "I'm over here on the swings" answered the man.
    Do, or do not. There is no try. - Yoda


  3. #33
    Lady of Smilies Nightshade's Avatar
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    oh wow ROFLOL that was great papaya
    sadly IM hopless at jokes
    My mission in life is to make YOU smile
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    "The time has come," the Walrus said,"To talk of many things:

    Forum Rules- You know you want to read 'em

    |Litnet Challange status = 5/260
    |currently reading

  4. #34
    Quote Originally Posted by Nightshade
    oh wow ROFLOL that was great papaya.
    Sorry, but I didn't get the joke. The stranger is on a swing set in the rain and he wants a push? How is that funny?

  5. #35
    Super papayahed's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by starrwriter
    Sorry, but I didn't get the joke. The stranger is on a swing set in the rain and he wants a push? How is that funny?
    Carp!! I forgot to mention the stranger was wearing a green shirt.
    Do, or do not. There is no try. - Yoda


  6. #36
    The Yodfather Stanislaw's Avatar
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    Poland, in the days before democracy settled down, went through times as bad as anywhere in Europe. After centuries of occupation by so many nations, being free from the Russian yoke was a weird experience; Poland emerged blinking into the bright lights of democracy and freedom.
    Of course it was not like that at all; Poles knew what freedom was, and took to it like children in a sweet shop. But there were problems, and the shortages did not disappear overnight ... So when his last light bulb burned out, Old Stefan knew he'd have to stand in line for two hours at the store (and there would probably be none left by the time he got to the front of the queue). So he went up into his attic and started rummaging around for an old oil lamp he vaguely remembered from decades ago.
    He found the old brass lamp in a corner, stained with grime of ages. He started to polish it and a Genie appeared in cloud of smoke.
    "Hello, Mortal!" said the Genie, stretching and yawning, "For releasing me I will grant you three wishes."
    The old man was astounded. But you don't live to his age in Central Europe without thinking on your feet. "I want Ghengis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his Mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, and then decide he has no argument with the Poles, and march back home."
    "No sooner said than done!" thunders the Genie. "Your second wish?"
    "Ok. I want Ghengis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his Mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, and then decide he has no argument with the Poles, and march back home."
    "Hmmm. Well, if you're sure. Your third wish?"
    "I want Ghengis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his...
    "We've done this, we've been there. What's this business about Ghengis Khan marching to Poland and turning around again?"
    The old man has a gentle smile, but there's no humour in his eyes ...
    "He has to pass through Russia six times."

    ---------------
    Stanislaw Lem
    1921 - 2006, Rest In Peace.
    "Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible"

  7. #37
    Quote Originally Posted by papayahed
    Carp!! I forgot to mention the stranger was wearing a green shirt.
    You're driving me crazy, Papayahed.

  8. #38
    Just another nerd RobinHood3000's Avatar
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    What's wrong with people in green shirts???

  9. #39
    Quote Originally Posted by RobinHood3000
    What's wrong with people in green shirts???
    They are not FUNNY.

  10. #40
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    knock knock.. whos there? Amy.. Amy who? A-mosquito just bit me... Knock Knock.. whos there? Andy ... Andy who? andy he bit me again........

  11. #41
    Quote Originally Posted by Zachisgnarly
    knock knock.. whos there? Amy.. Amy who? A-mosquito just bit me... Knock Knock.. whos there? Andy ... Andy who? andy he bit me again.
    It's nap time for you kindergarten students.

    A woman writer I know was recently asked by a reader if she was sure about some facts she included in an article. Her reply: "Do Catholic choir boys sleep with one eye open?"

    Now that's funny.

  12. #42
    Super papayahed's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by starrwriter
    It's nap time for you kindergarten students.

    A woman writer I know was recently asked by a reader if she was sure about some facts she included in an article. Her reply: "Do Catholic choir boys sleep with one eye open?"

    Now that's funny.
    I dunno, are they wearing green?
    Do, or do not. There is no try. - Yoda


  13. #43
    Lady of Smilies Nightshade's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by starrwriter
    It's nap time for you kindergarten students.

    A woman writer I know was recently asked by a reader if she was sure about some facts she included in an article. Her reply: "Do Catholic choir boys sleep with one eye open?"

    Now that's funny.
    I dont get it or if I do get it and it is what I think it is it isnt funny!
    My mission in life is to make YOU smile
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    "The time has come," the Walrus said,"To talk of many things:

    Forum Rules- You know you want to read 'em

    |Litnet Challange status = 5/260
    |currently reading

  14. #44
    now then ;)
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    A friend just e-mailed me this:

    CORPORATE ZODIAC
    Astrology tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy, and what you watch on television. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out.

    CONSULTANT/CONTRACTOR: Independent-minded, and unique of wit. You are a loser. Goddamn mercenaries like you who can't hold a steady job shouldn't be allowed to roam the earth. Everyone laughs at you behind your back.

    MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing - which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

    SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree," you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

    TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your work place. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who the heck can tell?! It is written that the Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

    ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergo dynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel..."

    ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization. Combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

    HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, AND mail a letter!

    MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/"TEAM LEADS": Catty, cutthroat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision, you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "MiddleManagers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."

    SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cutthroat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision, you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Senior Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Senior Manager."

    CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child, very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.
    There once was a scotsman named Drew
    Who put too much wine in his stew
    He felt a bit drunk
    And fell off his bunk
    And landed smack into his shoe
    ~(C) Ms Niamh Anne King

  15. #45
    Super papayahed's Avatar
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    However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel..."
    No, what?



    s10cr
    Do, or do not. There is no try. - Yoda


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