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Thread: poetry contest offshoot

  1. #1
    kwizera mir's Avatar
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    poetry contest offshoot

    i thought this was a really good idea of Petrarch Love's, to have a thread where people could comment on the poems we wrote for the poetry contests. so this is mine written about Holograph's Dali picture

    picture:

    poem:

    Empty Eucharist
    Hung in endless sky
    Below, the boats
    Wait their own chance to die.

    Consecrated cross
    Clouds swelled red with blood
    Shifting seas
    High and low both the flood.

    Prickling punishment
    The thorns in his crown
    Forgive the fishermen
    And lay your burden down.
    No day but today



    -God is real, unless proclaimed integer-

  2. #2
    in angulo cum libro Petrarch's Love's Avatar
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    Hi Mir--I just noticed that you also started a thread for your contest poem. I wanted to say that I liked the sound of your poem. You have a nice ear for language flow. I thought the first stanza was your best. "Empty eucharist" is an arresting phrase, and it drew me into the poem. I wish you had somehow put in an extra word or phrase that explained a little why you chose "empty" as your adjective, though, instead of sort of leaving it hanging there (maybe you did and I just missed it ). I also liked the line about the boats that "wait their own chance to die."

    "In rime sparse il suono/ di quei sospiri ond' io nudriva 'l core/ in sul mio primo giovenile errore"~ Francesco Petrarca
    "Follies and nonsense, whims and inconsistencies do divert me, I own, and I laugh at them whenever I can."~ Jane Austen

  3. #3
    Sweet farewell, Good Nite
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    mir just want to say this is a top notch poem you got here... you really capture the essence of that picture...wow.
    "He was nauseous with regret when he saw her face again, and when, as of yore, he pleaded and begged at her knees for the joy of her being. She understood Neal; she stroked his hair; she knew he was mad."
    ---Jack Kerouac, On The Road: The Original Scroll

  4. #4
    kwizera mir's Avatar
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    thanks, guys!

    petrarch, where's yours?
    No day but today



    -God is real, unless proclaimed integer-

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