critical thinking toulmin/ argumentive essay criticism/advice needed please

[abhb]

hey guys i have a final due for my english class my teachers got me on the border line to get an A so its very crucial to get this one right but she wont review my essay so if i could get some suggestions on my working intro so far i would definately appreciate it

start

In life society creates a pressure with an expected image that the majority of people in today’s modern world do not feel they live up to. They feel demoralized in their work place and their everyday life. I personally have felt demoralized in the work place at a job working for my community. I worked for the neighborhood baseball organization and I worked field maintenance and due to how I was treated there I quit my job. After I quit my job, the attitude of people around me changed. People saw that there was a limit with how I would be treated and they respected that I was not afraid to put my foot down and get away from a situation that disagreed with me. There are many other social issues outside of the work place that people face everyday. How they respond to those issues is how a person shapes their actions in other social issues that might come their way. In the stories “A & P” by John Updike and “The Bus” by Tom Wolfe, characters face social issues and react to them in ways that help them find and shape their individual potential in how they will deal with life situations.

end

thanks for your time everyone.

[ghideon]

Before I can offer any adivce it would be helpful to know what the specific assignment is. What grade level you are in? And what the teacher's primary focus is for the class and in terms of how work is evaluated. I do not know how to critique your work because I do not know what level of critical thinking and writing is being expected of you.
Also...is this your first draft...if so it could use a bit of improvement...nothing drastic...just some clarification in terms of the central theme/premise you are making. There are quite a few words that could be eliminated without damage. Also, there is some ambiguity that could be dealt with rather easily.

But, it would be good to have a bit more info first. I do not want to offer too much advise nor too little.

[abhb]

http://www.pageout.net/user/www/m/j/...all%202006.pdf

this is my essay prompt i think i am going to completely re write this intro now though a lot of people have trouble just understanding it ill try to post my new one shortly