Results 1 to 2 of 2

Thread: Need Feedback

  1. #1
    Registered User Dry_Snail's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Location
    INDIA
    Posts
    320

    Need Feedback

    HI All
    i just wanted to share a poem with you. And i need feedback for the same. so please spare some time and reply...

    The Poem:

    Utopia
    These stoical chairs won’t speak I know…
    But I am not sure whether they understand …the pangs
    Other day I saw a virgin condom on the roadside…
    The thin transparent sticky mass was contaminated by enumerable eyes ….ha ha ha …
    Sometimes all those pungent ammoniacal smells mixed with naphthalene vapors from urinals make me transgress the atheist inside me and I start believing for few eternal moments and I stop being sarcastic ..no pun intended…
    But these chairs wont understand or shall I say “won’t believe” ...I hate their atheism …it’s like finding someone of your own kind …or is it a threat to have to get socialized with one of your kind.
    But one day I am going to kill all the chairs …one by one they will face the sufferings from the purgatory…I am sure it will bring the utopia which every avid soul is waiting for …but for that I will need all the shades of crimson red …I wish I could wrench each and every vein of mine and paint the horizon red with that dark crimson shade of life …errrrrrotic isn’t it?



    Thankx a ton in advance!!!!
    “Metamorphosis, I don’t understand”.
    In these realms of Voracious Desires,
    a Gregor Samsa asks another...


    http://orange-reason.blogspot.com

  2. #2
    dreamer genoveva's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    Oregon
    Posts
    592
    Here's some feedback that might help you in your next revision. As the reader, the symbolism of "chair" is not clear to me. Consider a different title. Consider taking out all "I"s. Play around with different format. Try to condense by taking out some "unnecessary" words. I don't get the "pun", and the atheism detail does not seem woven throughout your poem, nor do I understand it's usage in your poem. Alot to consider in re-working your poem.

Similar Threads

  1. A Moon And Star In The Morning Sky, Feedback pls?
    By Segafreak in forum Personal Poetry
    Replies: 15
    Last Post: 04-16-2007, 02:20 PM
  2. What kind of feedback do you want?
    By Isagel in forum Personal Poetry
    Replies: 9
    Last Post: 04-16-2006, 03:17 PM
  3. Site Feedback
    By Admin in forum The Literature Network
    Replies: 66
    Last Post: 06-27-2004, 10:35 AM
  4. Crossroads - need some feedback
    By Segafreak in forum Personal Poetry
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 03-27-2004, 11:47 AM
  5. NEED SOME REAL FEEDBACK HERE PPL
    By Phoenix_Tears in forum Personal Poetry
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 06-25-2003, 08:39 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •