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Thread: Tell Me A Joke

  1. #16
    now then ;)
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    Patient: Doctor, I've got a lettuce growing out of my butt.
    Doctor: Don't worry thats just the tip of the iceberg
    There once was a scotsman named Drew
    Who put too much wine in his stew
    He felt a bit drunk
    And fell off his bunk
    And landed smack into his shoe
    ~(C) Ms Niamh Anne King

  2. #17
    Quote Originally Posted by Jay
    But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Lawyers are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."
    I love lawyer jokes.

    What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
    One is a scum-sucking bottom feeder. The other is a fish.

    What do you call 4 lawyers drowned in a car at the bottom of a lake?
    A good beginning.

  3. #18
    Super papayahed's Avatar
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    If you're american going into the restroom and American when you leave the restroom what are you in the restroom???

    Euro-PEE-an
    Do, or do not. There is no try. - Yoda


  4. #19
    now then ;)
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    Once upon a time there was a rich Lord, and in keeping with tradition he decided to commission an artist to paint a portrait of his wife. The Lord doesnt know much about about art but he has heard of Rembrandt and Van Gogh, so decides to hire a dutch artist to come over and do the painting.

    So the artist comes over and he introduces him to his wife. Later after his wife leaves he turns to the painter and says "Look, as you can see my wife is not the prettiest women in the world. In fact people have said that she is downright ugly. So I would appreciate it if you could paint her with sympathy."

    A couple of weeks later it is time for the unveilling and many distinguished guests are present. When the Lord removes the cover from the painting however he sees a picture of the village blacksmith with his hand down his wifes top.

    The Lord is outraged and starts berating the artist. The artist apologises and says "I'm soorry but I dont speak english good, so I look up sympathy in your dictionary. Sympathy: A strong fellow feeling in the bosom."
    There once was a scotsman named Drew
    Who put too much wine in his stew
    He felt a bit drunk
    And fell off his bunk
    And landed smack into his shoe
    ~(C) Ms Niamh Anne King

  5. #20
    Salome.. smilingtearz's Avatar
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    Thumbs up


    And the gates of this Chapel were shut,
    And Thou shalt not, writ over the door:
    So I turned to the Garden of Love,
    That so many sweet flowers bore. - "The Garden of Love", William Blake.

  6. #21
    I'm a shadow of myself adilyoussef's Avatar
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    Hi Eva! What do you have agains teachers. Hum! Any way, there are good ones. I like them. Good thread.

    Oh! life you'r but hell
    Oh! hell you'r but in me
    When I'v lost your love
    I'm lost in an ocean of destiny

  7. #22
    Salome.. smilingtearz's Avatar
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    hey cm'on i really have nothing against teachers ...i respect my teachers and... u know that i want to become one.... dont u?!

    here's another joke..

    And the gates of this Chapel were shut,
    And Thou shalt not, writ over the door:
    So I turned to the Garden of Love,
    That so many sweet flowers bore. - "The Garden of Love", William Blake.

  8. #23
    Salome.. smilingtearz's Avatar
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    Top 10 Funny Store Signs

    1.Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary, we hear you coming."
    2.Outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
    3.On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left."
    4.In a veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay!"
    5.At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don''t you will be."
    6.On the door of a computer store: "Out for a quick byte."
    7.In a restaurant window: "Don''t stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."
    8.Inside a bowling alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."
    9.In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we''ll wait."
    10.In a counselors office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    And the gates of this Chapel were shut,
    And Thou shalt not, writ over the door:
    So I turned to the Garden of Love,
    That so many sweet flowers bore. - "The Garden of Love", William Blake.

  9. #24
    Salome.. smilingtearz's Avatar
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    Ques.What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
    Ans. A pimp.

    And the gates of this Chapel were shut,
    And Thou shalt not, writ over the door:
    So I turned to the Garden of Love,
    That so many sweet flowers bore. - "The Garden of Love", William Blake.

  10. #25
    Salome.. smilingtearz's Avatar
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    Things I Learned From Movies

    1. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
    2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.

    3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

    4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

    5. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

    6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

    7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

    8. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

    9. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

    10. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.

    11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.

    12. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.

    13. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

    And the gates of this Chapel were shut,
    And Thou shalt not, writ over the door:
    So I turned to the Garden of Love,
    That so many sweet flowers bore. - "The Garden of Love", William Blake.

  11. #26
    Salome.. smilingtearz's Avatar
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    ~~continued~~

    15. All single women have a cat.

    16. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

    17. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.

    18. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

    19. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.

    20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.

    21. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.

    22. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

    23. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.

    24. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

    25. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

    26. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.

    27. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.

    28. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

    29. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

    30. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

    31. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.


    from a joke site

    And the gates of this Chapel were shut,
    And Thou shalt not, writ over the door:
    So I turned to the Garden of Love,
    That so many sweet flowers bore. - "The Garden of Love", William Blake.

  12. #27
    Salome.. smilingtearz's Avatar
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    ~~An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if the doctor is sexy keep the apple away!!

    And the gates of this Chapel were shut,
    And Thou shalt not, writ over the door:
    So I turned to the Garden of Love,
    That so many sweet flowers bore. - "The Garden of Love", William Blake.

  13. #28
    Just another nerd RobinHood3000's Avatar
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    Don't forget:

    32. Any person who is mortally wounded will necessarily cling to life long enough to deliver an emotionally profound speech. But only just.

  14. #29
    Lady of Smilies Nightshade's Avatar
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    33. peopel whose heart has stopped cabn still be resusittated up to 10 minutes later by hand.
    My mission in life is to make YOU smile
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    "The time has come," the Walrus said,"To talk of many things:

    Forum Rules- You know you want to read 'em

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  15. #30
    Salome.. smilingtearz's Avatar
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    34.A girl always finds a recorded message on the phone, from her ex-boyfriend...right when she enters home after the first date out with her new guy..!!...and the message can be the Really EMOTIONAL kinds...

    And the gates of this Chapel were shut,
    And Thou shalt not, writ over the door:
    So I turned to the Garden of Love,
    That so many sweet flowers bore. - "The Garden of Love", William Blake.

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