Tell Me A Joke

[Pendragon]

An elderly man at a small church had lost his black lab he used for duck hunting. He became downhearted and began to miss services. The Pastor of the church, noticing this, took up a special collection and bought Brother Jake a new dog.

Later, two brothers from the church went duck hunting with Brother Jake. He nailed two Mallards, and told the new dog to go get them. The dog immediately jumped out of the boat, walked on the water and got the ducks. Both of the other men went into shock.

The pastor, unable to get a straight answer out of them, went hunting with Brother Jake. When the dog walked on water, the Pastor's eyes bulged.

"Does--does he always do that?" he stuttered.

"Yes, Pastor. But if y'all couldn't afford a dog that could swim, I don't mind at all!"

[emily655321]

A very good blonde joke

Perhaps I'm blonde-at-heart, but I don't get why linking in a loop is funny.

[RobinHood3000]

The blonder you are, the longer you keep following the links...therein lies the joke.

[The Unnamable]

A man who had led an exceptionally dissolute life finally met his Day of Judgment. At the moment of his last breath, he was whisked away by Beelzebub himself and taken to the farthest limits of Hell.
“Here you will remain forever,” said Beelzebub in a surprisingly friendly tone.
The man looked around him to see a fresh green landscape brimming with tress and bushes bearing perfectly ripened fruit. The sky was the deepest blue, without a cloud in sight and carefree young beauties frolicked with a look of complete happiness on their faces.
The man was astonished. Beelzebub continued, “You may do whatever you please and partake of whatever you like. There is only one rule. You must never climb that hill.” He pointed to a verdant incline at the edge of the open meadow in which they were standing. The man continued to look astonished.
“Is something wrong?” asked Beelzebub, kindly.
“This is not what I had been told Hell would be,” the man eventually managed to stutter out.
“Yes, we do get a bad press,” said Beelzebub, “but there’s no catch – apart from that one rule, you can do whatever you wish and want for nothing for eternity.”
The man soon found that everything Beelzebub had said was true. He wanted for nothing and did whatever he pleased, whenever he pleased. [You’ll have to fill in exactly what this means yourself – just remember he was a dissolute man in a place full of beautiful women]

He had never been so happy. Humans being humans however, he couldn’t help wondering why he was not allowed to climb the hill. Inevitably, curiosity got the better of him and he climbed to the top. When he looked over to the other side he was horrified. The terrain was parched and brown and filled with people in loincloths carrying vicious whips with which they were flagellating themselves. There were scenes of terrible cruelty and torture as far as he could see. People were setting alight to themselves, eating broken glass and hammering nails through one another’s limbs. The man gasped in sheer terror. He was about to run back down the hill when Beelzebub appeared. “I did warn you,” he said, without the slightest tone of anger.
“But…but….but…what…what is it…what’s it for?” asked the man.
Beelzebub looked apologetic and replied,
“It’s for the Catholics; they insisted on it.”

What if I’d posted that in the Religious Texts section or even in the Philosophical Literature section? You see, Virgil, context is vital to meaning.

[papayahed]

I don't get it.

[RobinHood3000]

Haha, that's pretty funny.

I think it's making a crack on the insistence of Catholics on being right.

[The Unnamable]

I think it's making a crack on the insistence of Catholics on being right.

Just to clarify - I'm not picking an argument for the sake of it - I don’t think it’s so much that Catholics need to be right, - it’s more that they ‘need’ to believe in eternal damnation and the terrible punishment of sins. It’s a more extreme version of ‘Catholic guilt’. I was told the joke by a Catholic priest I met once in Dublin (in a bar).

[RobinHood3000]

Hehe...that reminds me of something that Robin Williams once said in his routine...

"I was raised Episcopal, that's Catholic 'Lite.' Same religion, half the guilt!"

[papayahed]

Just to clarify - I'm not picking an argument for the sake of it - I don’t think it’s so much that Catholics need to be right, - it’s more that they ‘need’ to believe in eternal damnation and the terrible punishment of sins. It’s a more extreme version of ‘Catholic guilt’. I was told the joke by a Catholic priest I met once in Dublin (in a bar).

oh, I always thought there were other religions higher up on the hell and damnation train then catholics.

[The Unnamable]

oh, I always thought there were other religions higher up on the hell and damnation train then catholics.

I wouldn’t let a Catholic hear you say that.

[Pendragon]

And just to clarify, Unnamable, I am a minister!

At this same small church, an elderly black man had joined the congregation. He insisted that everyone call him Daddy Jones, and no one objected, as he was a smiling, friendly man who was patient with children and could often be seen with more than a dozen fishing on the riverbank.

Daddy Jones had a 'possum he had broke to the leash, acted just like a dog. The possum came to church with the old man, and curled up under the pew. If it had to go outside, it would look up at Daddy Jones, and he would take the possum out for a bathroom break.

A young man in the church had just come from the Seminary, and was to preach the next Sunday. The Pastor spoke to him. "Son, they taught you a lot of good things down at that school. But they can't teach you to preach. You have to let God do that." "Sure!" Thought the new preacher. "I'll show these hicks what a real preacher is!"

Repairs were being made to the church, and the ceiling had been removed, leaving only the rafters. It was a hot August day, and Daddy Jones had gone to sleep. The possum, needing a break, looked at the old man, and then walked out on its own. When it came back it, it scurried up into the rafters to play.

The new preacher took his text from Genesis chapter one. And he began:

“And so we see it was GOD who made the heavens and the earth! AMEN, somebody! It was GOD whose very Spirit moved upon the face of the waters! GLORY! It was GOD who said “Let there be light, and there WAS LIGHT! AMEN!”

At this juncture the possum dropped by its tail almost in the young man’s face.

“And it was GOD WHAT A RAT!”

[beer good]

A rabbi, an Irishman and a man with a duck on his head walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says:

"Is this some kind of joke?"

[Virgil]

oh, I always thought there were other religions higher up on the hell and damnation train then catholics.

I wouldn’t let a Catholic hear you say that.

I think this may result in a cultural divide due to the Atlantic Ocean. In the US, Catholics are seen as less strict. It was the protestant Puritan spirit that outlawed alcohol, while the Catholic church was not for prohibition. Not only that, think of Mardi Gras and the concept that Catholics can sin and then go to confession. Our perception, here in the US at least, fits more with what Papaya is saying.

[Taliesin]

Continuing with OT: Funny, we in Estonia see the catholic belief not so strict as the protestantism. Estonian folk beliefs managed to stay alive for many centuries under catholic oppression - they mingled, in fact. But protestantism uprooted all that was seen as non-purechristian.
With all these catholic saints and people it is a good chance that after some time catholicism will become polytheistic.



****
For first, we don't advocate alcoholism.

But now back to ontopic:
We don't know about you, but cooking is a very nice thing, isn't it?

Here is a rum cake recipe:

Rum cake:

1 teaspoon of sugar, 1or 2 bottles of rum, 1 dl dried fruits, brown sugar, 1 teaspoon of bicarbonate of soda, 100 g butter, 2 eggs, 3 lemons, 1 glass of flour, 1 dl of nuts.

For starting, taste the rum - to see if it is good enough.
Take a big bowl and a measuring glass.

Taste the rum again. To see whether the rum is good enough.
Pour 1 dl in a glass and drink as fast as you can. Repeat.

Churn with a blender or in a big bowl. Add a teaspoon of sugar and beat up more.
Chechecheck if the rum is OK....

Have another glass. Open a new bottle if nececececessary.

Add eggzz and the tried fruuits. Beat them up...
If they cauze damage to the blender, use the help of a screwdriver.....

Taste the rum to check the conci... concisssstoncisstennce.

Add 3 dl salt of pepper - doesn't matter which one.

Taste the rum

Bressss the one lemurs juice ..... add 1 teaspoon of brown or some colour...
doesn't matter... Mix....

Grease the oven, turn the cake pan to 350 degrees, turn the batter to the oven....

Taste the rum some more, go asleep....

[RobinHood3000]

Stan'll love that one--Cheers!!