I couldn't find any real fault with the poem, Trisk, except perhaps it needs to say more? Or maybe less? I confess I am not sure. It sounds fine, yet I agree with you that something is missing, but I can't put my finger on it. I really would go with it needs to say more, I think. It is unfinished.
Adolescent: You are beating yourself up needlessly. That poem was nice and even touching. You are not getting worse, that's for certain! I think you may have fallen into the trap of trying too hard.
Now: Would someone please critique the villanelle I posted, please? Thank you. And be honest, I've been told off by razor tongued magazine editors before and have a LOT of rejection slips, far more than the published poems!