Does love exist between?

[muhsin]

A callow but spoony Bashir is a friend of mine who met a certain witty girl named shamsiyya in their family. They had, for years, being deeply in love. They happily cheer, laugh, hope and dream almost everyday.

Eventually, their love life had now faced a ravage life (as I’m thinking) because, he last week came to me in sheer bewilderment asking me question; “is it how love is?” I asked him what had happened but he vehemently repeated this and repeated for many times.

Thereafter he revealed that he overheard shamsiyya saying that he was the most ugly person in the whole of their family. Surprisingly as he heard that he soon appeared before her, but she shamelessly repeated it and even added a question: “is it not so?”

Thus, to my own assessment, that girl does love him not. Reason: Bashir is not that, even if he is, I don’t think she could have said that. So I advised him to part way with her.
Subsequently, as I said earlier, Bashir is a foolish lover; he is now telling me that he thinks she loves him, so he is going back to her.

I don’t want to do things off head, so decide to seek your advice. If you were I, what could you suggest him to do? Should he go back or not? Does she love him?

[Whifflingpin]

She thinks he is ugly, and yet "they happily cheer, laugh, hope and dream almost everyday." She knows that there are more important things than good looks.

She can tell the truth, even when telling the truth is may do her harm.

She is worth more than all the gold of Ophir.

[AimusSage]

I fail to see how something small like this can be the reason for him to get so distressed. There is either more going on, or your friend is too obsessed about his looks. Tell him to laugh something like that away, make fun of it and don't take life to seriously.

[Nightshade]

If
I were you mhusin Id say it wasnt my place to interfeer --- best way to get out of a nasty situation because then no matter what happen he cant blame you.

[subterranean]

Maybe this is just me, but why do you think the girl doesn't love him, just because she said that he's the ugliest person in the entire family? Isn't that too easy for a conclusion?

[Madhuri]

If long relations like these are on the verge of a break off then I am not sure if they have faced any real tests. It could be that all this while they could continue because everything was so convenient for them, they are in the same family so accessibility and proximity to each other would have been more. But when they are now facing some real tough times (for whatever reasons), they dont know how to deal with it and are finding solace in making such comments, that maybe helps them in thinking that they are not the reason for discord. I believe it is a tough time for them and they should deal with more maturity and not panic.

As for you Muhsin, I dont think you could do anything about the situation, but feel bad. Even if you tried to, it would make things worse, at best you can jus' be there for your friend if things dont turn out well for him.

Tell him to laugh something like that away, make fun of it and don't take life to seriously.

how can that be done???

[Nightshade]

how can that be done???

I wouldnt say easily but it can be done reltivley simpily.
I for instance am the ugliest in my family... I know it ( but mostly because my sisters are starlike gorgeous ) Im not saying it doesnt hurt occasionaly to be rudley reminded by someone ( but that is just jealousy). But Its life and if she loves him or appeared to love him for this long time ( and lets face it you dont just wake up one day and decide someone is uglier than anyone else you just know it), that excuse me its better than being loved for your good looks and he should laugh because as I see it hes got the better deal.

[muhsin]

Thanks for your observations.
But, I think as a good friend to him, I don't have go away from the matter rather think reflectively of something good to do. Thus, those of you who suggested that, I think this is not supposed to be done. How do you see?

Again, I told him probably she's jorking when she made this very expression, but the question she added manifested the fact that she means what she said.

Think another way please. I'm waiting

[SleepyWitch]

i think it's noble you want to help your friend, but don't overdo it ok?
hum.. why don't you tell Bashir to ask the girl what she meant? i dunno about Nigerian girls... but maybe she was just joking or hiding her real feelings... maybe she meant that objectively he's ugly but personally she fancies him?
did she tell him straight in the face? or did she tell another person "Bashir is ugly" and then this other person passed it on to him? maybe she was just trying to conceal her feelings from the other person...?
i think Bashir should ask her about this

[Virgil]

I fail to see how something small like this can be the reason for him to get so distressed.

Well, if you were considered ugly you might be distressed too.

I were you mhusin Id say it wasnt my place to interfeer

This seems like good advice. As ususal Nightshade is level headed. Obviously their relationship is complex and you or even he don't fully understand it. The odds are, mushin, you will advise incorrectly.

[Pendragon]

Muhsin, your feelings for Bashir and his lady-friend are noble, but in the end, the person in the middle of a mess catches it from both ends. I'd just ease out of the situation, for Bashir is a man, is he not?, and let him handle his own problems. Some suggested they are probably deeper than the "ugly" remark. I concur. Problems between the two have been brewing for a while. The lady was not sight-impaired when she first met Bashir, and she loved him then. Something is going on I think, that Bashir is not telling you. Stay out of lover's quarrels. The police in my country could tell you they hate most going to a domestic dispute, because if they arrest the partner that's in the wrong, the other will often turn on them like a viper.

[AimusSage]

how can that be done???

It would take a long time to explain, but the basic ingredient is a sense of humor.

Basically, you have to take all the wind out of what is said by being an even worse critic of yourself, confirming the uglieness, find some good in being ugly and run with it. The sense of humor allows you to do it in a fun way without becoming melodramatic, boring, or be labeled a whiner. I'll admit it takes practice, but I can say that it has become almost impossible to insult, or otherwise get to me. It helps build self-esteem if done correctly.

All of this works to get over the actuall insult but it doesn't solve the underlying implications of any potential intentions of the girl. If she said he was ugly to really hurt him, it would require certain descicions. I cannot make these descicions, because I don't know either the girl or the boy. And even if I did, I wouldn't make the decsicion, because it is up to the boy, Bashir to make, he can either make a constructive or descrective descicion, or remain indecicive and let others decide for him, I recommend the first option, the trick is identifying which is which.

[Madhuri]

It would take a long time to explain, but the basic ingredient is a sense of humor.

Basically, you have to take all the wind out of what is said by being an even worse critic of yourself, confirming the uglieness, find some good in being ugly and run with it. The sense of humor allows you to do it in a fun way without becoming melodramatic, boring, or be labeled a whiner. I'll admit it takes practice, but I can say that it has become almost impossible to insult, or otherwise get to me. It helps build self-esteem if done correctly.

All of this works to get over the actuall insult but it doesn't solve the underlying implications of any potential intentions of the girl. If she said he was ugly to really hurt him, it would require certain descicions. I cannot make these descicions, because I don't know either the girl or the boy. And even if I did, I wouldn't make the decsicion, because it is up to the boy, Bashir to make, he can either make a constructive or descrective descicion, or remain indecicive and let others decide for him, I recommend the first option, the trick is identifying which is which.

Ya, so true. By being humorous one can make situations so much easier to tackle. I'll start practicing this art from today itself.

[kathycf]

By your own words, muhsin, you say that the 2 have been in love for years, always talking and laughing. Suddenly out of the blue the young woman announces that she thinks Bashir is "ugly"? And you take that to mean that she doesn't love him? I find this sort of thing confusing. What were the circumstances in which the comment was made? Was there an argument? Was there joking? In other words what was the context of the conversation? This does make a difference.

Also, saying someone is ugly is a comment about appearance. Are you assuming that ugly people are not lovable? People may be "ugly" in appearance but they may be lovely in spirit, kind at heart and very endearing. Simply saying "so and so" is ugly does not mean that "so and so" is not loved none the less.

[muhsin]

Hi kathycf

I think I've made my story straight by saying they both came out of same kindred. So, they both used to meet at many times than that of separate lovers.

But, as you asked, it was in a private chat with, as he told me, his younger sister when they are arguing over ones beautifulness. One said that she's more beautiful than the other while the other said its lie. At this juncture, she announced that even her elder brother (Bashir) is less handsome and even the most ugly in the whole of the family.