Recent Poem, :)

[Adolescent09]

A member of this literary community suggested that I post this poem to recieve opinions from other people of the forum. The objective of this poem is to be written shortly and rhythmically so that the words practically roll off your tongue while reading it. All comments, opinions, thoughts.. will be respected. Thanks.

Onto the sea
I sailed my boat
And prayed that it
Would stay afloat

From dawn til dusk
From dusk til dawn
In search of love
I drifted on
What happened then
I don't recall
I think it was
A sudden squall

For when I awoke
I thought I died
At the sight of an angel
At my side


But lucky for me
That was not true
For I found love
And love was you.

[Triskele]

i like it, do you mind if i try this style you have invented myself?

[Adolescent09]

sure, be my guest.

[Janine]

I like short type poems, like this one by Adolescent, better than long poems with long verses and lines. I tend to have trouble reading those, and I get lost sometimes in complicated line and words. I think more simplistic can actually be better, and if you read many of the really fine authors of poetry - the classics - their poems are not contrived or overly "wordy". Often they are so direct and they are simplistic in thought.
Example: Poem by Carl Sandburg - how great is this? and quite simplistic poem really -

Fog

The fog comes
on little cat feet.

It sits looking
over harbor and city
on silent haunches
and then moves on


How well known and famous this little poem became - it is wonderful! It is almost like a Haiku and certainly slips off one's tongue easily and yet conveys such a vivid image. I think sometimes we try to include too much in one poem instead of sticking to the point. That is just my opinion. Not all poems have to be puzzles to figure out.
Anybody - comments on my thoughts are welcome.

[dramasnot6]

Really sweet You would think the end was cliche but it actually really works well in your poem.

From dawn til dusk
From dusk til dawn

Maybe think of something a little more creative here? Doesn't have to be any less simple or easy to read, just something a little more "you" if that makes sense?

[Adolescent09]

I apologise drama, I'm not getting your figure of speach. What exactly do you mean by "more you"? (By the way, that poem in your signature is ineffably fantastic.. did you write it.?)

[Janine]

Adolescent, isn't Drama's quote wonderful? I noticed it before and love it. I wonder who wrote it, too.

[Pensive]

This is really sweet. Small and cute.

[Janine]

Pensive, Which poem are you referring to? Just curious.

[wyzguy]

Hi there. I liked it. You lost the meter and rhythm in a couple of spots, though.

Onto the sea
I sailed my boat
And prayed that it
Would stay afloat

From dawn til dusk
From dusk til dawn
In search of love
I drifted on
What happened then
I don't recall
I think it was
A sudden squall

For when I awoke For when I woke
I thought I died
At the sight of an angel Saw an angel
At my side


But lucky for me
That was not true
For I found love
And love was you.

Just suggestions. Keep writing.

[Janine]

Well, Adolescent, you wanted criticism and you seem to be getting plenty now. Good, hope it helps you out. Glad you posted this lovely poem of yours, here, separate from Haiku thread. Keep writing, you have talent! Janine

[jon1jt]

i think you accomplished your objective of having lines roll smoothly. it's a bit too predictable, but sweet it is. i agree with wyzguy's two line changes. thanks for sharing!

[Pensive]

Pensive, Which poem are you referring to? Just curious.

Onto the sea
I sailed my boat
And prayed that it
Would stay afloat

From dawn til dusk
From dusk til dawn
In search of love
I drifted on
What happened then
I don't recall
I think it was
A sudden squall

For when I awoke
I thought I died
At the sight of an angel
At my side


But lucky for me
That was not true
For I found love
And love was you.

[Pendragon]

Well, I like it. It can be sung, actually, and has a nice sound. I would use the suggested two lines, however. Frankly, the
"From dawn til dusk
from dusk til dawn"
needs to stay. Better rhythm that way.

[raspberry_jelly]

Its sweet and easy to read. I liked it.

Keep writing.