Post your Poems and Get Reviews!

[Adolescent09]

Wow Adol,
Your quite the good person to want to comment on eveyone poems in your thread. Here is one I posted earlier but had no constructive critique (except Pen said he liked it). Motherhubbard and dyingflame are in line ahead of me.
Dyingflame, I like the quality of visual imagery of your piece. I've always liked Motherhubbards writings. They remind me of reading Erma Bombeck except there is sometimes a bit of a sad feel.

Why, thank-you Vhaney and I apologize to the other poem posters in this topic for my insufficient response time. I've been busy lately, but I will try my best to bring this thread back to life by providing my opinions in consecutive order down the page. Have a great day all.

[Adolescent09]

I

the neighborhood children, through knitted paws
squeal, shriek, and scream their playful calls
as their voluminous silhouettes cascade upon
the ivy-covered, fissure-riddled walls

icy fingers, concealing eyes of a mind
that ponders peeking, but then decides
against when visions of gifts under tree
present the pleasant memories of sweet surprise

cleverly hidden beneath an old canoe
an older boy has tips on girls for sale
despite the dusk and cold cheeks flushed
the younger cannot keep concealed a blush

wet, rhythmic smacks of shoes on grass
the dry, quick breaths of the pursued
"tag, you're it" a muffled giggle, the snap of a stick
such are the sounds of youth on the move

Hello maimed observer and welcome to the forum. The first stanza of your poem starkly resembles my previous style. In the line ' the neighborhood children, through knitted paws' the word 'though' appears a bit clumsy and the idea of childeren vociferating through their knitted paws might sound confusing. When you say 'knitted' paws do you mean their hands are laced together by their fingers, cupped around their mouths or clenched in a fist? It is actually good in the sense that it gives the reader an impetus for diverse imaginations but some people may be confused.. I really like the 'ivory colored, fissure-riddled walls'. I like the uniqueness of the coined term 'fissure-riddled' because a reader may instantly identify it as a cracked wall making up a boundary or outside an edifice.

Your second stanza of this 'I' part sounds like an entirely different poem because while your first stanza entails physical and realistic description, your second part seems to inventively abstract away from the topic point. Although I'll say your metaphorical rhythm is intriguing I think it strays a bit too far, but would provide a great first stanza to a new poem.

despite the dusk and cold cheeks flushed
the younger cannot keep concealed a blush

In your third stanza you bring up a potential contrast. The word 'despite' is the reason for contrast because it implies 'Even though..something.... this something happened'. You see, the word 'despite' brings up an instance or situation where a particular occurrence would appear highly unlikely. For instance:

'Even though' or 'Despite' the fact that it was pitch dark in the woody expanse, the guide had an innate sense of direction.

Your lines bring up a contrast because you say 'Despite the dusk and cold cheeks flushed the younger cannot keep concealed (by the way-- 'the younger cannot conceal' might sound better) a blush. It appears that you're saying that inspite of her cheeks being flushed or red due to the cold she cannot conceal a blush..Well it might work perfectly fine to you and other readers but perhaps you should give that maybe another look-over. Hope you can see my point...

Your last stanza of this 'I' part seems to return us to continue off from the first stanza which adequately consummates the first part. Nice

[Adolescent09]

II

brusque flashes from a television screen
irradiate a couched woman under heavy shawl
while mute upon the floor with a sportive magazine
lays a remote man in lackadaisical sprawl

wet lips hover over another, frozen for a moment
as the thoughts of family linger then leave
with but a quiver of atonement
before they rejoin and passionately weave

cloaked in the shadows of a thick fir tree
a husband with secret cigarette inhales
despite his wife and doctor's desperate pleas
his attempts at quitting have always failed

weak, defeated looks at all the promise now passed
exhausted sighs from the broken and bruised
"i'm tired of your sh*t" a frightened cry, a slap so quick
such are the sounds of an age unmoved

The word 'lackadaisical' which basically means unenthusiastic seems like an arbitrary inclusion in the first stanza. Instead of using one pretentious and overly clumsy word to describe the way in which this man is 'sprawled' why not coin an intriguing phrase such as your previously used, and very well placed, 'fissure-ridden walls'. Shorter and catchier phrases could also suffice for sportive an irradiate (although irradiate is a very interesting word in that line and might just be best left alone).

In the second stanza you abstract again which is oddly interesting because this is exactly what you did for part I. Perhaps you're just raondomizing with your second stanzas so as to give it a type of rhythm but I'm not sure. I still mantain that this second stanza would perhaps sound better as a whole new poem.

You're third and last stanzas sound pretty great and your last line provides wonderful closure. Have a good one, maimed_observer and I hope this review has been minimally beneficial to you in some way.

[Adolescent09]

---If my work schedule remains as busy as it is I might have to cut down my given reviews to one poem a day. Sorry for the inconvenience and long wait but I will get around to all of the poems posted here!... even if it takes me a considerably long while. Thanks for hanging in there, everyone.---

[dyingflame]

don't worry man we're just lucky to have such an energetic member in the personal poetry forums such as you

[NSAM]

Well i apologise for contributing to your considerable workload.
But i would really value your opinion on this (it's rough around the edges) :

Through urban attraction, we become one
Like fag ends trod in chewing gum.
Grit and affection, I've a favoured one
But they follow each other around.

Even the night sky that the city rents
Helps catalyse the malevolence
The ominous gift of Frankinscence
Scorches the dark in burning cars

In a terrace theres a thug or thief
That made me swallow both my wisdom teeth
Though digested naivety dilutes the grief
And misery loves company.

But I found a side I hadn't seen
That doesn't feel like Neoprene
Veined with rivers, and dressed in green
She opens her arms and mothers me

So take my hand, and we'll escape from this
On hills we'll drown in fetal bliss
Not doubt and know, but hope and assume
To be lost forever in nature's womb

[ktd222]

I’ve decided to try and breathe life back into Adolescent09’s “Post Your Poem and Get Reviews” thread. I don’t know what reminded me of his thread, but the idea popped into my head last night and I thought it would be a good idea. If you would like to check out the original thread you can find it here:

http://www.online-literature.com/for...ad.php?t=24694


There are no rules (for now…lets see what happens).

[Yashad Kirtane]

Please reply on my poem.

Stare into the sky
Now on the road
Amid a chaos of souls,
Look into your own.

[ktd222]

Please reply on my poem.

Stare into the sky
Now on the road
Amid a chaos of souls,
Look into your own.

Hi Yashad,

How are you? Welcome to Lit-let! Thanks for posting your poem. I have to admit that the images from line to line in your poem left me dizzied. I think it may be because of the abrupt shift in direction from the sky, to road, to the souls, then to our own souls. But it is this same abruptness and inward movement that intrigues me. Maybe expand on the images in each line so that these things that you identified in your poem are not so vague.

Take care

[SleepyWitch]

i wasn't dazzled by the abruptness, but then, I'm image-challenged anyway

[Yashad Kirtane]

ktd222 thanks..... the poem is titled "Vague" anyways....
also i tried in this poem to move in a very vague way but theres also a pattern to the movement.... the sky is universal.... road is subjective..... chaos of souls.... is something which we see everyday.... and finally our soul which we almost never see...
see if that makes sense now....
all comments are always valued....
thanks again...

[ktd222]

ktd222 thanks..... the poem is titled "Vague" anyways....
also i tried in this poem to move in a very vague way but theres also a pattern to the movement.... the sky is universal.... road is subjective..... chaos of souls.... is something which we see everyday.... and finally our soul which we almost never see...
see if that makes sense now....
all comments are always valued....
thanks again...

Hi Yashad,

Yes, you make sense...but the poem is still iffy. Maybe a way to show subjectivity is to introduce a character which interacts with the image.

Take care.

------------------

Anyone else? Feel free to post your poem anytime.

[ktd222]

Still no takers, anyone? I'm not all about negative comments, I promise.

[Yashad Kirtane]

thanks..... ktd....

[Yashad Kirtane]

this ones called "Exhibit A"
it is a romantic poem...
its my first attempt at the genre...

Day in, day out,
You are in my eyes,
The hollow inside me
Waiting patiently
But now it can't wait
Languishing for nights on end
Spending countless hours in anguish
Uncomfortable, insecure
It's time you know this
That you are the piece that
Fills my hollow completely.