The two extracts given below are from my short-story (Eight A4 pages) which I have been editing for quite sometime and which I am hoping to put in lit-net before the end of July.
Can the phrases/sentences put in bold italics be made better? Any suggestions/changes regarding them are welcome. English is not my first language and my degrees are also not in literature. So pl bear up with patience if you find the extracts too mundane.
Background of the story (Alfie Wallace: A Love Story): During a long-distance train journey, the narrator who is executive in a good company unexpectedly runs into his childhood sweetheart, Alfie. Both of them are still unmarried. They exchange notes on their childhood and the present. As they talk the narrator discovers:
I was not feeling crazy for her, the way I felt as a boy but I felt
a new attraction towards her. My mind was telling me over and
over again that it is just the physical attraction of a man towards
an attractive female. There was truth in it, but my heart was not
willing to believe that this was the whole truth. There was also
something else between us which I was not able to clearly put
my finger on……………………………………….
Extract-1(Starting para of the story):
When I left my house at dawn, a lone star was still shining in the sky. Last traces of darkness were, however, quietly vanishing, and soft light of a new day was slowly filling the world. I was going to a distant town on an official tour. My job as the technical manager of my company required me to travel to different parts of the country regularly, and once in a while there would be a tour to a foreign country. It was an enviable job in our company and I worked hard to maintain my position in the office. As I walked towards the bus station, a medium sized suitcase in one hand and a handbag slung over the shoulder, I was just wishing that I get a window seat in the front section of the morning bus. A cool breeze was blowing from front, striking my face in a pleasant manner. It also filtered through my short, thick hairs which were still a little wet due to my recent bath, and bringing a nice, tingling sort of sensation on the scalp there. I had started feeling very fresh and cheerful. …...........
Extract-2 (Para from somewhere middle of the story):
…………. We both had become quiet and were looking out of our respective windows. The train was still rushing through the green fields but the happy mood had suddenly changed. It passed over a big bridge, and down below, the swirling, muddy water of a wide river seemed to be flowing gloomily. I tried to reason that it is probably because the light levels had decreased further* but I knew it was not true. After some time had elapsed, Alfie started telling about Sammy on her own. She kept talking about him for half an hour and I listened quietly to the story of a bright, sensitive young man and his sudden tragic end. Towards the end, Alfie’s voice had choked and she had to wipe the tears from her eyes. I could also feel a lump in my throat. During this half an hour I again felt a new love towards Alfie. I knew that this love was above the physical attraction. The carnal desires that shamed me later on numerous occasions were thankfully altogether absent here. I only felt a sincere desire to see Alfie happy always. I also had inkling that there was renewal of love from Alfie’s side.
* It was evening, and it was getting darker.