In Need

Ď Yo where you at maní I hear as soon as I open the door. ĎNothing, Iím right here maní, I reply faintly. Iíd known what Larry wanted as soon as I opened the door a second a go but I donít feel like going to the club at all, seeing as how I spent the whole day walking around the city trying to get a hold of my dealer, Nils. Having been short for almost 2 days I really needed a fix and the guy to go to when in need was Nils. Nils problem consequently was not the quality of his junk, which was top-noch and fair priced, but his reliability. The day before he had assured me to be on the corner of 78th and 5th between 1 and 2 pm pretending to be busking with his ragged old guitar. The routine to deal with him was simple and fast, put the money in the hat and in the same motion pick up the stuff you requested. Clean and with minimal risk. Anyway, I get there at around 1.20 pm, go into the laundromat at the immediate right corner of the street opposite his usual spot to pick up my suit which I needed for the evening and walked on towards the spot where he would sit. I pushed my way slowly through the streams of people walking around and tried to spot Nils. I wasnít able to see very clearly and after having got as far as half the street became very irritated with the the fact that so many people had chosen to spent their lunch break on the same street. When I crossed the street after having passed the library with itís old classic red stone walls and the hideous neon-sign covered rubbish selling souvenir shop that was like a scar on the face of the street I finally got a clear glance at the corner where Nils would be. Would be that is, because I immediately saw upon that first good glance that the corner was empty save for a homeless guy sitting on the pavement getting smashed on whisky at this early hour. My already agitated state of needing a fix as soon as possible was ofcourse getting worse with the minute, especially since Nils had a thing for going awohl at the worst time imaginable. He had this annoying tendency to get suspicious of certain people that were in his opinion paying to much attention to him and could possibly be narcs on the look out. I always doubted this since Nils wasnít a big time pusher and kept a low profile. But I guess itís regular paranoia for a dealer. But being presented with this problem I had to find a solution fast. Deciding to track Nils down at his most likely hang-out, I set off towards the subway station a block away. This particular subway station was one of the older ones with 3 platforms beneath eachother and several exits onto the street. This made it a convenient place for people like Nils who were never satisfied with the amount of escape routes...Upon entering through the archway into the station I immediately lost all hope of finding Nils here. The whole entrance hall was swarming with pigs and people were getting ordered off the platforms. One particularly fat cop with a handlebar moustache was shouting something about a bomb alarm while the sweat came pouring down off his four chins like a good monsoon rain shower. After giving the fat bastard a filthy look I walked out of the station in a growing frenzy. Those ****ing bomb alarms had been a real pain as of late and they without exception all turned out to be false. Thinking as fast as possible in my frenzied state I thought of going to the Central Park because that cowardly dispicable unreliable weak ****ed up excuse for a dealer Nils might be working that part of town today. The People (slang for Narcotic Police) had given it a rest as of late to patrol the more obscure dealer-heavy parts of town. I set off towards Main street subway station and only remembered the ****ing bomb alarm after walking towards it for five minutes. Now positively furious and in ever growing agony about not having chased the dragon for to long, I dragged myself as fast as I could to the nearest busstation. Arriving there I threw myself on the little bench and tried not to think about the tickling sensation on my spine that was getting rappidly more annoying. Having waited 4 minutes that took an eternity the grey blue colors of the bus finally came into view. As it was gradually progressing towards the little station I was waiting at, I could see how crowded it was. This annoyed me infinetly since it wasnít even rush hour and I seemed to have picked a really bad day to run around town looking for junk.


Upon arrival the doors opened in typical slow fashion, confirming my suspicion that everyone and everything was against me today. I crawled up the steps into the bus nearly falling and presented my fake bus pass. The driver, a skinny guy with glasses and a uniform several sizes to big for him demanded to see it. Pretending to not give a **** I waited for him to finish examining the pass. This unfortunately took rather long since the driver treated the pass like it was the only thing that mattered in his miserable life. After much scrutinizing and frowning for a whole minute he finally gave me the go ahead signal adding with a feeble attempt at authority that my card looked a bit suspicious and I had better take care of my next one better. Ignoring the comment I managed to spot a free place next to an old lady sitting in the far back of the bus. Getting myself there while trying to maintain balance when the bus started to move out of the station proved a pretty difficult task in the condition I was in but I managed. The old lady gave me a look of contempt which was probably related to the hunger in my eyes and my inability to move in a normal way. Trying not to look at her I sat down and dozed off for a minute. Returning to the world after hitting my head on the metal bar attached to the chair in front of me I whispered an inaudible curse and looked out the window. Central Park was mere minutes away and I got a little bit excited. Surely Nils would be there and that meant finally getting the much needed fix. After looking out the window I suddenly noticed the old lady who was now positively lulling off. This was to good an opportunity to be true. Nobody was able to see anyting because we were in the far back of the bus. I quickly waved my hand over the old ladyís eyes to make sure she wasnít awake and then started to carefully empty the contents of her pockets and purse. This took me about a minute and being experienced caused me no significant trouble. Stuffing everything in the pockets of my jacket I got up in order to get off the bus at Central Park. The bus approached the station, rolled in smoothly this time and I got off as fast as possible when the doors opened. Moving towards the entrance of the park I got the loot out of my pockets and examined it quickly. It consisted of 50 dollars in cash, a city guide, a pack of gum and a half-empty pack of Marlboro red. This lifted my spirits big time, since I also approached the park and would soon be deprived of my need for a fix. I threw the city guide away and lighted a cigarette. This made me feel a little better and I was able to walk in normal fashion again, which was needed in order to not attract to much attention to myself. I went through the park gate and walked towards the fountain which I was able to discern in the distance. It was rather busy in the park as well and I nearly collided with a wall street jock on roller skates trying to cut through the throngs of people to get to a hotdog stand. I got to a square with a lot of benches, surrounded by some sunlight blocking trees. A gang of youthful skaters, about 20 of them, occupied some four benches and a few were attempting to impress girls with tricks (not one of them accomplishing this). One of them suddenly shouted: ĎYo look at that man, ****ing sickí, as he pointed to a gay couple holding hands as they walked across the square. The gang now all joined in and gave a choir-style serenade to the gay couple: Ď ****ing faggots, *****-*** faggots, sick ****s.....í, in short their whole repertoire of insults. The sensible thing for the gays was ofcourse to get out of there as fast as possible, humiliated but alive. This particular couple had probably never been to a city, or they wouldíve known this. Instead they decided to not be insulted like that and they moved towards the gang in order to retaliate. Things then took a turn for the bad real fast. Having uttered only four syllables of their intended insults, the first skateboard came crashing down on their heads. Both fell down on the ground and were getting a hard beating by the twentysomething strong gang of youths. People walking around didnít even look at it, and the only action some took was to get out of there as fast as possible. Myself included. I walked as fast as I could towards the next park lane accompanied by the shouts of pain and fear uttered by the gay couple. When I reached the lane, they were quiet and after a glance over my shoulder I saw the skate gang leave them for dead and move back to their benches. Thinking about how stupid those two gays had been I entered the square with the fountain. Surveying it my heart missed a beat when I didnít see Nils. But then I felt a rush of exitement when I heard the familiar raw edged voice of Nils. He came walking towards me from under a set of trees I hadnít looked at yet. Torn between wanting to voice my anger at going through all this trouble to get to him and my need for a fix I made an inaudible noise and pointed to a nearby bench. We sat down and my growing lust over came my anger and I quickly gave him some of the old ladyís money and greedily accepted the skag. After uttering a thanks and quickly getting up I set off towards the end of the park. My mind at this point was consumed by the thought of getting home and injecting. I hardly remember how I got home but I did. All I remember vividly is storming through the door of my apartment and stumbling over the magazines on the floor reaching the kitchen. I grabbed a used spoon from the sink unit and got the lighter out of my pocket. Putting the smack on the spoon I cooked the shot up. Barely able to hold the spoon because of the lust for the shot I extracted the syringe and fed it with the cooked china white. Then after putting the belt around my arm and biting it in a ferocious manner I patted my arm in search of a good vein. Finally I found one and I rushed the needle of the syringe into it. It instantly sucked the blood into the syringe and after having admired the beautiful color and orchide-like form of it I took the shot, cherishing the moment. It took about 10 seconds to impact and then the familiar and perfect sensation hit me, first in the spine and stomach and then steadily reaching the brain. I fell back onto the floor and could think of absolutely nothing......

Ď Are you coming or what man?í, Larry asks. I tell him I donít feel like it. He launches into an oration about how boring it is without me and I realise itís useless to try to get rid of him. ĎFine, letís goí . Feeling positively ****ed up after shooting up the H (shot up to greedily no doubt) I get my jacket and follow him out the door. I can hardly walk, feel very weak and everything is spinning for my eyes as we walk towards club Misshapes. The thought that this was probably not such a good idea presses itself more and more upon me. We get to the club after a five minute walk and I can hear the rock music coming from the cellar. We walk past the line and approach the steps leading down into the club. Larry knows the bouncer and we get in without a problem. I distantly hear the people in line shouting disapprovingly. Descending with great difficulty I throw my jacket at a chair and follow Larry into the club. I am by now hardly aware of anything and everything is a big blur of a sort of rainbow-vomit like color. I canít see Larry anymore and I lean against a pillar on the side of the club, the musicís droning into my system making me feel even more ****ed-up. Suddenly I hear a familiar female voice, I canít understand a word of whatever she is saying however and I donít know who the familiar voice belongs to. I let go of the pillar and spin around on my feet, Iím close to collapsing on the floor, but the woman is holding me now. Then I feel her hand thrusting something in my mouth, it feels like a pill. I feel a vague sense of alarm but donít know why, I swallow it and hear a faint ĎGood boyí whispered in my ear. She lets go of me and I lean against the pillar once more. The sense of alarm stays, but my brain has trouble recovering the bits and pieces of knowledge justifying it. Fragments of thoughts shoot through my brain.......í****, no pills and smack, deadly combo, puke it out, puke it out, PUKE IT OUT, Ď I want to go to the toilet, but I canít move my feet, I feel the influence of the pill know, I collapse on the floor, all I can think is: puke it out, puke it out..... but I canít. The music is still droning on and on, I now hear distant shouts too, they sound scared, a scream or two as well now.....the spinning has now stopped and all I see is a darkness, I canít move and I slowly stop hearing, my mind is empty......all is silent now....