Need help with my paper

[Badangel299]

I had to do a paper on A Day I Will Never Forget. I had written the paper already has to be 2 pages long no more no less. And double spaced 12 font. My last paper i had done i got a c-. My aunt loves to write papers and she helps me but my teacher is just really really hard. I need to do better on this one. If anyone can give me some pointers and i can revise it....and make is a little bit better since im sick with strep and cant go to the writing lab on monday. Thanks


Attack of the Bees
I was 11 at the time, living with my mother, stepfather, and two younger sisters. We lived in an apartment that was not of the greatest quality. The outside was very shabby and dirty with faded white siding. My friends and I often played in a field out back where we had many memories such as playing soccer, breaking my collarbone, and playing Frisbee. The day that will forever hold a place in my mind is the day I was attacked by bees.
It was a beautiful summer day. The sun was beating down and there was a gentle breeze. When I looked out my living room window, the field was calling my name. The luminous green grass swaying from side to side begged me to frolic in it. Therefore, my sister Megan and I called up my best friend Brendan to join us in a delightful game of Frisbee. When Brendan got to the field; we all formed a triangle and started throwing the Frisbee around. We were all having such a wonderful time until Megan over threw it right into the woods. It appeared to have landed right by an old fort that Brendan and I had built when we were little.
Then we all decided to walk over and retrieve the Frisbee; we were on a mission. We climbed over the string of honeysuckle bushes and dodged the sticks that seemed to appear out of nowhere. The small section of woods seemed as if it were a jungle. Leaves and thorn bushes were everywhere. We could not even make it anywhere without thorns rushing out and ripping up our skin. We did not even make it to the flying when the most horrible, terrifying thing happened. Megan had stepped on a mound of leaves and unleashed thousands of enraged bees. They swarmed all around us, forming what looked like a yellow cloud of smoke. While clenching onto one another, screaming for aid, we knew we were helpless. After several minutes, I ran threw the cloud to retrieve further assistance. I could feel the bees rage as they continued to sting my entire body.
Finally, still screaming as I reached the field, I started to feel weak. My mother heard my cries and came rushing out like a bobcat as I collapsed on the ground. She called 911 and yelled out to hear the other two. When the fire department arrived, they hosed down Brendan and Megan while I was rushed to the hospital. As I came to, the doctors had told my mother and me that I had been stung over one hundred times. I was as swollen and puffy as a marshmallow.
All in all this was the most horrific thing that has ever happened to me. Not only am I now terrified of bees but also I am highly allergic all because of that dreadful accident. I can honestly say I will never forget that sunny afternoon.

[Culturist]

Attack of the Bees

I was 11 at the time and lived with my family – mother, stepfather and two younger sisters. We dwelt in an apartment whose outside looked very shabby and dirty with faded white sid-ing, but inside it was more or less inhabitable. Together with my friends, I often played out in a field behind the apartment. Looking back now, we can still recall playing football and Fris-bee, for example, and how I broke my collarbone. But the day a bee attacked me I will never forget:

It was a beautiful summer day with the sun beating down and a gentle breeze blowing. That day, looking out of my living room´s window, I could hear the field calling, in particular the luminous green grass I saw swaying from one side the other seemed to be begging me to frolic in it. My sister Megan persuaded to go out playing Frisbee in the fields, we both invited my best friend Brendan to join us. After Brendan had come to the field, we three formed a triangle to be throwing the Frisbee around. The game had delighted us much until Megan ac-cidentally overthrew it, so that it landed into the woods. Apparently, it was lying near an old fort Brendan and I had built once.

Then we decided to walk over together to retrieve the Frisbee – now, we would have a sort of mission to complete. Climbing over the string of honeysuckle bushes, we had to dodge the sticks that seemingly appeared out of nowhere. We were beginning to think that we were combing a jungle or something like that. Scattered everywhere, there were leaves and thorn bushes. It was impossible for us to go anywhere without thorns rushing out and ripping up our skin.

We did not even manage to go to the flying when the horrible accident was to happen: Megan stepping on a mound of leaves by mistake unleashed so thousands of enraged bees which soon swarmed all around us in a yellow, cloud-of-smoke-like formation. While clenching on to one another and screaming for aid, we felt helpless until I threw the cloud to retrieve assistance. At the same time, I could feel the rage of the bees, as they kept on stinging my entire body.

Still screaming, I finally reached the field where I started feeling weaker and weaker. My mother hearing me screaming came rushing out immediately, only to see me faint. She called 911 and yelled out for the other two to come back. On the arrival of the fire department, Brendan and Megan were hosed down while they rushed me to hospital. Once I had come to, the doctors informed my mother that I had been stung more than one-hundred times. I resem-bled a marshmallow due to being swollen and puffy.

All in all, this was the most horrible situation I had ever been in. Consequently, not only do I dread bees now, but also have since been allergic. Will you believe me if I tell you that that sunny afternoon I will hardly ever forget?

[Culturist]

Attack of the Bees

I was 11 at the time and lived with my family – mother, stepfather and two younger sisters. We dwelt in an apartment whose outside looked very shabby and dirty with faded white sid-ing, but inside it was more or less inhabitable. Together with my friends, I often played out in a field behind the apartment. Looking back now, we can still recall playing football and Fris-bee, for example, and how I broke my collarbone. But the day a bee attacked me I will never forget:

It was a beautiful summer day with the sun beating down and a gentle breeze blowing. That day, looking out of my living room´s window, I could hear the field calling, in particular the luminous green grass I saw swaying from one side to the other seemed to be begging me to frolic in it. Having persuaded my sister Megan to go out playing Frisbee in the fields, we two invited my best friend Brendan to join us. After Brendan had come to the very field, we three formed a triangle to be throwing the Frisbee around. The game had delighted us much until Megan ac-cidentally threw it too far, so that it landed into the woods. Apparently, it was lying by an old fort Brendan and I had built once.

We then decided to walk over to retrieve the Frisbee together – now, we would have a sort of mission to complete. Climbing over the string of honeysuckle bushes, we had to dodge the sticks that seemingly appeared out of nowhere. We were beginning to think that we were combing a jungle or something like that. Scattered everywhere, there were leaves and thorn bushes. It was impossible for us to go any further without thorns rushing out and ripping up our skin.

We did not even manage to go to the flying when that horrible accident happened: Megan, stepping on a mound of leaves by mistake, unleashed so thousands of enraged bees which soon swarmed all around us in a yellow, cloud-of-smoke-like formation. While clenching on to one another and screaming for aid, we felt helpless until I threw the cloud in order to retrieve assistance. I could simultaneously feel the rage of the bees as they persisted in stinging my entire body.

Still screaming, I finally reached the field where I started feeling weaker and weaker. My mother hearing me screaming came rushing out immediately, only to see me faint. She called 911 and yelled out for the other two to come back. On the arrival of the fire department, Brendan and Megan were hosed down while they rushed me to hospital. Once I had come to, the doctors informed my mother that I had been stung more than one-hundred times. I resem-bled a marshmallow due to being swollen and puffy.

All in all, this was the most horrible situation I had ever been in. Consequently, not only do I dread bees now, but also have since been allergic. Will you believe me if I tell you that that sunny afternoon I will hardly ever forget?