The Absurdity of the "Soul Mate"

[weepingforloman]

I would like to start with a personal story: just two days ago, a girl that I am very much interested in left for college. I'm still in high school. I tried to convince myself that I never approached her (even though I think she had a little interest in me, too) because it would be selfish to tether her to me (a younger, not so attractive guy). But what it really comes down to is that I was too cowardly to take action. However, this whole episode got me thinking about the nature of romantic love. I find the current pop-culture inflamed concept of the "soul mate" or "one and only" to be ridiculous (I am not saying I am against monogamy). I think that every person is attracted to people with certain traits, and the better someone embodies the characteristics that you find attractive, the more you feel that you could be with them. To put it bluntly, I believe that some people are simply "higher caliber" than others. This is not to say that they are worth more, only that they are embodying virtues more successfully. Disagreements?

[Mortis Anarchy]

I don't really agree nor disagree. I haven't found anyone that I love...just people to pass the time with. That sounds really bad, but I just never loved them. The one guy that I think I might have been closer to being in love with turned out to be a jerk...but I still am crazy about him. Its really hard to say...I let you know if I find my "One true Love"

My cousin doesn't believe in love at all. Sorry I wasn't of any help...but that sucks...

[Charles Darnay]

I would like to start with a personal story: just two days ago, a girl that I am very much interested in left for college. I'm still in high school. I tried to convince myself that I never approached her (even though I think she had a little interest in me, too) because it would be selfish to tether her to me (a younger, not so attractive guy). But what it really comes down to is that I was too cowardly to take action. However, this whole episode got me thinking about the nature of romantic love. I find the current pop-culture inflamed concept of the "soul mate" or "one and only" to be ridiculous (I am not saying I am against monogamy). I think that every person is attracted to people with certain traits, and the better someone embodies the characteristics that you find attractive, the more you feel that you could be with them. To put it bluntly, I believe that some people are simply "higher caliber" than others. This is not to say that they are worth more, only that they are embodying virtues more successfully. Disagreements?

Well, you say it yourself: we are attracted to certain traits and the more someone embodies the traits, the more we are attracted to them. So could we not take a Platonic stance here and say that the soul mate is simply a "form" an ideal of the embodiments of the traits we find oursleves more attracted to? If we were to follow this, we could say that, no, the soul mate doesn't exist in this world however we project our ideal into another, so in turn we create our own soul mates. But of course, this person only remains your soul mate as long as you see the form of the soul mate within this person - as long as the traits you are attracted to are, according to you, strong within this person. If and once the relationship goes downhill, the form shatters and you begin to see faults that you were blind to, which are only magnified by the contrast to the believe you previously held.

That's my overly analyzed rant on this matter.

[Granny5]

I don't think that a "soul mate" is someone you just happen to run into one day. Now I do believe that there are certain people who are made for each other, but finding that person is trial and error and just plain luck. In some cases it take a lifetime. Maybe that's why dates were invented. I think that soul mates are grown over time. The excitement of sexual attraction isn't really love, but maybe comfort, trust, committment, and the life that grows out of that attraction is. It's so easy to say "I thought I had found my soul mate but I was wrong" and to part than to wait for the fruit to ripen. One has to tend a garden and it's a lot of work.(weeds, bugs, critters, all kinds of nasty things) Love is a life long job that's more work than I've ever done. But in later years, after all the hard work, it's so nice to know that the person who has been working along beside you feels the same way. Sometimes I think we look too hard instead of just waiting to be in the right place at the right time. When I fell in love with my husband, I'd never heard the term "soul mate" so I wasn't searching for anything like that. Since he is nothing like any man I ever dated, I guess I would have miss out on my life if I had been. I truely don't think that I found love, I think I was in the right place at the right time and he just happened to drop in and love sort of found us.

[Smooth Operator]

I believe that it is rare for people to know much about love at a young age and that everyone has more than one soul mate. Once you find any one of those soul mates you will probably be too love blind to find any of the other ones. The problem is that many unexperienced people believe they know what Love is and kinda psych themselvs into believing that they are in Love which leads to marriage and either a miserable marriage or divorce.

[NikolaiI]

Higher caliber? May we say healthier?

It is probably right to say when I was attracted to a girl I was attracted to her traits, though I never said to myself, "I like her traits," if I liked a girl. I am a romantic or an idealist, but that doesn't mean I have use for those things, it just means I feel deeply and am subjective in relationships. I'm also objective, so no problem.

I was kind of lucky and got introduced to the girls I found myself liking outside of school, by friends. I actually didn't have a girlfriend in high school, but that was and is fine with me. I had some good relationships, and I learned a ton about them. Relationships that I am in now, that I have modeled off the behavior I developed in high school, are very healthy, and warm.

I understand what you mean about higher caliber, and it is valid, but I would say healthier instead of higher caliber, and also that every person I can think of that I knew in high school was a good person, and I can say that honestly. That's why I am an idealist, I guess. I always have idealist/realist arguments with my father, since he has been through two marriages, and is more cynical. He has warned me that since I am from a history of messed up relationships, I will have a higher tendency towards that; firstly that I will fall in love easily and so on. Education is a wonderful cure for that, and The Road Less Traveled did a lot for me. I cannot imagine being any different than I am, as I owe a lot to who I am.

I won't give any advice on your personal life except try to obtain the best understanding you can of people and of your relationships. And as much as I can mean it, it's something to meditate on.

I would also further recommend the book The Farther Reaches of Human Nature by Abraham Maslow (It's not about the hierarchy of needs ). That is a very enlightening read for psychology and human nature. It's a great after-read to Scott Peck, in my opinion.

[Tabula_Rasa]

I agree with Charles Darnay.

[Moira]

I believe that it is rare for people to know much about love at a young age and that everyone has more than one soul mate. Once you find any one of those soul mates you will probably be too love blind to find any of the other ones.

Totally agree about having more than one soul mate. Some are lucky enough to find at least one during their life ........... others not so lucky. It's kind of a lotery.

[Redzeppelin]

Here's the problem with the idea of "soul mate": how would you know if you were with them? Does "soul mate" status mean that you never disagree, argue or are required to "grow" as a couple? As such, what if you already have dated and dumped your soul mate because you two couldn't make it work because you were too immature to grow and hang tough?

I don't think there is such a thing; I think we are capable of loving almost anybody (notice that I did not say "be attracted"). Even if we had "soul mates" I don't think we'd be capable of knowing such because many relationships (early on) feel "perfect" - and they fell apart too.

Boy, that sounds cynical.