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Thread: Tell Me A Joke

  1. #841
    Don't worry, Be Happy
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    Surgeon before the operation table: Don't you worry, Harry. Its only a minor
    operation.

    Patient: Thank you, Doctor. But my name is not Harry.

    Surgeon: I know, I know. I am actually Harry.
    Last edited by laidbackperson; 05-06-2018 at 08:54 AM.

  2. #842
    Inexplicably Undiscovered
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    Yesterday, a guy came over to fix our toilet. I asked, "As long as you're here, can you do something about this drip?" And he said, "Lady, I'm a plumber, not a marriage counselor."

  3. #843
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    Comedy is all about taking risks, right?

    So here goes. I heard or read this one decades* ago:

    Back in the Days of the Old West, a guy and his wife are riding back from town. All of a sudden, their horse stops still. The guy pulls on the reins and yells gidday-up repeatedly. The horse doesn't move. Finally he says, "All right, that's one!" And the horse reluctantly starts going again.

    The goes about 1500 feet and once again comes to a complete stop. Now the guy is hot. "What did I just say, you broken down nag? That's two!" Once again the horse starts inching along and then, once again, stops.

    "All right," the guy yells, "That's three!" And he reaches into the back of the wagon, grabs his shotgun, and shoots the horse.**

    The wife is shocked, shocked! "What 'dya do that for? " she yells. "We're stuck in the middle of nowhere! How the hell are we going to get home?"

    So the guy looks at her and says, "That's one---"



    * I don't remember the names of my bitter half's grandchildren, but I remember 50-year-old jokes.

    **No animals were harmed in the relating of this joke.

  4. #844
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    Maybe it's a good thing I don't have any money. I'd be tempted to put it into a Swiss bank -- only to have it all fall through the holes.

  5. #845
    Skol'er of Thinkery The Comedian's Avatar
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    Sorry, I don't tell jokes.
    “Oh crap”
    -- Hellboy

  6. #846
    Registered User DATo's Avatar
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    This is purportedly a true story:

    Queen Elizabeth II was hosting the king of Tonga. They were reviewing a parade and ceremonial mounted soldiers were positioned in front of them on a slightly lower level. All at once, directly in front of them, one of the horses passed gas loudly. The Queen nervously turned to the king of Tonga and said, "I'm very sorry that happened." and the king turned back to her and said. "Oh! I thought it was the horse!"

  7. #847
    Registered User momoftwogirls's Avatar
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    I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
    Writing is my passion

  8. #848
    running amok Sancho's Avatar
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    Lady decides to help out a local homeless guy
    Buys a couple gallons of paint
    Tells the guy she’ll pay him 100 dollars to paint her porch
    Guy says - okay
    Guy heads around back with paint, brushes, and a new sense of purpose
    Lady goes about her day
    ...
    End of the day the guy comes around front for his 100 dollars
    Lady says - How’d it go?
    Guy says - Fine I guess. But I got news for you, lady, that ain’t no Porsche. That’s a BMW.
    Some people call me Maurice
    'Cos I speak of the pompatus of love

  9. #849
    TheFairyDogMother kiz_paws's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sancho View Post
    Lady decides to help out a local homeless guy
    Buys a couple gallons of paint
    Tells the guy she’ll pay him 100 dollars to paint her porch
    Guy says - okay
    Guy heads around back with paint, brushes, and a new sense of purpose
    Lady goes about her day
    ...
    End of the day the guy comes around front for his 100 dollars
    Lady says - How’d it go?
    Guy says - Fine I guess. But I got news for you, lady, that ain’t no Porsche. That’s a BMW.
    omg LOL!!
    Our task must be to free ourselves by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature and its beauty
    ~Albert Einstein

  10. #850
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    Q. What's the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?
    A. Attire

  11. #851
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    Q. How does the Man cut his hair on the moon?
    A. Eclipse it.

  12. #852
    Registered User tailor STATELY's Avatar
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    Two chemists walk into a bar. The first chemist asks for an H20. The second chemist then asks for an H20 too... he dies.

    Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
    tailor STATELY
    tailor

    who am I but a stitch in time
    what if I were to bare my soul
    would you see me origami

    7-8-2015

  13. #853
    Closed
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    A Spanish-speaking magician vowed to make himself disappear on the count of three.

    "UNO!" he cried.

    "DOS!"

    And then he vanished without a tres.

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