Results 1 to 12 of 12

Thread: a work in progress...

  1. #1
    solid motherhubbard's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Posts
    3,574
    Blog Entries
    157

    a work in progress...

    something I've been stuck on and trying for force to it's end so please help me finish this thought and change what is weak about it.


    Softly, in fine tiny drops my fields are drenched with rain.
    It falls as if it has all day to do itís work.
    There is pleasure in its pace.

    Without the theatrics of thunder it
    graces us with itís soaking presence,
    giving the earth time to drink

    I feel part of that process within myself,
    drinking in this washing rain,
    that removes the dust that had settled in my mind

  2. #2
    Flying against the wind CdnReader's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Location
    Halifax, Canada
    Posts
    2,095
    I love this, MH. All I would do is tighten it up a bit, like so.....

    Softly, my fields are drenched with rain.
    It falls as if it has all day to do its work.
    There is pleasure in its pace.

    Without the theatrics of thunder
    it graces us with its soaking presence,
    giving the earth time to drink

    I feel that process within myself,
    drinking in the washing rain
    that removes the dust from my mind
    (also note removal of apostrophes...."its" in this context doesn't require an apostrophe)

    Lovely words....lovely thought. Well done.
    *

    "Courage is not the absence of fear but the judgment that something else is more important than fear." -- Ambrose Redmoon

    CR: Madame Bovary, by Gustave Flaubert
    JF: Pride and Prejudice, by Jane Austen. My review is here.

  3. #3
    seasonably mediocre Il Penseroso's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Location
    montana
    Posts
    1,113
    Blog Entries
    7
    Quote Originally Posted by motherhubbard View Post

    Softly, in fine tiny drops my fields are drenched with rain.
    It falls as if it has all day to do itís work.
    There is pleasure in its pace.

    Without the theatrics of thunder it
    graces us with itís soaking presence,
    giving the earth time to drink

    I feel part of that process within myself,
    drinking in this washing rain,
    that removes the dust that had settled in my mind
    Hmmm, I know the feeling of trying to force a poem together. What they most often tend to lose is a feeling that's conveyed, meaningful description is lost to the all too common "telling" words. The third stanza here seems most prevalent with this obstruction. "drinking in this washing rain" doesn't convey feeling very well. Perhaps you could try something to suggest the way tree roots suck up surrounding water, and the feeling the thought breeds in you. I get the feeling you lose sight of the image/feeling and concentrate too hard on the words. Hope that helps.
    and somehow a dog
    has taken itself & its tail considerably away
    into the mountains or sea or sky, leaving
    behind: me, wag.
    - John Berryman

  4. #4
    solid motherhubbard's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Posts
    3,574
    Blog Entries
    157
    You are both very helpful and I hope more people chime in with their two cents worth.

    You know that kind of rain that is so soft and almost slow and each drop is tiny and fine but there are thousands of these drops and you can see through them like looking through the fog. I really wish everyone could see the world from my house. It must be the most beautiful place in the world.

  5. #5
    Something's gotta give PrinceMyshkin's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    Montreal, QC
    Posts
    8,746
    Blog Entries
    1
    I can't imagine that there might be a better way to end it. Of course one might want to know more specifically the nature of
    the dust that had settled in my mind
    but on the other hand we all have such dust, such dry, unnourishing thoughts so it may be better to allow us to bring up our own after reading this

    I've made a couple of grammatical changes and proposed the move of one word from the end of a line to the beginning

    Quote Originally Posted by motherhubbard View Post
    something I've been stuck on and trying for force to it's end so please help me finish this thought and change what is weak about it.


    Softly, in fine tiny drops my fields are drenched with rain.
    It falls as if it has all day to do its work.
    There is pleasure in its pace.

    Without the theatrics of thunder
    it graces us with its soaking presence,
    giving the earth time to drink

    I feel part of that process within myself,
    drinking in this washing rain,
    that removes the dust that had settled in my mind
    it's of course is always the contraction of "it is," never the possessive
    "You must be the change you want to see in the world." Gandhi

  6. #6
    solid motherhubbard's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Posts
    3,574
    Blog Entries
    157
    Thanks to everyone who has offered help.
    I still think there is work to be done.


    With fine tiny drops my fields are drenched with rain.
    It falls as if it has all day to do its work.
    There is pleasure in its pace.

    Without the theatrics of thunder
    it graces us with its soaking presence,
    giving the earth time to drink

    I feel that process within myself,
    drinking in this washing rain,
    that removes the dust from my mind

  7. #7
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Posts
    715
    Perhaps, motherhubbard, what you need to try and do is capture this:

    Quote Originally Posted by motherhubbard View Post
    You know that kind of rain that is so soft and almost slow and each drop is tiny and fine but there are thousands of these drops and you can see through them like looking through the fog. I really wish everyone could see the world from my house. It must be the most beautiful place in the world.
    which is so very beautifully expressed.

    I'll need a little more time to digest the poem to be more constructive. On first read it has an unfinished feel to it, like it needs something more, but I'm not sure exactly what. I'll be back...!

  8. #8
    feathers firefangled's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    Florida near Tampa Bay
    Posts
    3,015
    Quote Originally Posted by motherhubbard View Post
    Thanks to everyone who has offered help.
    I still think there is work to be done.


    With fine tiny drops my fields are drenched with rain.
    It falls as if it has all day to do its work.
    There is pleasure in its pace.

    Without the theatrics of thunder
    it graces us with its soaking presence,
    giving the earth time to drink

    I feel that process within myself,
    drinking in this washing rain,
    that removes the dust from my mind
    MH,

    I am thinking similar to Bii. The thought and feeling that is here is beautiful.

    When similarly stuck, I often try eliminating some words I think are non essential to conveying the power of my poem, or I condense, combine and rearrange words. The two sentences that comprise the first two lines could be one, more compact sentence, still two lines.

    It's difficult for me, but I also try not to describe something that conveys its own typical attributes, such as rain; you don't need to say it falls, you have said much more important things about rain in your other lines. When you describe the rain as fine (which you need to tell us), we know that means tiny drops. So, what takes 11 words can be said in 7: A fine rain drenches the fields,/as if it has all day to do its work. You've said it all. Everything was already there and very fine.

    What Bii has suggest can be very successful. Just write out what you want the reader to see. Don't give them anything more or anything less.

    I love the ideas in your poem, they are already condensed into three well structured stanzas. This is almost there for me.

    Your poems are all beautiful to me because you write in the essences of things.

  9. #9
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Posts
    715
    Hi MH - I've been giving this some thought. I think these bits are lovely:

    Quote Originally Posted by motherhubbard View Post
    It falls as if it has all day to do its work.
    There is pleasure in its pace.
    especially the 'there is pleasure in its pace' - what a beautiful line. And this:

    Quote Originally Posted by motherhubbard View Post
    I feel that process within myself,
    drinking in this washing rain,
    that removes the dust from my mind
    The middle stanza, is fine the way it is, but I have some suggestions, which you can take or ignore as you please:

    Spurning the theatrics of thunder
    we are graced with its (soaking - I might be inclined to omit this) presence,
    that gives the earth time to drink

    Obviously these are only suggestions - it sounds like you're working this one through yourself in any event. Let us know how it turns out.

  10. #10
    solid motherhubbard's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Posts
    3,574
    Blog Entries
    157
    Quote Originally Posted by firefangled View Post

    So, what takes 11 words can be said in 7: A fine rain drenches the fields,/as if it has all day to do its work. You've said it all. Everything was already there and very fine.
    This is much better. I can be so chatty sometimes even though I know that less is more.

    Quote Originally Posted by firefangled View Post
    Your poems are all beautiful to me because you write in the essences of things.
    This is such a complement.

  11. #11
    solid motherhubbard's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Posts
    3,574
    Blog Entries
    157
    Thank you Bii for the help. how is this? I still think that the last line in the second stanza is all wrong. What if i switched the last lines of the first and second stanza?


    A fine rain drenches the fields,
    As if it has all day to do its work.
    There is pleasure in its pace.

    Without the theatrics of thunder
    we are graced with its presence,
    that gives the earth time to drink

    I feel that process within myself,
    drinking in this washing rain,
    that removes the dust from my mind

  12. #12
    Registered User tailor STATELY's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    Location
    Gold Country
    Posts
    14,701
    Blog Entries
    13
    Hoping for rain tonight here in drought ridden Gold Country so this poem caught my eye. This poem (titled: a work in progress...) from motherhubbard in 2007 shows the evolution of a poem through constructive criticism. I miss these interplays.

    Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
    tailor STATELY
    tailor

    who am I but a stitch in time
    what if I were to bare my soul
    would you see me origami

    7-8-2015

Similar Threads

  1. Industrial Society Destroys Mind and Environment
    By sushil_yadav in forum Philosophical Literature
    Replies: 213
    Last Post: 12-09-2016, 08:33 PM
  2. We Need A Revolution In Literature!
    By WolfLarsen in forum General Writing
    Replies: 251
    Last Post: 01-10-2012, 06:56 PM
  3. A work in progress
    By loser_face11 in forum General Writing
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 06-20-2006, 11:13 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •