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Thread: Secret Flowers (Part 2)

  1. #1

    Secret Flowers (Part 2)

    "You don't want to hear about that," David muttered.

    "Sure I do. Where were you stationed?"

    "Afganistan."

    "Oh, I see. That doesn't sound like much fun."

    "I got my *** shot off. Pardon my language, but that's the best way to describe it."

    "You were wounded?"

    "In the ***. It was very embarrassing."

    "Why did you join the Army?"

    "I couldn't find a decent job and I wanted to see the world. I didn't think I'd end up in stinking hell hole like Afganistan."

    Bobby tugged at his mother's blouse sleeve. "I have to go to the bathroom."

    "Are you finished eating?"

    "I have to pee."

    "Remember to wash your hands afterward."

    Rita pointed him in the direction of the bathroom door and watched him go inside.

    "At least you made it home in one piece," she said to David.

    "More or less."

    "What does that mean?"

    "I went a little crazy in Afganistan. I left the hospital as soon as I could walk and hitch-hiked to the Himalayan mountains."

    "You were a deserter?"

    "The Army doesn't call it desertion for thirty days. I was absent without leave."

    "Why did you want to see the Himalayas?"

    "I thought God lived there."

    "I'm afraid you lost me."

    "It's a long story," David said, finishing his beer. He called the waitress over and ordered another one. "When I was a kid, I read a book about a guy who finds God in the Himalayas. I guess God wasn't home when I showed up, but I did learn something from an old guru I met."

    "What?"

    "It's difficult to put into words that make sense."

    "Give it a shot and I'll fill in the blank spots."

    David stared at her. "Reality is a magic act and we're all the unwitting magicians."

    "That's it?"

    "I didn't think you would understand."

    "I understand. It's just that it sounds like hippy graffiti -- reality is a crutch and all that."

    He grinned. "Reality is a crutch."

    "I know, reality is for people who can't handle dope. I've heard all this before, grasshopper."

    "You're a very funny girl."

    "And you're too serious for your age."

    "Are you sure you never met my mother?"

    "Aren't you going to eat anything?"

    "I'm not hungry, mom."

    "What happened after the Himalayas?"

    "The Army gave me a general discharge for medical reasons. It's not as bad as a dishonorable discharge and I wanted out. I had to go see this shrink at the VA hospital in Los Angeles once a week."

    "For how long?"

    "Almost a year."

    "Did he help you?"

    David shook his head. "No."

    "You seem all right now."

    "Do I?"

    Rita glanced at the bathroom door. "Excuse me for a second."

    She went to the door and knocked on it. "Bobby, come out here, please."

    She tapped her foot while she waited. Hearing no response, she returned to the table. "Would you mind getting him?"

    David entered the bathroom and found the boy running water in the sink. "Your mother is worried about you, buddy."

    "My name is Bobby."

    "That's right, I forgot. Listen, Bobby, can you tell me something?" The sink was nearly full of water and David turned off the tap. "Is your mother happy?"

    The boy looked annoyed. "Why don't you ask her?"

    "She might not tell me the truth."

    "She's not a liar."

    "I know she's not, but sometimes people aren't sure whether they're really happy or not. I thought a smart boy like you would know the truth."

    "I saw her crying once."

    "Why was she crying?"

    "I don't know."

    "I wish you did."

    The boy held up his hands. "Are my hands clean?"

    "Spotless. Would you do me a favor?"

    The boy nodded.

    "Next time you see your mother crying, tell her tears are like rain for the soul."

    "What does that mean?"

    "They make beautiful flowers grow inside you."

    "Really?"

    "I've watched it happen myself. It's a secret most people don't know."

    David led him out of the bathroom to the table.

    "What were you doing in there so long?" Rita snapped.

    "Nothing."

    "He was checking out the plumbing," David said.

    "He's a little devil sometimes."

    "No I'm not."

    "Yes you are." She handed him a napkin. "Please wipe your face. You have ketchup on your cheek."

    "He must look like your husband," David remarked. "I mean the blond hair."

    "Joel has brown hair actually. I don't know where Bobby gets the blond from."

    "How did you meet Joel?"

    "I took one of his classes in college. I know that makes him sound like a lecher or something, but he was only five years older than me. We started dating in secret because Marquette has a very strict policy against teachers fooling around with students. Joel could have lost his job."

    "How did you get around it?"

    "Eventually, I dropped out of college and we got married. It raised a few eyebrows in the administration, but there was nothing they could do about it."

    "And now you're a housewife."

    "Don't say it like that. I have other interests."

    "There's nothing wrong with being a mother and a housewife."

    "I'm learning telemarketing so I can work from home."

    "Please don't call while I'm eating supper. It's so irritating."

    Rita's face suddenly broke into a broad smile. "I don't know why I like you, but I do."

    David returned the smile. "I'm your secret half-brother, that's why."

    "You're an ornery bachelor and I shouldn't give you five minutes of my time."

    "But you can't resist my hidden charms, right?"

    "I must be crazy."

    The waitress brought the check and left without asking if they wanted anything else.

    "I think they're trying to get rid of us," David said.

    "This place is a zoo at lunch time," Rita said, gathering her purse and a package from the unoccupied chair next to her.

    David went to the counter and paid the bill. When he turned, Rita was writing on a piece of paper. She finished and handed it to him.

    "This is our street address and phone number. Dinner is at six, but please come early. If you get lost on the way, call me and I'll give you directions."

    "I'm very glad I finally met you," David said.

    Rita's eyes narrowed. "I swear if you don't show up --"

    "I know, you'll hunt me down like a dog."

    "You better believe it."

    Outside the restaurant they paused awkwardly on the sidewalk, Bobby hanging on his mother's arm.

    "My car's over there," Rita said.

    "Mine's the other way." David took the boy's loose hand and shook it once. "Nice to meet you, Bobby."

    Rita leaned forward and kissed David on the cheek. "See you in a few hours."

    He watched her walk away holding Bobby by the hand. She opened the passenger door of a dark blue SUV and waited while her son climbed in. Then she went to the other side of the vehicle and stopped to wave at David before she got behind the wheel.

    At the first stop light they came to, Bobby asked: "Who was that man, mommy?"

    "I told you, he's your half-uncle."

    "He looks like a whole man."

    Rita stared at her son. "He is a whole man, Bobby."

    "He asked me if you were happy."

    "When?"

    "In the bathroom." The boy fiddled with his safety belt. "Is he coming to our house?"

    "I don't think so."

    "Do you think tears make flowers grow inside you?"

    "Where in the world did you get that idea?"

    "It's a secret."

    After they arrived home, Rita put Bobby in bed for his nap and went outside to sit in a patio chair beside a small glass table. After gazing at the cloudless blue sky, she absent-mindedly picked up a book of poems by Emily Dickinson and turned to a page at random. She read:

    "A great hope fell
    You heard no noise
    The ruin was within
    Oh cunning wreck that told no tale
    And let no witness in"

    Before she could read any further, she began sobbing. She was still crying when her husband came home two hours later.

  2. #2
    Freak Ingenu Countess's Avatar
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    Your Book

    You have a great writing style, Starwriter, but suffer from the same problem I do: your work reads like a play. I was told to add in details in order to anchor my story in a location / as a book. You might want to do the same. I was also told don't go more than three lines without attaching a character's name to a quote.

    Great start though and its interesting.

    Tanya
    Madness is my defense against Reality.

  3. #3
    Quote Originally Posted by Countess
    You have a great writing style, Starwriter, but suffer from the same problem I do: your work reads like a play...
    You're right, most of my short stories read like one-act plays because they have minimal narrative and rely on dialogue to advance the story. But I never considered it a "problem." I've tried the long narrative/minimal dialogue style and it doesn't suit me. Dialogue has always been my strength and I go with the thing I do best. To each his own, right?

    FYI, I have written 2 stage plays and 3 screenplays and I found the simple format very much to my liking.

  4. #4
    Freak Ingenu Countess's Avatar
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    But I never considered it a "problem." I've tried the long narrative/minimal dialogue style and it doesn't suit me. Dialogue has always been my strength and I go with the thing I do best. To each his own, right?

    ***

    I think you misunderstand me. IT would just help the read if you added "she said", "he said" every other line or so. The reason for the three-line rule is it becomes hard to tell which character is saying what without indicating it as such. I got lost a few times
    trying to identify the character.

    Otherwise, I prefer dialogue too, so I've no compliants.

    T
    Madness is my defense against Reality.

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