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Thread: Ron and the Ghost of the Little Girl (By Andrea Rambaran)

  1. #1
    Angie
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    Ron and the Ghost of the Little Girl (By Andrea Rambaran)

    Once there was a twelve-year-old boy named Ron, he was a very brave kid and love to tell scary stories to the children in his neighborhood of course those stories weren’t true. Whenever there was a full moon the children would camp out by Ron and listen to his stories.

    Summer had come and as usual he spent it by his Grandmother. But this summer he was really excited since last summer he was told by one of the village kids that a ghost was living next door to his grand mother. He had had no chance to ask his grandmother about it since it was time for him to leave but he promised himself that this summer he would get all the details from her.


    Reaching his Grandma house he wasted no time in asking her if there really was a ghost living next door.
    “Ron, my child such stories aren’t true. I have been living here all my life and haven’t seen a ghost. So get those silly ideas out of your head,” his grandmother told him.
    “But grandma, one of the village kids told me so”, he replied.
    “Crazy child, they told you that so you would be afraid, now go upstairs and get settled, as u know today is my doctor’s day, so I am off to see him. Why don’t u go and get some rest and when I come back I will bake you a chocolate cake, ok dear”
    “Ok grandma”, she kissed him on the forehead and left. Ron went upstairs’ to his room to unpack and to get some rest, opening the door to his room he noticed his grandma had re arranged the room. The last time he was here the room was white, now she painted it pink and there were little bunnies all over the wall. Is grandma going nuts, why would she paint the room pink and know fully well that I’m her only grandchild and that I’m a BOY, Imma have to ask her about this he thought. He also noticed all over the bed there were dolls, what is going on here he thought. Ron went in front of the mirror to make sure that he didn’t look like girl. He decided that as soon as his grandmother returned he would ask her but in the mean time he opened the closet to begin packing his clothes and he was relieved that there wasn’t any girls clothing waiting inside for him. He went towards the bed and removed the dolls and stuffed them in the closet. Dolls!! Eww!! he thought. He went downstairs and decided to wait for his grandmother, since there wasn’t really anything to do, he turned the television on but just then he heard a noise coming from upstairs, it was the sound of a doll crying, the hair on his back stood up. Pulling himself together, Ron went back to the room only to find one of the dolls lying at the foot of the bed her cold blue eyes staring at him; she probably fell when I was taking the rest to the closet he thought. He picked her up and on closer inspection noticed that there was no battery on her nor any opening anywhere that showed she had something on her to make her cry, then where did the crying come from he thought. Ron opened the closet to put the doll back in but he noticed that the dolls were neatly packed, he had just throwed them in. Maybe grandma is right, I do need some rest he thought. Ron laid on the bed and rested eyes yet somehow he felt as though someone was watching him, he had never felt so scared in his life before. He fell asleep for like ten minutes when he was awaken by the smell of chocolate cake, he knew his grandmother was back and went downstairs to meet her. As he went into the kitchen he saw a piece of cake sitting on the table and knew that it was meant for him. While eating the cake he asked her about her visit to the doctor and she said it went fine. Then he asked her about the room.
    “Oh that, I have never told u this before but I think its time I told you now, your mother had a twin sister, her name was Sarah, she was such a sweet and loving child. Ron with those two girls my life was complete, but then one day, Sarah fell ill no one knew the reason why, the doctors had given up hope on her, your mom and I spend every moment we can with her and with those moments it seems as though she wanted to tell us something, but we couldn’t understand what she saying. I know u might feel uncomfortable in the room but I don’t have long more to stay on earth but I just wanted to feel Sarah’s presence my last day on earth, sometimes I feel as though she is here trying to reach out to me but then again those things aren’t true and about the ghost living next door that’s not true Ron, the kids told u that so you would come back and tell them more stories, so eat up your cake and I’m sorry about all the girly stuff in the room, its just for the summer.”

    Ron looked at his grandmother not what knowing what to say, why would they keep this from him but realizing it wasn’t that important, he tried his best to comfort her. I guess now wont be the time to tell her about the crying doll or maybe I have told too many ghost stories and now I am scaring myself he thought. He decided the he wouldn’t tell her anything so he went straight to his room to get that rest he was trying to get earlier and tomorrow he would go visit his uncle Baksh. He always had fun with his uncle, they would go fishing, and hunting and do all the manly stuff his uncle did.
    Later in the night he was dreaming of a little girl calling to him from a well, he had been there before but she seemed like she needed help, so he went towards her but when he reached the well he didn’t see her anymore. He looked into the pond thinking that maybe she might have fell in there but then he felt a hand on his shoulder, when he turned around he saw the little girl with an evil smile on her face.
    “Go away from here”, she told him and with all her force she pushed him in the well. As he fell he saw nothing but darkness, he tried to yell but he couldn’t hear his voice, but just then he heard his grandmother calling out to him and then he felt her hands on him, I’m saved he thought. Ron was awoken with a concerned look on his grandmother’s face.
    “Are you ok dear”,
    “I guess so, I was having a nightmare,” he told her. He told what the dream was about but instead she laughed and said that he had told way too many scary stories and now those stories have come back to haunt him. After she left, he told himself that it was just a nightmare but yet some how it all seemed real to him. But for the rest of the night he kept on having horrid dreams all in which the little girl told him to leave.
    For the first week that Ron was staying at his grandmother all sort of strange stuff was happening to him when he tried to tell his grandma she wouldn’t believe him. Most of the times he would hear the crying of dolls. One night he was awoken to a little girl crying for her mom, with his heart beating fast, he pulled the sheets over his head and started to pray, the crying stop but then he felt something pulling on his foot. When he looked he saw the little girl with blood red eyes staring at him “GET OUT OF MY ROOM” she shouted. Ron screamed with all his might and his grandmother came running to him.
    “I want to go home grandma, she doesn’t want me to stay”
    “Who don’t want you stay child?” his grandmother asked with a concerned voice
    “The little girl, that girl grandma, the girl in the picture there” he pointed to a picture she was holding in her hand, “that’s the girl that has been haunting me ever since I came here”
    “That’s Sarah Ron, I – I think I should call your mother” she said. But in the corner of his eyes he saw the little girl again but when he showed his grandmother she wouldn’t see.
    “Go ahead call Farah, she was always your favorite”, the girl replied.
    “Did u hear that grandma?” he asked but it turned out she didn’t hear anything. Ron told his grandmother what the little girl said and she burst into the tears and ran out the room. Not wanting to be left alone with the ghost Ron followed his grandmother but the little girl closed the door, when he tried to open it the door wouldn’t budge.
    “You can see me”, she said. But he wasn’t paying any attention to her; he was trying to open the door. “And you can hear me too, get out of this house, she’s my mother, you got that”.

    He finally got the door opened and ran towards his grandmother whom he found sobbing on the kitchen table, shaken he sat next to her and didn’t say a word, “I called your mother but she’s not home, I tried her cell but she wont answer, you really did saw her didn’t you and she still blames me for loving Farah more than her” she sobbed
    “I don’t think so grandma, after all she came back when I came to visit and not when mom’s here”
    “Maybe you should talk to her see what she wants”
    “O No grandma I’m going home, Na uh not me”
    “We’ll both go” as they went upstairs they noticed that the place was very cold, upon entering the room they noticed that all the dolls were back on the bed and feeling the lump in his throat Ron made an attempt to turn back but his grandmother held on to him
    “We need to get this over with,” she said. Ron felt something pushed him aside and that’s when he saw the angry looked on Sarah’s face.
    “What do you want?” he asked
    “HAVEN’T YOU BEEN LISTENING, I WANT YOU TO LEAVE MY MOM ALONE” she shouted and then objects from within the room started flying about.
    “Grandma she wants me to leave you alone, o please let me go,” he begged
    “Sarah honey, momma loves you, don’t hurt him” as soon as she heard these words the objects fell to the floor.
    “Then why do you pay so much attention to him, why is he in my room” she cried, as Ron heard those words he told his grandma what she said.
    “Haven’t I taught you and your sister to share”?
    “But you have forgotten me momma, you don’t say you love me no more, you use to come in my room everyday and talk to me, I knew you couldn’t see me but you stopped all those things since he started to come here” Ron just sat on the bed scared and confused related all what she said to his grandmother.
    Ron listened to his grandmother explained that she will always love Sarah no matter what and it was then that they found out what she was trying to say before she died, she wanted to tell her mom that she loved her.

    Having said those words to her mother, Sarah vanished never to be seen again. Ron still continued his visit to his grandmother and they were timed when they would feel the room getting cold and at times hear her laughter coming from her room. He never slept in that room again, he didn’t want to anger her again and those dolls gave him the chills. As for ghost stories he had had enough. He never told his mom what happened and intend on keeping it a secret, he didn’t want to worry her and knowing what happened she wouldn’t send him to his grandma for summer vacations and ever since that incident he had grown to love his the two of them even more for he knew having them in his life and being able to wake up to them everyday was truly a blessing.
    Last edited by Andy and Angie; 04-10-2007 at 08:54 PM.

  2. #2
    Kat in a Hat kathycf's Avatar
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    You need to pay some attention to a few things.
    1.) It is hard to read a long page with no breaks in it. Consider breaking things up into cohesive paragraphs. If you are going to have one long page of story with no paragraphs then it should at least be double spaced. Paragraphs are good, though.
    2.) I notice you are having a little trouble with slang. I notice a liberal use of "u" for the word "you". I think that may be unconscious on your part, but it doesn't look right, not in a story.
    3.) Punctuation and grammar are key components of any written work. Try having a friend or relative proofread your work, sometimes I have found that to be most helpful. An extra pair of eyes is very useful in catching errors our own eyes sometimes skip over.

    Here is a little primer on punctuation.
    http://www.wikihow.com/Use-English-P...tion-Correctly

    I touched up the opening of the story a bit to illustrate what I mean.
    Once there was a twelve-year-old boy named Ron. He was a very brave kid and loved to tell scary stories to the children in his neighborhood, but of course those stories weren’t true. Whenever there was a full moon the children would camp out by Ron and listen to his stories....

    “Ron, my child, such stories aren’t true. I have been living here all my life and have never seen a ghost. So, get those silly ideas out of your head,” his grandmother told him.“But grandma, one of the village kids told me so!”, he replied. “Crazy child, they told you that so you would be afraid! Now go upstairs and get settled, remember that today is my doctor’s appointment, so I am off to see him. Why don’t you go and get some rest and when I come back I will bake you a chocolate cake, ok dear?”
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  3. #3
    TheFairyDogMother kiz_paws's Avatar
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    Andrea, that is one very good story... I eagerly await to read more!

    And, as kathy has said, it just needs some editing. Overall, you have done a good job.
    Our task must be to free ourselves by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature and its beauty
    ~Albert Einstein

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