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Thread: A work in progress

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jun 2006

    Lightbulb A work in progress

    Okay, here are two different parts out of the story i am writing. It still will have all kinds of nonsense like i usually write, it just makes a tiny bit more sense, with somewhat of a plot to it. critique it, say whatever, I just need feedback... give me ideas... please at least read it though. There may be some problems for people that don't like vulgar language, but there is not that much of it. okay here it is, just remember.... these are just two different parts of it taken out of random places, and i know there are mistakes.

    George, a citizen of Glenvale, was sleeping when he heard the first thud hit his window. He got up and grabbed his baseball bat to beat the crap out of those damn kids that were stupid enough to throw some thing at his window and that were always harassing him. When he opened his door, he looked around and saw smoke and fire raging in the city. And then he saw the monkeys. There were about 16 of them and they were flinging poo all over. What the hell is going on here? He thought. Please let this just be a bad acid trip. Then he realized that he had not been on acid since that time in Ireland with the Jewish hooker, but that is another story to be told another time. Just then a hot, steamy glob of carp flew right into his face. He screamed, and starting scratching at his face, trying to get it out of his eyes. He toppled backwards into his pool, and was tore to pieces and eaten by the crocodile that had been waiting there
    * * *

    Greg was a bum, and he lived in the Glenvale water tower. And what a life it was. He had everything that he could possibly need; he had water, obviously, and for food, well there was as many rats in there as you needed to eat a day. When he needed to take a leak, or a dump, the water tower was a large toilet. Yes, he was living the life, for as far as being a bum goes. Greg was feeling pretty good as he went outside to look at the stars. He was amazed at what he saw when he walked out. His first thoughts were that a terrorist had attacked. There were helicopters swarming everywhere and there was a scent of smoke in the air. When he looked down upon the town, he gaped in terror at what he was seeing. There were buildings on fire, smoke everywhere, cars were being tipped over, broken glass everywhere, and people were out in the streets in their pajamas screaming for help. It truly looked like a full scale riot had broken out. Where the hell are the cops, he thought. Actually screw the cops, where the **** are the SWAT teams? But the truly horrifying part about what George was seeing was what was causing the chaos. Animals, every kind of animal imaginable, were destroying everything they came in contact with. It was truly a sight to be seen.

  2. #2
    A lover lost Loveless's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Honolulu, Hawaii
    It is do I put it... interesting. My favorite would have to be the first one, just because of the crap flinging monkeys. Yeah, and the style of your writing is very...realistic to me, it reads kinda like a movie if that makes sense.
    Even if you embrace me until it's suffocating
    We will never become one.
    O cold that starts before dawn,
    Please light the path that's just for us.

  3. #3
    King of Plastic Spoons imthefoolonthehill's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2003
    Lost in my own incoherence
    feedback: when you are writing, focus less on telling a sequence of events and more on showing the reader a story.

    I am guilty of needing to follow my own advice at times :-)

    Sometimes when I write, I sit down and figure out where I want the story to go... I make a list like this:

    A. Make Bob challenge the villain.

    B. Make the villain charge Bob

    C. Make Bob outmaneuver the villain.

    Then, I start writing.... This is not necessarily what I should be focusing on. I should be focusing on what I want the reader to focus on. If I need to develop the plot, the last way I want to do it is by telling the reader that "the villain charged at Bob!" ...or even "the villain charged vehemently at bob"

    Point: "He got up and grabbed his baseball bat to beat the crap out of those damn kids that were stupid enough to throw some thing at his window and that were always harassing him." Could easily be reduced to: "Tom rolled his eyes at the sound reverberrating off the windows. He grabbed his baseball bat."

    Or something like that... I'm kind of pulling it out of.... thin air.

    "Then he realized that he had not been on acid since that time in Ireland with the Jewish hooker,"

    This is a bad sentence. We all write them, so there is no need to be angry about this.

    You are straight up telling the reader about this guy's history. This makes it both overwritten and less interesting.

    Your story should be film-able.

    Hope that helps. :-) Best way to get better is through practice, reading, and critiquing.
    Last edited by imthefoolonthehill; 06-20-2006 at 11:32 PM. Reason: I was going to change spelling mistakes, then I deesided not two.
    Told by a fool, signifying nothing.

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