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Thread: some of my work

  1. #1
    Registered User the silent x's Avatar
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    some of my work

    please comment, constructively slam, what ever it is you want to prrof these two poems

    The Living Ghost

    All alone in a crowded room,
    Isolated by all
    Accepting his doom
    Multiple acquaintances, short and tall
    Look through him like at a ghost
    Look through him at the wall
    Invisible in everyday apparel

    Refrain

    And every Friday night,
    He dresses black with a mask of night
    And as his gloved fingers dance
    Over guitar strings
    His sounds piercing like a lance
    He screams his hate and rage
    Through the speakers to the cheering throng
    And now he realizes
    He is still not seen

    During the intermission
    He undergoes fission
    The lead singer stays in back,
    While the person behind the mask
    Goes about a personal task
    Slipping silently through the crowd
    He knew he still had his invisibility shroud

    Refrain

    And every Friday night,
    He dresses black with a mask of night
    And as his gloved fingers dance
    Over guitar strings
    His sounds piercing like a lance
    He screams his hate and rage
    Through the speakers to the cheering throng
    And now he realizes
    He is still not seen

    He dons his face for the last time,
    Hiding his mask under it
    Upon leaving the stage his body collapses
    With a flutter of falling clothing
    His face and gloves fall away
    Revealing nothing
    Nothing to cast the slightest shadow


    The Unbridled Flood of Power
    I want strength
    I want fire to blossom in my hand
    I want power
    To turn my enemies to sand
    I want ferocity
    To instill fear, in those so weak to cause fear in me
    I want invincibility
    To bring out the best in me
    I want knowledge
    To keep many forces at bay
    I want stealth
    To assassinate my foes while they’re unwittingly
    Playing into my hand


    Because I am bound by unseen chains,
    twisting and tightening their grip around me
    they all seek to control me,
    why is their beast of burden me?
    All I know right now is,
    They fear me,
    with all sincerity
    they hate me
    they hate me
    and they want me to die
    but let me tell you what
    I’m am up here standing on this stage,
    Tearing apart these chains with my strength
    Burning them with my power
    Drowning them as the tidal waters flow
    With my phrases and metaphors so
    Suffocating them in their own literal inadequacy
    Speedily releasing my power into them
    that they might know how dangerous my weapons of war have become,
    burying them under any sort of literature possible.
    Undying,
    Much knowing,
    Forcing them forward their fear showing,
    Because there is a monster inside me,
    he is hibernating,
    waiting
    watching as I grow
    that one day my words will throw
    the world into a state of passion
    like a classical song
    rising,
    thrashing,
    pulling those from their seats that may be able to see colors unseen
    think in thoughts flowing through time that are too complex to be thought
    speak in tongues undying, yet still gone
    hear more than music,
    apply their full energy potential into that one part
    just before the crescendo
    when feelings run strong,
    swords, guns, and stones lie useless
    as the roaring tumult of undying power washes over them
    as if they would use all of their last energy to show what they hear
    to let the world feel their undaunted power
    so that the world will want what it cannot have
    to put everything they own into that last crescendo
    to hear
    to see
    to feel the music
    life philosophy: "if one wants to succeed, they must become independent, if one wants to be independent, one must strive past the dificulties, using them to shape future desicions, like a sword being folded, every fold is a hardship overcome, and every fold removes one more imperfection that would destroy the completed version"

    # of 1st Dans, Black Belts achieved- 2 (1 Hapkido, Sun Moo Kwan), (1 Tae Kwon Do)

  2. #2
    solid motherhubbard's Avatar
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    That made me feel nervous at first then I liked where you went. The pen is mightier than the sword…and ultimately more attractive, too! The quest for greater power is something that feels a little immature to me. But wanting to prove one’s intellectual power is a different story. I look forward to reading more!

  3. #3
    Registered User the silent x's Avatar
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    the poem itself wasn't originally called The Unbridled Flood of Power; it was called I Want, but that didn't have a good feel to me, it was vague and made me (the writer) look for someone who couldn't be satisfied adn thus drive people away from reading it
    life philosophy: "if one wants to succeed, they must become independent, if one wants to be independent, one must strive past the dificulties, using them to shape future desicions, like a sword being folded, every fold is a hardship overcome, and every fold removes one more imperfection that would destroy the completed version"

    # of 1st Dans, Black Belts achieved- 2 (1 Hapkido, Sun Moo Kwan), (1 Tae Kwon Do)

  4. #4
    Not politically correct Pendragon's Avatar
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    Exclamation

    In the first poem/song, the first line is a distinct cliché: I know of at lest two songs that start with variations on the same line, one starts thus: "Alone again, in a crowded room...", which is almost exactly what you have. Still you need the imagery of being isolated while yet surrounded so work on that. The rest sounds wonderful!
    Some of us laugh
    Some of us cry
    Some of us smoke
    Some of us lie
    But it's all just the way
    that we cope with our lives...

  5. #5
    Registered User the silent x's Avatar
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    i actually, pulled that from thin air
    how about

    locked in incorporated seclusion


    ?
    life philosophy: "if one wants to succeed, they must become independent, if one wants to be independent, one must strive past the dificulties, using them to shape future desicions, like a sword being folded, every fold is a hardship overcome, and every fold removes one more imperfection that would destroy the completed version"

    # of 1st Dans, Black Belts achieved- 2 (1 Hapkido, Sun Moo Kwan), (1 Tae Kwon Do)

  6. #6
    Banned Turk's Avatar
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    If you writing poem, don't ask people's opinions, because opinions of people has no end. Write for yourself and let everyone read it for themselves.

  7. #7
    Registered User the silent x's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Turk View Post
    If you writing poem, don't ask people's opinions, because opinions of people has no end. Write for yourself and let everyone read it for themselves.
    i know, i want people to comment on the poems so i can better my writing, i always write for my enjoyment
    life philosophy: "if one wants to succeed, they must become independent, if one wants to be independent, one must strive past the dificulties, using them to shape future desicions, like a sword being folded, every fold is a hardship overcome, and every fold removes one more imperfection that would destroy the completed version"

    # of 1st Dans, Black Belts achieved- 2 (1 Hapkido, Sun Moo Kwan), (1 Tae Kwon Do)

  8. #8
    Not politically correct Pendragon's Avatar
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    Exclamation

    Quote Originally Posted by the silent x View Post
    i actually, pulled that from thin air
    how about

    locked in incorporated seclusion


    ?
    Sounds fine. Don't dismiss Turk's advice so easily, however. It is your poem, and if you like it, full speed ahead and darn the torpedos!
    Some of us laugh
    Some of us cry
    Some of us smoke
    Some of us lie
    But it's all just the way
    that we cope with our lives...

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